all of my old memories are popping back up. this is starting to fuel a new theme: incest ocd. a couple years ago my parents were sleeping in the same bed as me and my brother because that was our living arrangement since we were staying at someone else’s house. my parents started doing sexual things while they were in the bed and i felt my self get aroused by them and i started touching my self. the amount of shame disgust and regret i feel isn’t even describable. this is shaking me to my core. i feel so ashamed of my self. although this was a couple years ago, i have changed. i cannot describe the amount of disgust i have for this. i am not into incest. i don’t know what i was thinking.

I assume you were a kid/teenager when this happened?

thank u :(( i don’t even know how i would do erp about this. it’s weird because i don’t feel anxious about this, it’s more like a really weird uncomfortable feeling. maybe because i know that i’m not into incest? cause i know technically this isn’t incest because it’s not like i imagined it was me (even typing that out made me feel gross). i guess my body just responded to a sexual event

@ocdsvcks but this is such a weird uncomfortable feeling i don’t know if i can live with this

@ocdsvcks You definitely can live with this!! You’re SUPER uncomfortable and uncertain but you can live with this. I know because I’ve had similar intrusive thoughts about the time that I was sexually assaulted, and I was trying to figure out whether or not it was my fault in like an OCD way. And I survived that and lived through that! And I’m guessing your OCD has been bad before this, you lived through that time. So you can do this!! As far as ERP, if I were in your situation right now, I’d get a piece of paper and write the thought that you’re most afraid to think about this situation. Then keep writing it over and over and let yourself get really anxious without doing any compulsions. Are you working with a therapist on this? Sorry you’re going through this!!!!

@Yayfortherapy im so sorry u had to go through that. im gonna try to do what u suggested!! thank u. and no i currently don’t have a therapist. im really ashamed about all these things plus my newest post.

@ocdsvcks I’m so sorry that you feel so much shame that it’s keeping you from therapy!! Here’s the thing: the things you’re ruminating about are things that are so common for people with OCD. I read your post about your cousins and I can tell that your OCD is just really torturing you ☹️ I can’t encourage you enough to go to a therapist. The stuff you’ll say will NOT surprise them. I honestly have come to believe that going to an OCD therapist who does ERP is the only way to get better from OCD. And it helps so much. I think going to a therapist would completely change your life. If you have any questions about how to find a good therapist or anything, I’m super happy to answer them.

@Yayfortherapy thank u so much :(( ur responses always help me feel validated and less of a weirdo. like i feel so ashamed talking about these things. im literally living a nightmare reality where all my mistakes and things that i regret/feel shameful about are haunting me. i cant thank u enough for being so supportive. im trying my hardest to find a therapist!! i have medicaid and a lot of them either don’t accept insurance at all or they don’t accept medicaid. the best option i have right now is therapy through nocd but i wanna explore ALL my options yk? anyways thank u so much for always validating me. ur so so kind

@ocdsvcks I’m so glad that you are feeling validated because you totally should feel that way!! Your OCD is just totally attacking all your memories to convince you of something about yourself. A lot of people with OCD have gone through very similar things as you. You’re not alone and you’re not a weirdo! Yeah, NOCD could be a good idea! You can also go to the IOCDF’s website to look up providers who treat OCD. That’s how I found my therapist. I have also heard that for people who really can’t afford a therapist, buying an ERP workbook can be an alternative, in case that’s the situation you’re in.

@Yayfortherapy I’m excited for you. I think you’re on your way to recovery ? but I know you’re struggling so much at the moment. I’ve been there and I know it’s so dark and scary but please know that the light still exists and you will get back to it!

@Yayfortherapy it is :(( it sucks cause i was able to move past all this before i had ocd and tbh, they didn’t really bother me in the sense that i wasn’t obsessing over them. ofc i’ve always felt guilt and regret for all these things but i guess when u have ocd it can take ANYTHING and turn it into a theme. and yes i have contacted a bunch of them through that website!! im waiting to hear back from them. has therapy worked for u?

@Yayfortherapy thank u so so much i srsly can’t thank u enough

@ocdsvcks Oh my gosh therapy has helped me SO much. I went from being 19 and quitting my job, vomiting from anxiety every single morning, unable to do anything, crying and shaking from anxiety like all day, totally trapped in my mind and tormented; to completely turning around and feeling like I have control over my OCD. I know how to identify OCD thoughts and I immediately know what to do so that the thoughts don’t spiral. I think knowing what to do has made OCD so much less scary. Like I can’t even explain how much it has helped. I never could’ve imagined that my life would be this normal and good. That’s why I’m so excited for you to be starting this journey!

@Yayfortherapy omg yayy!! that makes me so happy to hear :)) im so glad that you’ve gotten ur life back! it seems impossible for me to go back to normal right now just because of how real and debilitating this is. but hearing ur story has really given me hope

@ocdsvcks I’m glad!! Yeah everyone’s experience with therapy is different but I’ve never heard from anyone who hasn’t at least significantly improved.

@Yayfortherapy exactly! thank u so much again :)

i also know that i would never ever act on this. i don’t know why i did what i did but i feel an insane amount of guilt for it.