- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Also just want to add that women are so sexualised and so are men! Sex is subconscious forced into our faces now so it’s no wonder we find it so distressing. A tip I use when I feel shit about worry about this situation is track back my history. Like there are quite a lot of men I’ve fancied vs one girl who o fancied in high school! But tbh, I never wanted anything with her, just had a strange sexual attraction to her but that doesn’t make me gay - when you’re young hormones are flying and you’re finding yourself - also sexual attraction to same sex individuals doesn’t make you gay. Look at your sexual history and what you see in your future! Lots of people watch and enjoy same sex porn and identify as straight. It’s absolutely ok despite our OCD telling us and forcing us to believe things that aren’t true. (just want to keep it real so you know, while writing this my OCD has said to me about 15 times, you’re just in denial, you’re definitely going to be gay when you’re older, maybe you want to peruse women. This shit is TOUGH)
Yes!! There are different types of attraction and if you are attraction to the same-sex, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. You're acknowledging beauty!!
Yes yes yes!! It means nothing and is not a reflection on sexuality
I'm actually a bit glad. My sexual history has never contained even one girl. I've always liked guys. Lol I can remember the day I got my period and my hormones were like "boys!!!" And I became boy crazy ever since then. Hocd has been a real bitch and it doesn't believe what my sexual history has been :(. Im also ashamed that I like Les porn but this post comforts me a little :)
I’m glad for you but obviously even if it did that wouldn’t effect your sexuality! Remember that history and keep using that to argue the thoughts opposed to engaging with compulsions! Also try to remember when it started, I find that helpful! Mine started when I was in my first relationship at around 14 and he was nice and I lost my virginity to him and he was very attractive but something wasn’t right (tbf he had been cheating on me so that’s probably what ?) and my OCD started as relationship based and then moved over into HOCD as I couldn’t believe I didn’t really like him as all the other girls did, obviously I didn’t like him because he was a shit haha. But I find knowing when it started helpful so I can visualise my journey and track back and rationalise my thoughts without engaging in a debate with them. Also lesbian porn is great and I’m sure a good 50% of women watch it and it doesn’t make you gay, women are sexualised so it’s no wonder we have a sex attraction to it but that doesn’t dictate sexuality, sexuality is multifaceted xx
Yeah true I agree. I remember mine started last year when I had severe influenza. I was watching a lesbian movie and that's when it all stared. I remember a day before this though...I was thirsting over a guy really really hard. And my sexual history has always only been with guys including fantasies, dreams, crushes etc. Thank you for saying all that, makes me feel less alone
@sanzida? Exactly, you were already exhausted and feeling down and then a thought probably came up and made you question you’re sexuality, on a normal day you’d probably of disregarded it but that day you couldn’t and now it keeps coming up because you don’t want it to! That is an intrusive though, but a normal one, but unfortunately OCD holds on to that and makes you worry. Watching a lesbian movie doesn’t make you gay in the slightest, we aren’t defined by these things. It’s the choices we make x
@bethany Yes but im still a bit worried. Initially during hocd I was sure it was hocd and nothing else but now as time has passed on I feel like I'm turning gay since now I have no emotional senses and I'm num to my thoughts but I'm still worried about them. My new obsessions are convincing me I'm not straight at all and that I have forced myself all along and that I hate men and sex with them. Feels real but I'm trying to ignore. I also have a fear that I'm in compulsory heterosexuality though reviewing my sexual history I showed no signs. But now after hocd Ive lost my imagination for guys and those are one of the signs of compulsory heterosexuality :(
Masturbation is really positive and can relieve anxiety! Just makes sure you’re not using it to prove your sexuality x
I did it and yeah unintentionally it proves my sexuality :(. I don't know how to control this. Before hocd I was positive that I like only men but after hocd everything is so blurry ugh I should really I mean really stop and make it a habit :(
But also maybe avoid porn altogether during your toughest times, it’ll either make you feel worse or sometimes be a compulsion (in my experience) so just be careful with porn I’d say xx
Also I try to avoid porn, but i sometimes really feel like masturbating :(. It's been a week and I really feel like doing it but I'm trying to control :(
this is going to be very very TMI. but i feel like i need to let it out bc it is one of the biggest triggers of my Homosexual OCD. i’ve liked boys my whole life , even though i was very shy with it i always did. whether it be on tv, movies, my older brother’s friends, my guy friends, guys in school, etc. u get the point. always loved guys always will even though OCD likes to tell me otherwise. however, when i was little say age 7, one of my older friends by a year she was 8, introduced me to porn. yeah i know i was really really young. i had a clue on what “sex” was (not really but i knew it was something adults did and had something to do with kissing). so when she showed me we would masturbate to it together and that was that. i would do this every so often alone on my computer from age 7. insanely young to even know about that i know. and then when me and her would practice kissing together. and we would dry hump each other. but the thing is we would take turns pretending to be “the boy”. like i would “be the boy” so she could practice and then she would “be the boy” so then i could. i know it’s normal for young girls even guys to engage in same sex experimentation because of curiousity. but i feel like my HOCD always picks at this telling me i’m gay. she and i are still such close friends and i never thought about our younger years until i got HOCD. i don’t have any attraction towards her and never did when i was younger. i always would pretend she was a boy. sometimes she’d even ask me and i would just get so uncomfortable kissing her it was all weird to me and not right. at a young age i knew that. i still have never been sexually attracted to a woman or had a desire to be with one . idk why i’m writing this. to let it out i guess. if u made it this far thanks
Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.
A little clarification on my (and many others’) experience with HOCD. Yes, “I don’t care what my sexuality is, I just wanna know for sure” makes the case for HOCD stronger and more ‘qualified’ sounding- however that is not the only HOCD can manifest. Saying that, can trigger some HOCD sufferers who are simply weary of identifying as lgbtq (an understandable fear). Do NOT get me wrong however. I would do ANYTHING for my friends who are bi and gay. I love them SO dearly and will fight for them for forever. Lgbtq folk who struggle with their identities, and not being loved by the people who are supposed to love them no matter what- INSPIRE me with their resilience. Their strength. Their confidence to live out who they are to the fullest extent. I watched the movie Love, Simon and cried like a baby, and am incredibly excited that Pete Buttigieg is the USA’s first openly gay presidential candidate. However this does not discount the struggles that many lgbtq people face. So many are not accepted by their families, have extremely difficult life transitions, and agonize over coming out. These are not things that people willingly want to go through. Is is completely unreasonable for someone suffering with HOCD to also fear these things? As an example (I’m black)- there is a difference in saying that you wouldn’t want to be black because you believe we are less than, versus saying that you wouldn’t want to struggle with the same things that we do. Just because you understand the trials and tribulations that black people go through in this country and would not want that for yourself, does NOT mean you are racist. It simply means you understand that there is pain. And no human willingly wants pain. Although these are exact things lgbtq people have to deal with (making HOCD distinctly different from most other pure o themes because it becomes impossible to differentiate us from people actually struggling with their identity) it shouldn’t be ignored that HOCD sufferers fear them too! Why wouldn’t we? This is such a deep rooted issue for sufferers because, where you could say someone who is suffering with POCD would never hurt a child simply because their thoughts horrify them (and a real pedophile wouldn’t be scared of their thoughts) you can’t say the same for HOCD. For some of us HOCD people who have these specific fears, it’s even more difficult to trust that what we have is ocd and it’s even more difficult to explain to someone else that what we have is ocd. I’ve had different themes of OCD throughout my life and the obsessive and compulsive behaviors have been the same, but this one makes me feel like I don’t even get to qualify. What a mind-fuck for us, huh? Also understand, this definitely isn’t my only fear. I have been attracted to, day-dreamed about, and desperately wanted to be with one gender my entire life. Having a husband was something I’ve wanted for so very long. It IS a part of who I am and what I want. It’s distressing to think this could all be lost one day. To have these ‘dreams’ stolen by obsessive thoughts, and be made to believe that it was all a lie- is just as hard to deal with as any other form of ocd. When I envision the life that ocd is telling me I “actually” want- I’m filled with sadness. How do any of the rest of you deal with your ocd telling you that you want (or want to do) something- that you actually don’t? I know this can be controversial, and truly truly hope I do not offend anyone- lgbtq friends, I truly do love you. I just want everyone to know that what we can struggle with within each theme, can be very different- but none are any less important or qualified than the others. If you truly disagree and want to share, please be kind. I am just as fragile as a lot of us on here. I’m suffering too.
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