My ocd keeps going from one thing to another today. Now I’m scared I’m a narcissist because I have bpd and I’m attention deprived and love attention and I’ve done manipulative things in the past but I’m unlearning my manipulative behaviors and trying to be better and I’m so scared I’m a narcissist or a sociopath. I feel so terrible but my brain is like what if you’re just doing all this because you don’t feel terrible. I don’t know man I’m scared constantly that I’m faking. That I really am a sociopath or narc deep down. I don’t want to be one. I’ve made mistakes in the past I’m not proud of but I’d never want to hurt anyone. I hate having bpd and ocd combo. I only ever started getting this fear once I got diagnosed with bpd.

When I first found out I had bpd last year was when I fell out with my ex best friend of 10 years. I had so much guilt inside me for the things I had done. I was suicidal if I made a mistake because I’ve gotten screamed at in my past for DUMB little things so I definitely see reasons for my behavior. The things I did I think was my way I only knew how to get attention. I didn’t want to be a abandoned either. I really do need to work on self forgiveness and that’s the first thing I was told last year when I first went to the hospital after feeling so much guilt for the last 2~ years of manipulation I had done. I’m just always scared because I see myself doing things and I’ll get intrusive thoughts like “if you do something for this person maybe they’ll give you something in return” and that genuinely terrifies me and fills me with dread every time. BPD and OCD together is such a hard combo bc I really don’t know which things are bpd and which are ocd sometimes. I’m constantly feeling guilt but I think ocd even makes me doubt my guilt. It’s hard learning to forgive myself.

@Mars I'm... Honestly not sure that I would label that thought as encouraging you to do something manipulative. It's a little bit Slytherin yeah, but there's nothing actually wrong with being a bit Slytherin, so long as you still treat people well and do good things just for the sake of it. You def still need to work on self tolerance for that. I wonder if reading some Jung might help you, he talks about integrating our shadow, which is comprised of everything within us which is in opposition to how we want to see ourselves. We all have the potential to do bad things, it's much better to be aware of it and in control of it than to be unconscious of it. Before you were unconscious of it and now you're taking control already. I assure you that you're not the only one with a shadow. Try to do as much connecting with others as possible and experiencing their feelings of shame and inadequacy. You are so so not the terrible outlier that you feel like.

@Scoggy Yeah... it’s hard to tell like the other day I saw a friends character and I wanted to draw it bc I have art block lately and thought the character was cute but my brain was like maybe she’ll give you something in return on your game and she did but I feel bad bc I didn’t draw this character for that reason you know? So it’s frustrating. I don’t wanna do things just to get things in return and now my brain gives me that thought every time I do something for someone and I hate it. I have genuinely done those things in the past sometimes but nowadays I’m scared of doing that to the core of my being. Idk it’s so confusing... I just don’t wanna be a bad person. But one time my friend said “no you just don’t wanna be called out” and it makes me feel shitty and makes me doubt myself even more. What if it’s true? What if I just don’t wanna be SEEN as a bad person. And I mean I don’t and I have a strong fear of that. But also I don’t want to hurt anyone. But ocd makes me constantly doubt.

@Mars Idk, maybe what I just said about Slytherin can help a little, even though it sounds silly. Maybe if you can see some of your darker impulses as being your Slytherin bit instead of as a horrendous flaw or invader, you can find it easier to notice, label and dismiss or consider without super high anxiety and compulsions. There's nothing wrong with some Slytherin, it's good to have the balance of all 4 of the houses. Hard work, intellectual curiosity, courage and ambition.

@Scoggy Yeah... I really appreciate it. I bought a DBT book today that was specifically written about bpd so I’m gonna try reading that. I luckily have therapy tomorrow but she’s only a talk therapist. I want to be able to forgive myself and not do wrong. I want to be normal and have healthy relationships. But all my baggage brings that down pretty Bad.

@Mars There's genuinely nothing at all wrong with doing something for someone else in hopes of a reward. We all do that frequently in all sorts of contexts, it's extremely normal. I think it might be your resistance to it which is creating more of the problem. You get the thought, but you also wanted to do it out of kindness and generosity, but why can't it be both? Why can't it be generosity, where you're fine with getting nothing back, with also a bit of hope you will get something back? That really would be extraordinarily normal. You seem to be labelling past things as manipulative which I honestly don't think deserve that label, and this may be really much more down to shame and seeing yourself that way than it really being true. You can also *both* not want to be a bad person and not want to be seen as one, those two can exist together, just like generosity and the hope for a reward can exist together. Grey areas, my gal!!

@Scoggy Yes... grey areas I definitely have to learn. My thinking is in extreme black and whites. As my ex best friend said “I think you are a genuine victim so it’s hard to tell where the victim hood ends and the manipulation began” before we fell apart. It’s insanely hard to tell and I guess maybe I’m not working hard enough? Idk it’ll be a year in august since I started getting help and I feel scared I’m not even working hard enough. I guess that will just be something I have to learn more about. I guess it does take a longtime to fix unhealthy mindsets when you lived with those mindsets all your life. It just is scary. I really am a perfectionist.

@Mars Would also be super normal to feel bummed it you didnt get something back when you're generous btw. My dad says I'm the most generous person he knows and my mother always labels generosity as being manipulative (and used to accuse me unfairly all the time and make me feel awful), which I'm pretty sure is her projecting the way she sees herself onto others.

@Mars My mother actually goes out of her way to always be generous and I think it's largely her trying to prove that own voice in her head wrong.

@Scoggy Oh... I feel that... my fear of being manipulative stemmed from being told as a CHILD that I was manipulative. So it rly made me feel horrible.

@Mars I have the exact same background <3