- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Obviously was not hurt, at least not seriously, she can't even remember what you are talking about. This is OCD and your only chance to make progress is to stop analyzing about this case and just let it go. No more reassurance from others no discussing. You can win this fight. You will never reach the point where you got the feeling that you finally got an answer and get your inner peace. OCD will always give you this feeling: only this last answer I will be fine. But this will work, if at all, only in the short term. OCD is insatiable. You have to stop and leave the topic behind.
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey you should listen to Katie on this rather than reposting it a lot hoping for another answer. You upset her in the past with vague, guilt-ridden confessing and she didn't want to talk about it, you even recognise doing it then as a mistake. Yet you want to do the same thing again, and because your sister can't give you the reassurance you want, you want to ask your mother for it? If she said to you she didn't remember, chances are she said the same to your mother. You probably alarmed both of them by being vague and I doubt that trying to confess in more detail would be beneficial for anyone. You say it's about not wanting to hurt your sister, but this is clearly more about wanting to relieve your own suffering- which is understandable, but there is a distinction there and you need to notice it. If she remembers it when she's older, you can talk about it then, on her terms. And if she doesn't then there's nothing you can do about it. There's no way you can find out through any amount of analysis etc whether it had some traumatic impact on her. Leaving it alone is what is best for your sister's wellbeing, not to mention best for your OCD. Katie wasn't saying your intention is to harm her, but that your 'need' to confess and find out is not about looking out for her, it's about making you feel better, and in the process you can potentially harm her. You don't need to forgive yourself right now for the mountains of harm your OCD says you have done or might have done. Work on the OCD to end up in a position where you're able to integrate a more reasonable view of the issue, and then work on self compassion about whatever is left. I have literally been exactly where you are except that I *know for a fact* I screwed my sister up a bit, and she said she doesn't remember. I didn't have OCD about it at the time when I remembered it and apologised, so I was able to apologise in a way that is reasonable (not doing things like freaking out that she must hate me or piling all my guilt on her which would just alarm her or make her feel pressured). Mine still said she didn't remember. Whether she did or does or will do or not, I leave it up to her asto whether she wants to talk to me about it at any future point, and if she does, I'll again be apologetic without being self flagellating, as I can recognise my own youth etc just as much as I know she would recognise it, and I'll offer whatever amends would be appropriate considering all factors. Genuine accountability isn't about making yourself feel better or being certain that you didn't cause harm or hearing the magic words of forgiveness or even really about being forgiven by the other person or them not judging you. And it's not about desperation to be able to forgive yourself either. It's a wish to take responsibility *when and where it's appropriate and accurate* and for the other person to move forwards from it. Even if that means being disliked or judged or blamed. I've done "confessions" like the one you want to do and I've done meaningful accountable apology, I know the difference between them. You may have caused harm, yeah, it's possible. It's your OCD making that seem like the end of the world. The terror and extreme guilt you feel about that prospect isn't real life. Try to stop making your decisions on the basis that it is.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I will try and recognize what I did as something that is no longer in my hands, but in my sister's, because I have done all I could. I'm glad you didn't hold back in this, because this is what the truth is.
- Date posted
- 5y
You really seem to worry a lot. Maybe you should consider taking SSRI to calm down your ruminating a little. They push the rumination thoughts into the background if they work.
- Date posted
- 5y
can=can't
- Date posted
- 5y
Have you considered the harm you do to her by asking? This is a prime situation where you could accidentally create an inaccurate memory in her, that then causes her distress
- Date posted
- 5y
To be clear, you questioning her actively harms her as well as yourself
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes, I have. That is why I dont want to bring it up to her again, I don't want her to develop a false memory but I cant think of any other way to forgive myself, i need to know shes okay
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie This is still true even if you did hurt her. You pressing her to recount a memory she doesn't want to discuss would be retraumatizing. Whether you did or didn't hurt her in the past, asking her now WILL hurt her in the present
- Date posted
- 5y
@worryqueen So you're going to find forgiveness by harming her?if that's your plan, it seems pretty clear that you're not really caring about her well-being, your driven by seeking relief for yourself
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie No, I dont want to harm her. Please dont assume that I do, I'm just saying that I dont know another way I can forgive myself. I dont plan on talking to her about it, but I'm trying to find another solution for this problem.
- Date posted
- 5y
@worryqueen If you assume it's OCD, what is the long term solution? I'm pretty sure you already know, you just don't like the answer (which is understandable, because the answer feels pretty awful)
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie What do you think the answer is? Acceptance or forgiveness?
- Date posted
- 5y
@worryqueen Acceptance that you might've harmed her and then moving on with life. The more you do normal life things, the more you demonstrate to your brain that this issue isn't as big a deal asit feels right now
- Date posted
- 5y
This is not ought to be reassurance but as know the nature of OCD i'm quite sure that this was a minor incident. Nothing to discuss further. Furthermore in the case you simply can't resist asking her, tell her that this is an OCD driven question and deep in your heart also know that this a silly and unnecessary question. This will help your sister to see this nagging of you in the right context and is nothing to take serious so she is less likely to take harm from this. Still you should consider taking SSRI.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
TW// MENTION OF DR8GS, SXUAL CONTENT false memory ocd is targeting my earlier teen years, around 16, I had a friend and we both did droogs (spelled it like that for a reason) one time together. I was scared to do the other stuff we had so she did it. but I remember us like touching eachothers chest as like girl stuff I guess idk it was weird lol… like about our sizes but then later on I had asked her smthng about ohh “would u ever wanna do stuff? or would u feel like that’s weird” something along those lines… and I remember her saying “ohhh I mean idk I would but I wouldn’t want it to make things weird between us”.. now here’s my thing. I remember just agreeing and accepting it and moving on, but obviously feeling weird cus that was sortve rejection. But my brain is saying what if u kept asking? Or questioned her? (We never did anything but likeee my ocd is like what if u tried to push it) and my brain is like what if u wanted to do it just bc she was under influence? I wanted us both to do it while under influence 1. Because we wouldn’t be anxious 2. I thought it would be fun at the time 3. I felt like it would be less weird if we were high. I did not PLAN for us to do these substances just for this reason but it was in my head that maybe we would do stuff if we had a sleepover or something plus I had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy and I also like girls. All im thinking is what if she said yes? MY high wore off before hers and hers was lasting longer so she would’ve been under the influence and that would’ve been super bad I would’ve felt like I 🍇 her or something… that’s why im scared right now. Idk if these what ifs are true and I literally am sick with uncertainty. If it’s true that would make me feel so terrible, like a predator (like I tried to coerce her or something) but idk what’s true and what’s not. I just remember this false memory being triggered by the fact that I asked when we were on stuff but my stuff had already wore off is what’s bothering me. (We took different things) I remember worrying about this false memory before, and was able to move on. Also me and that girl were friends for a couple years after that until we fell out over stupidity. And we also had sleepovers after that and idk if I already asked her for reassurance like ohhh are u sure I didn’t make u uncomfortable.. but idk if I did. I want to ask but I can’t because I guess she is not around right now. Like MIA.(her own personal stuff im assuming) Any advice would help :(
- Date posted
- 17w
I’m reaching out for educational and self-awareness purposes, hoping to better understand something I’ve been mentally struggling with for several years. Around five years ago, I began having a deeply distressing memory involving the fear that I may have acted inappropriately toward my younger sister when I was around 13–14 years old. The details are vague, fragmented, and unclear—but ever since this thought first appeared, I’ve treated it as if it were a real event. I’ve carried immense guilt, fear, and anxiety for years, convinced that I must have done something horrible. Despite asking my sister (who remembers absolutely nothing, has never shown signs of discomfort, and has told me more than once that she would’ve spoken up if anything had happened), the doubt and guilt never went away. The memory feels real, yet there is no external confirmation, no direct recall, and no evidence beyond my own mental images and fear. I’ve also struggled with obsessive thoughts in other areas, such as health anxiety since childhood—frequent doctor visits, checking my pulse, obsessing over illness—and only recently learned about false memory OCD, which aligns with my experience. I’m not currently seeking therapy but would greatly appreciate your professional opinion from an educational perspective: Does this sound more like a real memory, or more likely a false memory created by OCD or anxiety-related mechanisms I am stuck between a normal person or a s*xual abuser
- Date posted
- 14w
This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this.
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