For the record, I am someone who’s struggled with OCD since I was 12 years old, I’m 20 years old now. I have recently entered a relationship with someone following my University term ending. I’m going to describe a few events that happened in the beginning of our ‘relationship’. So me and this girl have been friends for some time, since last November. Anyway, around that time I ended up sleeping with her and fell for her pretty quickly but long story short; she didn’t feel the same, which upset me but I got over it pretty quickly. Around February this year, we started sleeping again, and after a few times we agreed this probably wasn’t a good idea so we stopped. I went home for a week from university, but when I came back we started sleeping again. After a few more times, we decided that we were going to keep on sleeping together but where going to be ‘friends with benefits’ which no commitments and so on. The reality of things, was that I probably would have wanted something more at this time and probably would have gone ‘exclusive’ but I didn’t want to scare her away as she has had many bad experiences in the past which ave given her some trauma of her own and trust issues. Anyway, a week or so of being friends with benefits, things seemed to be going well, we were spending a lot of time together as she was living in the same campus building as me but my feelings were growing for her. One night, after I’d had a few drinks with friends she came to my room as she usually did in the evenings and said to me that her ex-boyfriend was coming down to see her. I immediately went on the defensive and said we should stop sleeping with each other even though she said she wasn’t going to sleep with him as he was just stopping by because he was in the area. She reminded me that we were friends with benefits and were never anything else hinting that my reaction was out of order or wrong. Anyway, long story short, it was obvious we weren’t on the same page so we both called it off as I didn’t want to get hurt and realised that a friends with benefits relationship wasn’t something that was good for me. Her ex came down the next day and as I suspected, they had slept together. We stopped sleeping with each other for about a week, and then me and her started sleeping together again, my feelings were too strong for me to resist her and a few weeks later she eventually confessed that she was starting to get feelings for me. Now a few months later, we are in a relationship. Now for the ROCD; around the time when she slept with her ex it didn’t really bother me that much as I didn’t have strong enough feelings to fight for her and I didn’t want to get in her way, she didn’t like me at the time so I wasn’t going to stop her from doing what she wanted. However, about a month or so after she slept with him, I started to get intrusive thoughts about it, and started to feel this sense of betrayal on her part. I recognise that we weren’t together but for some reason I can’t rationalise and leave it at that. I feel like she’s done me wrong even though we were only friends with benefits and had no commitments Can anyone relate to this feeling? It feels like it’s a combination of my own insecurities/low self esteem combined with my ocd and as usual with many ocd cases I’m unsure if it’s me who feels like this or whether it’s my ocd making me feel this way. It’s impacting our relationship with me feeling compulsions to ask her stupidly detailed questions about the time of the event and it’s just making things worse, it feels like I’m hopelessly seeking reassurance in order to find clarity or an ‘answer’, I realise reassurance isn’t the answer but I just don’t know what’s my thoughts or not anymore. My days go from feeling like I should leave her to me feeling like she’s all I want. Anyone have any similar experiences ever advice? Sorry for the long story

Relationship OCD

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

The "as I suspected, they had slept together" doesn't sit right with me. It's like you're implying she was lying about her intentions, rather than considering that her intentions changed after you broke it off. You're right that she made no commitment to you that she could've broken and that you need to take responsibility for your hurt feelings. They happen sometimes in life. It doesn't need to be anybody's fault or due to anybody's selfish intent or failure, and the fact it upsets you still isn't an indication that there's actually anything wrong that needs fixing. It's an indication that you feel upset, and that's ok. Let yourself feel upset about it sometimes without trying to fix it or draw conclusions from it. Accept that she isn't perfect, she's human and can and will fall short of your ideals, otherwise any imperfection during the relationship has the potential to become intolerable for you. So my advice is to work on the black and white thinking about her: it doesn't need to be "she betrayed me, I should leave her" vs "she did nothing wrong, she's amazing and I need her". Consider points between those extremes. Also often if we are quite nitpicky about other people's mistakes it can be because we are perfectionistic and need to work on our own self-compassion and tolerance of ourselves before we can extend those to others. You don't need to know the exact answer of every thought and consideration she had during that whole time, and you can't know. There are ways to make it bother you less, like working on the black and white thinking, processing your feelings about it in your body and avoiding compulsions, and focusing on the here and now of your relationship and developing trust within it which you can rely on and which is real.

roryjames1999

Date posted: 5y

This response was really helpful and it’s nice to hear an objective opinion on the subject. I’m more frustrated at myself at this very moment because of how avoidable all of this could have been had I just listened to her. I guess at the time, obviously her telling me her ex came me down was the catalyst to why we stopped but she also confessed she didn’t have feelings for me and it was only friendship. So whilst it was wrong for me to assume the worst of her without believing her, I guess I also saw no point in continuing sleeping with each other if I had feelings and she didn’t if that makes sense. I’ve only recently realised that I have ROCD as I haven’t been in a serious relationship in my adulthood so it’s all very new to me; but I’ve read up on it and it seems this sense of ‘perfectionism’ you mentioned seems to be a big factor for many people who have ROCD. Your advice was very helpful and constructive and I thank you for taking your time to hear me out and reach out your hand to help. I’ve only recently found this app but gives me a sense of security knowing that I’m not all alone in this constant battle with ocd and it’s good that people on this app are able to help each other and relate to each other, thanks once again.

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