I’m scared I like the thoughts. I can’t tell if I get enjoyment or not... I’m concerned I do, and that I just won’t admit it

True but it's hard to ignore when it's so real. Every thing has become thought provoking even guys. I can't look at relationships without getting upset ?. I just want to go back to being a straight and happy girl :(

@sanzida? You still are that straight and happy girl, you’re just unwell atm and it’s so hard - I’ve had days where I’ve felt so alone and trapped in thoughts that I just want to give up but I can’t let OCD win. I think I struggled most with accepting I have OCD. A part of you often goes back to saying “you’re in denial” but like that is OCD. We hear that term so much during the coming out phase of people lives that are actually homosexual which is often untrue, it’s not necessarily an internal debate they face - it’s worrying about the external factors which sets us apart from their situation. We don’t care so much what people think, we care about not wanting to be gay because we aren’t gay but we think we might be and that is OCD. But trust me, I know how consuming the thoughts can be

@bethany Same, I can't believe I have OCD though it been a part of me for years. I don't care about the external factors. I'm more worried about just not wanting to be gay, like after this I have no imagination or creativity or emotions left in me. I sometimes remember the days before hocd and wonder about how I used to like guys, fantasize of them etc. But now all that's gone and I feel like I've turned gay for real. I'll start therapy soon, hopefully I'll go back to being a happy and straight girl like I used to be

@bethany After hocd I can't even speak of guys comfortably without worrying I'm forcing or just denying. Now everything has started to trigger me, doesn't matter if it's straight or gay. Everything triggers me. I feel gay all the time. Any tips for overcoming this?

@sanzida? You say "everything has become thought provoking". Maybe you can spend a few minutes identifying the behaviors that led to more and more things being triggers

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Okay then

I wish I had a bf to do that with. I haven't masturbated in a week and I really feel like doing it. :(. I check my sexual history everyday to comfort myself that yes i was straight before hocd and during puberty. Nothing will change that but hocd makes me doubt lol it's hard :(

@sanzida? Checking is likely a behavior that made more things triggering

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Now that I think if it could be but checking my sexual history at least comforts me and pushes me to do some basic pre ERP exercises. But I did do it a bit too extensively. I'll try to avoid that. Thanks

@sanzida? What is a pre-erp exercise?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie That's basically like a name I chose for exercises. They aren't official terms. Im just trying to recognize my obsessions and compulsions for now before starting some actual hard ERP

@sanzida? Gotcha ?