I was once quite a toxic friend to a girl I’m not really close to anymore. Looking back I did little things that were just so unkind. I even picked on her insecurities in a discrete way. To be honest, I don’t think she ever really realised or cared. I hope. At the time, I guess it must’ve been due to jealousy or something. I don’t even know. She’d annoy me but I don’t think I ever knew why for sure. That’s partly why I think I detached myself from the friendship. But I worry she blamed herself. But now I’m just worried about it. I don’t want to be like that with my current friends. I don’t want to let my insecurities and envy get in the way. I don’t want to treat people in that way. But I’m finding it hard to accept that I CAN change and I CAN be a good friend. I’m scared I am unable to care for friends. What I did was wrong but I fear being like that again. So is it possible to combat my inner emotions like jealousy to prevent these things? If anyone has any advice it’d mean a lot :)

It’s great to have someone relate! I completely understand everything you’ve said. I obsess a lot about ‘care’ and whether or not I care for the people in my life. So this example with my friend was a real kick. Because if I can do that, and so horribly pick on someone’s insecurities, what more can I do? That just PROVES I didn’t care about her. I remind myself that me being so worked up about this is proof that atleast NOW I care. But I don’t know if that’s me or my ocd. You’re right though. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves. It’s a matter of positive reinforcements if we wish to do better. Beating ourselves up will just make it worse. But sometimes I feel like I need to, you know?

@garden :) I just can’t believe I was so manipulative. And because one of my biggest fears is being a narcissist or sociopath... that scares me a lot.

@garden :) Yes, but people with ocd OVERLY punish themselves because they feel they deserve it. People with ocd are overly hard on themselves which in cases like these I find it harder to move on and better yourself. I know tho things are easier said than done, I still have trouble with these and I will. You were young and like I said were all human. It’s definitely hard to figure out what is and isn’t ocd with something like this. I have BPD, so sometimes my bpd and ocd mix and mash and it’s hard to tell what is what a lot of the time. You’ll get through it though and you aren’t alone. You will grow and become a better you.

@garden :) Also I have those EXACT fears of being a sociopath or narcissist so I definitely feel you with that

@Mars You’re right. It’s just so hard. I’m scared this truly means something about my character. I feel doomed. I tell myself that tackling my jealousy problem will fix it all, but I also fear it won’t. I fear I just don’t care for anyone in this world. That’s so terrifying.

@garden :) I understand, what ever ends up happening though you will be ok and you deserve good things.

@Mars I just don’t feel like I do. Do you think it’s possible that I can change my ‘bad’ emotions like jealousy?

@garden :) I think it’s human to feel jealousy! Everyone feels it. We humans feel “good” and “bad” emotions! It’s not about stopping them, it’s about changing how you react to them and expressing them in a healthy manner : )

@Mars That’s so true. You’re right. I can’t choose how I feel but I can choose how I act. Thank you for all your help :) I hope you’re okay too

@garden :) Yes exactly! And thank you, it’s a journey and some days I can feel myself wanting to express my own emotions unhealthily but all you can do is try and work on coping skills to not!

@Mars Exactly. I hope I can get there! And I hope you can too