Today has been so hard. My mind feels like it’s going at 100 miles an hour. HOCD is slowly ruining my life. Some days I feel like I’m attracted to no one. Some days I feel like I’m attracted to everyone and some days I feel like I’m attracted to just girls and some days I feel ok and that I appreciate the beauty of a women whilst being able to enjoy romanticising about men. My OCD moves at 100 miles an hour and I’m trying SO hard to accept these feelings and remember they are just thoughts. The hardest part is trying to remember it’s a conditioner, I constantly worry I’m in denial and I’m either bi or gay. IM SO DONE. I start therapy on Monday but I’m worried my therapist won’t understand and will conclude that I’m in denial. I’m terrified. I just want to enjoy being heterosexual and accept that yeah maybe I’m sexually attracted to girls and that’s ok but doesn’t dictate my sexuality - but today I can’t and today I feel numb. Just need somewhere to vent today

Sexual Orientation OCD

san🌻

Date posted: 5y

I can relate sadly...my therapist yesterday told me that I could be OCD or I could be overthinking. She didn't diagnose me properly. She also told me about sexual fluidity which is scaring me :(. I don't wanf to be gay but I feel like I'm forcing myself to be straight. I have thoughts that in scared of society but I don't even give a fuck about the external factors, I'm more worried about the internal one which is myself. But my thoughts say I'm in denial because if society :(. I cant with this :(

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@pure093 Sexual fluidity does not necessarily mean gay or bi either, simply sexual attraction to a variety of people - doesn’t mean you have to act on those thoughts. They are just thoughts. But the battle of denial is SO hard, it’s consuming and it’s so difficult to reassure yourself but we have to keep trying

san🌻

Date posted: 5y

@pure093 Sexual fluidity is real probably. But I personally don't believe it. It's probably true in people who are pan/bi but i don't think people that are completely heterosexual and homosexual can change

san🌻

Date posted: 5y

@bethany Wait are you telling me I'm in denial and that I'm struggling or are you telling me that these intrusive thoughts of being in denial is a struggle? Im kind of worried by the way you worded that

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@sanzida? No no just that feeling in denial in general is so difficult when you have HOCD because it’s a constant battle and you don’t know what’s true and what’s not

san🌻

Date posted: 5y

@bethany Oh yeah it definitely is :(

san🌻

Date posted: 5y

@bethany I feel really bad, I did one those things that lesbians do and I felt a little pleasure but then I felt weird. Fuck I feel like I'm gay, after that I can't imagine a boy anymorem god my body is sweating, my heart is beating so much and I'm have that disgusted face. God what if I'm gay and I'm just unaware and I'm denying it? I'm so scared ?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I felt the same way and I just met my therapist. I was so worried she’ll say I was in denial or didn’t meet the qualifications for OCD but she didn’t. She never asked any hard hitting questions about my past sexual history or romantic partners. She didn’t ask me whether I had crushes or not in the past. None of it was brought up. She directly went to the OCD and to treat it. So don’t worry they’re not going to ask you those questions, it’s about giving you the tools to tackle your OCD thoughts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much. It’s so tough, I’m never worried about the judgement - just more worried about how my OCD will react to it. I just want this to over but hopefully it will be soon!

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