I was once quite a toxic friend to a girl I’m not really close to anymore. Looking back I did little things that were just so unkind. I even picked on her insecurities in a discrete way. To be honest, I don’t think she ever really realised or cared. I hope. At the time, I guess it must’ve been due to jealousy or something. I don’t even know. She’d annoy me but I don’t think I ever knew why for sure. That’s partly why I think I detached myself from the friendship. But I worry she blamed herself. But now I’m just worried about it. I don’t want to be like that with my current friends. I don’t want to let my insecurities and envy get in the way. I don’t want to treat people in that way. But I’m finding it hard to accept that I CAN change and I CAN be a good friend. I’m scared I am unable to care for friends. What I did was wrong but I fear being like that again. So is it possible to combat my inner emotions like jealousy to prevent these things? If anyone has any advice it’d mean a lot :)

the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.

Alright so basically i have major attachment and jealousy issues to the point where i don’t really have any friends because of how clingy i am. i currently have a boyfriend and im trying to be better at it by not asking him to always be with me and give him space when he needs it and not complain about it all the time when he hangs out with friends. I get even very jealous of his dogs and family, obviously ive not told him that but i really am. Today me and my boyfriend were hanging out together on a game when his sister joined, i tried to not say anything but then i got that really bad gut feeling that i was gonna cry about it and i felt so bad if i asked to play something else. So i told him calmly that if he wanted to play a game or hang out with her thats okay and he told me he wanted to be with the both of us so i just told him that i dont do well in groups, even with my own sisters im terrible at groups i get all weird and clingy. So then he got a bit upset because he thought i was upset about her so i told him that i wasnt and that its completely okay and that its his sister and i understand that. Now he’s currently frustrated at me while im silently upset. I dont know what to do i know what i feel is wrong but i cant help it. Ive talked to him about my issues alot with the clinginess and he said he doesn’t mind but then there was a time he told me to back off being clingy so i did and then he wanted back and its so frustrating and confusing i dont know what to do.

I am wondering if I am a narcissist. Last time I checked, I fit the criteria of a covert narcissist. I know many say that if I am even worried about it and self-reflecting, then I am possibly not. But what if I am? What if I am a self-aware narcissist? Idk I want therapy in that case. When I think about my past, I thought my behavior was okay. Over the years, I am less of a control freak now, I am more empathetic and I look down on people less. I realized people are actually cool and being friendly is such a nice feeling. Not because I get something from them but because we genuinely have such a good time together. However, I still sometimes daydream too mich about being beautiful, smart and successful. But I don’t want to use other people to get there. Or to feel better about myself. I know I am bad at some stuff. I actually laugh at it. I do gaslight people sometimes, especially when I want to win an argument. Idk why I see arguments as I have to prove I am right. I want to be as fair as possible. I was very mean and judgmental in the oast, and I am honestly happy I got over that. I try to be more empathetic and I think I an doing a good job. I want to be nice to others and do stuff for them and I dont expect anything in return or if I do I am telling myself I shouldnt, this is not right. I opened up to my sisters about it and she said that if she saw me being toxic, she would tell me. And that I shouldn’t be self-diagnosing myself. My friends say I am not a narcissist but then I try to explain what goes over in my head and like explain why they might be actually wrong about this because I really fit the criteria. This was my fear at least twice, it went away but it cane back again and idk this time instead of trying to fight it with tests I am just thinking here maybe it is true. Idk I was at least narcissistic in the past and I really don’t like it. People have shown me I can be myself, and being actually friendly and nice to everyone is so nice. I feel like my classmates taught me so mich on how not to be judgmental and just be okay. Be healthy. I apologized to my friend because in the past I was so judgmental she actually felt she couldn’t tell me anything. I feel bad with that. But I would orefer if she had said something although at that time I was receiving the criticism quite badly. At some point I just decided that no, I have to stop and I did. I take the criticism with more maturity now. What I don’t like it that right now I am not feeling scared of that, no panic no nothing. Idk if this is me internally knowing I am a covert narcissist but I am being self-aware or have I become numb? Idk I think I am not the worst person on earth, but like can I be good if I am a narcissist? Where can I get help. Do you think a school psychologist might? I think I am writing this because I am looking for reassurance and honestly idk.