I can’t believe OCD kept me from celebrating my birthday today. Well, technically yesterday. I’m so afraid of contaminating myself with my cold sore that I wouldn’t go out and do anything because I wouldn’t wear my hair down or put on makeup in case it spread to my eye. I feel defeated.

I've never had COVID until now. I've tried so hard to avoid it. My family all got it first and I have a baby. We stayed away from the others as much as possible, even had my husband and other kid stay somewhere else, but it was too late and the baby got it and I had to take him to the ER for a 106 fever, and then I got sick from him and I am very sick, and I know the virus is everywhere in, on, and around me, and I don't know how I will ever survive knowing I can't possibly get rid of it from everything. I had to go to the ER for heart symptoms from my illness and they did lots of tests but I'm just very sick. I bet my anxiety was giving me heart palpitations. This really feels like my worst nightmare. Even after I'm better, how can I disinfectant every single thing, the carpets, my baby's stuff, so I'm not worried about infecting other people or even about just having the virus on me? I know it can't make me sick again but it's the contamination that kills me.

Today I was officially diagnosed, and a lot of my thoughts all day have been “man, what if I actually don’t have it and I exaggerated my symptoms or something.” I had this thought especially because I hadn’t had a really bad episode in a while. But then sure enough, I had a little episode tonight. I feel like I might’ve brought it upon myself, at least in small part. Having difficulty separating OCD paranoia from real life problems to be considered with at the moment 👎🏻 Gonna sleep on it! 🙏🏻❤️

I noticed I’ve been posting a lot these past few weeks. I just hate my brain and been having a lot of ocd I’m very picky who I’m intimate with. I also have a strong fear of stds/hiv very heavily. I am afraid of lots of things but I can’t live in fear so I decided to engage in intimacy last night. (TMI) I thought the condom popped, but when he showed me it was closed and sealed but my ocd brain is thinking some of it ripped. Now I know that you have to expose yourself to situations that threaten you. I also noticed that I beat myself up heavy when I do an exposure and im still paranoid and then become grateful I’m so tired of my brain and not being able to enjoy anything sometimes: I sometimes feel like leaving this earth.