I started a new journal. I have this thing with new journals is that they have infinite possibility for expression and creation. I want to arrange the whole thing, my experience about when I write/draw, the category of whatever I record or create. I want to anticipate whether or not this is private or something to be shared. If it is useful. If it is benign. And I also remember previous journals and experiences. Instead I do nothing stare at it, think about doing something, start and then hate it. Mostly I do nothing. And then I turn to compulsive cycling for however long. I feel sad about creating nothing. But creating is often also a path to further cycling. So avoidance etc. etc. etc. thanks for listening. The birds outside are a good distraction. Sigh.

That’s great. But be careful that it doesn’t become a compulsion. I started a dream diary and when I realized it was becoming a compulsion it was too late. So even if you didn’t write anything, don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay. I should’ve been okay when I couldn’t remember my dreams and I started getting anxious and now it’s the main reason why I’m so tired because I wake up several times a night to write down my dreams before I forget.

Denial is functional if it allows me to chill enough to regroup.

My partner says to me “you don’t need to remember your dreams,” “stop listening to podcasts that tell you to do that, problem solved.” I know it can lead to ? but she makes me ?.

I totally did that for periods more than once. I genuinely enjoy a good dream review but it’s pretty much unstructured imagination ripe for excessive analysis.

I would stay awake trying to remember and record. Now I try to tell myself that my brain remembers and will figure out whatever it needs without intervention.

I’ve tried that too. My friends have told me if it’s important I’ll remember. Same with ideas/designs, because I’m the creator. But I get anxious when I wake up abruptly when only a few seconds ago I was dreaming but can’t remember. I was able to stop when I had a therapist but now it’s worse. At this point I’m writing not for the joy but rather Im scared to be incomplete. I tried to be satisfied with what I remember but now I get anxious if I don’t remember the others or if I knew I was dreaming but can’t remember anything at all I get anxious. Ugh.

So. Totally speaking from my own experience with my Stuff. One thing I did when my writing was excessive was switch to drawing a scene. It was still time consuming but the cranking of detail was redirected into a tighter container than narrative and analysis. I enjoyed this more. Made art I will never share... but great images. Ok but should probably trying to think of a hierarchy and exposure.

Maybe I’d have to try to and sit with my empty paper. Pen in hand. Maybe right at dawn.

I use my phone and send myself emails. When I had a diary I got scared of losing papers and people seeing them.

They say to redirect your attention when anxious but that’s a form of avoidance, right?

I’m glad she’s there for you and make you smile. It’s important that our partners, family etc don’t enable us. I’m constantly told “everyone forgets” or “a lot of people don’t remember their dreams”.