worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

A few years ago I made the mistake of talking about my real event ocd with my little sister, the one I believe I hurt in the past. She said she doesn't remember what happened, and looked freaked out. She didnt wanna talk about it at all. Now it's been two years and I wanna bring it up again but I'm afraid it'll go the same as it did before. The only way I can see around this is by going to my mom again. She talked to my sister when it all went down because I was crying over how she'll never love me again, but she talked to her alone. Idk about what. I need to know. I need to know if I hurt her or not but she doesnt remember what happened and I read about these child on child sexual assault victims who remember when they're older and I'm afraid that's the case. Shes only 15 now and I'm 18, so idk.

"Pure" OCD

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

Obviously was not hurt, at least not seriously, she can't even remember what you are talking about. This is OCD and your only chance to make progress is to stop analyzing about this case and just let it go. No more reassurance from others no discussing. You can win this fight. You will never reach the point where you got the feeling that you finally got an answer and get your inner peace. OCD will always give you this feeling: only this last answer I will be fine. But this will work, if at all, only in the short term. OCD is insatiable. You have to stop and leave the topic behind.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

Hey you should listen to Katie on this rather than reposting it a lot hoping for another answer. You upset her in the past with vague, guilt-ridden confessing and she didn't want to talk about it, you even recognise doing it then as a mistake. Yet you want to do the same thing again, and because your sister can't give you the reassurance you want, you want to ask your mother for it? If she said to you she didn't remember, chances are she said the same to your mother. You probably alarmed both of them by being vague and I doubt that trying to confess in more detail would be beneficial for anyone. You say it's about not wanting to hurt your sister, but this is clearly more about wanting to relieve your own suffering- which is understandable, but there is a distinction there and you need to notice it. If she remembers it when she's older, you can talk about it then, on her terms. And if she doesn't then there's nothing you can do about it. There's no way you can find out through any amount of analysis etc whether it had some traumatic impact on her. Leaving it alone is what is best for your sister's wellbeing, not to mention best for your OCD. Katie wasn't saying your intention is to harm her, but that your 'need' to confess and find out is not about looking out for her, it's about making you feel better, and in the process you can potentially harm her. You don't need to forgive yourself right now for the mountains of harm your OCD says you have done or might have done. Work on the OCD to end up in a position where you're able to integrate a more reasonable view of the issue, and then work on self compassion about whatever is left. I have literally been exactly where you are except that I *know for a fact* I screwed my sister up a bit, and she said she doesn't remember. I didn't have OCD about it at the time when I remembered it and apologised, so I was able to apologise in a way that is reasonable (not doing things like freaking out that she must hate me or piling all my guilt on her which would just alarm her or make her feel pressured). Mine still said she didn't remember. Whether she did or does or will do or not, I leave it up to her asto whether she wants to talk to me about it at any future point, and if she does, I'll again be apologetic without being self flagellating, as I can recognise my own youth etc just as much as I know she would recognise it, and I'll offer whatever amends would be appropriate considering all factors. Genuine accountability isn't about making yourself feel better or being certain that you didn't cause harm or hearing the magic words of forgiveness or even really about being forgiven by the other person or them not judging you. And it's not about desperation to be able to forgive yourself either. It's a wish to take responsibility *when and where it's appropriate and accurate* and for the other person to move forwards from it. Even if that means being disliked or judged or blamed. I've done "confessions" like the one you want to do and I've done meaningful accountable apology, I know the difference between them. You may have caused harm, yeah, it's possible. It's your OCD making that seem like the end of the world. The terror and extreme guilt you feel about that prospect isn't real life. Try to stop making your decisions on the basis that it is.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, I needed to hear this. I will try and recognize what I did as something that is no longer in my hands, but in my sister's, because I have done all I could. I'm glad you didn't hold back in this, because this is what the truth is.

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

You really seem to worry a lot. Maybe you should consider taking SSRI to calm down your ruminating a little. They push the rumination thoughts into the background if they work.

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

can=can't

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

Have you considered the harm you do to her by asking? This is a prime situation where you could accidentally create an inaccurate memory in her, that then causes her distress

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

To be clear, you questioning her actively harms her as well as yourself

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes, I have. That is why I dont want to bring it up to her again, I don't want her to develop a false memory but I cant think of any other way to forgive myself, i need to know shes okay

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie This is still true even if you did hurt her. You pressing her to recount a memory she doesn't want to discuss would be retraumatizing. Whether you did or didn't hurt her in the past, asking her now WILL hurt her in the present

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen So you're going to find forgiveness by harming her?if that's your plan, it seems pretty clear that you're not really caring about her well-being, your driven by seeking relief for yourself

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie No, I dont want to harm her. Please dont assume that I do, I'm just saying that I dont know another way I can forgive myself. I dont plan on talking to her about it, but I'm trying to find another solution for this problem.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen If you assume it's OCD, what is the long term solution? I'm pretty sure you already know, you just don't like the answer (which is understandable, because the answer feels pretty awful)

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What do you think the answer is? Acceptance or forgiveness?

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Acceptance that you might've harmed her and then moving on with life. The more you do normal life things, the more you demonstrate to your brain that this issue isn't as big a deal asit feels right now

Quite Unknown

Date posted: 5y

This is not ought to be reassurance but as know the nature of OCD i'm quite sure that this was a minor incident. Nothing to discuss further. Furthermore in the case you simply can't resist asking her, tell her that this is an OCD driven question and deep in your heart also know that this a silly and unnecessary question. This will help your sister to see this nagging of you in the right context and is nothing to take serious so she is less likely to take harm from this. Still you should consider taking SSRI.

Givenup

Date posted: 23w

Pocd and my horrible childhood

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

Givenup

Date posted: 21w

Childhood real pocd events

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

Givenup

Date posted: 21w

Pocd and childhood

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

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