Just talked to my mom about my real event OCD. Feels good to get it off my chest, but I still feel terrible about what I did

That is so awesome!

Yes, I would love that :) and I'm glad you're doing better now

@worryqueen Aren't you headed to college in the fall? If so, it will be great that you will be getting a handle on your OCD before school starts.

@Fear Strikes Out Yes, I will he starting college then. I really hope I'll be able to do cause I dont want my ocd getting in the way of my education... but idk

Thank you for the suggestion and resources!! The article about moral scrupulosity helped a lot :)

@worryqueen Glad it helped. Hang in there, it doesn’t go away, but it gets more manageable. :)

I told her it part of my ocd, and that in my mind it's black and white thinking so I think I'm a rapist for playing doctor as a child. She said the past is the past and that I was an innocent child.

@worryqueen Are you still planning to get therapy? Have you had other sticky thoughts that have lingered in your mind for a lot longer than they should?

@Fear Strikes Out Yes, I have. I had pocd before, and some other subtypes. I'm looking for a therapist but it's hard to find one and nocd therapy doesnt work in my state

Yeah, I do feel less alone though and that she understands me more, which I what I wanted more than reassurance

@worryqueen Hmm, I did feel better after talking about my real event OCD stuff with family and friends, but it was because I felt less like I was carrying a secret- I didn't ask them for reassurance or need them to think I'm not a bad person (which is also reassurance). Thing is that before you confessed you seemed far far far more preoccupied with worry of your mother hating you and with your own guilt in general, I gotta call you out on what you just said about what you mostly wanted. What you wanted was to not feel like such a bad person, and airing your mistakes and being forgiven was the only way you saw to do so, you said that multiple times. You originally wanted to confess it to your sister but you thought she'll tell you she doesn't remember again which wouldn't offer the relief you were seeking. She would have 'understood you more', she would have heard the details from you, but you wouldn't have gotten a sense of redemption out of it, you said the "only way around that" would be to confess to your mother instead. Honestly it seems likely that the fact you feel less alone or that she understands you more is a side-effect, and potentially not even accurate. She didn't need to know the details to know that you did something you thought wasn't ok or made you a bad person and that you felt bad about it. You'd already said so. This one incident isn't exactly a door to a whole new way of understanding you as a person or even what you're going through, especially not for your own mother. But anyway they do say that a problem shared is a problem halved, hopefully you will take the advice to not give in to urges to be reassured the third time. It's just disappointing that you acted on your confession compulsions the last time you had this obsession a few years ago and it made you feel temporarily better, and now you've done the same thing again in more detail to get that reassurance back. You may feel a bit better at the moment but what you did is really bad for your OCD. The time to share something like that is when and where it's appropriate, without an overload of guilt, without asking their opinion of you as a person or for reassurance that you didn't do harm, etc. In fact the time to talk about past personal mistakes is precisely when you're not obsessing about them, so that you can be balanced and not alarm/upset/stress/pressure whoever you're sharing it with. This wasn't accountability, it was purely comfort seeking :(

@Scoggy I get what you're saying, and I'm sure what I did was partly to feel better, but I didnt tell her any more details. I didnt mention my sisters name, I just said "do you remember when I freak out a couple years ago over this? I'm bothered by it again" and resisted telling her anymore details that I didnt say last time. My mother is an understanding person, and maybe I took adavatange of that, but she's my mother and she loves me and I need that love right now, not just reassurance. I know what I did was partly a compulsion and I kind of hate myself for it, but I dont want to carry around a secret anymore like you said.

@worryqueen Don't hate yourself. It does nothing to help you with your OCD.

@Fear Strikes Out I know, but it's hard not to

I'm not sure. I'd tell her she was just a child and didnt know better. I'd tell her she deserves to live a good life now. Idk why I cant accept these things for myself too.