I can’t believe OCD kept me from celebrating my birthday today. Well, technically yesterday. I’m so afraid of contaminating myself with my cold sore that I wouldn’t go out and do anything because I wouldn’t wear my hair down or put on makeup in case it spread to my eye. I feel defeated.

My OCD fear of herpes constantly makes me think my mouth has touched random left behind drinks from stores, lipstick testers, one time I even thought maybe I kissed a homeless man. It makes it so much harder to fight when I could just clean to alleviate some degree of stress. : ( I don't want to accept the risk when I feel like there's something I could have done to prevent it (clean enough) I don't think I could live with the guilt if I infected others.

First my credit card fell on the floor at the coffee shop. I managed to pick it up with gloves, clean it with wet wipes and put it back in my wallet (usually I would try to wash it, but managed to just wipe and put away). Then as ai was throwing away the wipes and gloves, my glasses fell out of my bag, onto the floor. They were in the case so I ended up dumping the glasses on the table and discarding the case (but later found my good case that I've been looking for in my car since last year 😁). I later decided to get rid of the 3 bags of garbage sitting on my counter, went outside, and of course it was raining. I continued to the dumpster, and tried to throw it from a distance. One bag hit the dumpster, while the other 2 went in. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I picked up the bag and threw it in (despite that it felt extra contaminated), and removed the gloves I had on. I continued to enter my apartment and touch stuff (even though it was raining and water that was on my contaminated gloves could have gotten on me). I continued then to go clean my bathtub/shower/shower curtain. Right now I'm trying very hard not to start avoiding touching things and still working a bit about contamination in my apartment (I have chain type contamination OCD that is disgust based, not getting sick based). I hate this😭

Agh, this irritates me so much. My hands and skin are tight and dry from going crazy because I keep being compulsive and washing them. I hadn’t left the house in over a week and I still want to fuss over my hands. I know it’s OCD and I know that half the viruses floating in my mind aren’t near me, but I still feel like I’m gonna catch a fatal illness if I don’t obsess over my hands.