Can I please talk to someone?? I'm extremely anxious tonight :(

I'm sorry :( I think I read something from your post's comment section that triggered me this evening. I was literally in the verge of tears but I couldn't cry after a few drops :(

@sanzida? I’m so so so sorry. I hope it wasn’t something I said!!

@Yikes1000X No it was from someone else. You didn't trigger me :) (rest assured) It was someone in your comments that wrote something so triggering im literally questioning my whole life :(. DW about it. You're all good

@sanzida? Don’t worry, I know a lot is triggering but a lot of things have upset me too. I’m going through my own big block with treatment right now too.

@Yikes1000X I'm trying to calm down but anything I do I feel terrible. It was like I never liked men at all. Even with hocd I have had feelings for men. And now suddenly my brain says "you hate men, never liked them" and it feels true like my mind in going haywire that I suddenly like girls. I never did like them though!!! ?. I'm trying my best to calm and relax but my muscles won't stop tensing :(

@sanzida? Time to get some meds

@Lynnrich I dont have meds nor can I take any unnecessarily

@sanzida? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and I understand what you’re going through. My own personal demons have been ruining my recovery too. I found porn pretty young and have been turned on by boobs since then. I’m terrified my attractions to men must be made up then and my relationship is doomed. This is a really tough disease

@sanzida? You need to get some help with medication

@Yikes1000X Same, the person on your post said that gay or bi people can have homo OCD and that kind of got me scared. I'm so scared I'm like that ?. Can I ask you something please???

@sanzida? Of course!

@Lynnrich I'm 14 I can't get them without prescription here. My mom said no :(.

@sanzida? Not to be nosy, but why did she say no? I’m sorry, I hope you have access to therapy

@Yikes1000X 1. Do certain words like phase, les, gay, straight, LGBT etc trigger you?? 2. Does your mind ever make up those scenarios and you get uncomfy but also feel numb? 3. Does your mind sometimes play songs from like gay artists? I've heard a few on TikTok and they play in my head and I'm literally so uncomfy rn :(

@sanzida? What you’re describing is definitely characteristic of ocd. I avoid certain shows with actresses I think are pretty for these same reasons

@Yikes1000X No I don't have access. I was doing it but they lady made me Hella uncomfy. She didn't say no for any particular reason. She just said you can control this you will be okay. Also I hate taking meds for stuff like this ?

@Yikes1000X Omg same!!! I watched a movie with mum recently and I got triggered. I want to watch a show but I'm scared I'll be attracted to the girl so I'm not watching it :(

@sanzida? I do the same thing. I avoid sex for the same reasons and I ruin it for myself when I do have it because of OCD. Can you get another therapist?

@Yikes1000X No not currently I don't want one. Every single one told me stuff that made it worse and they are quite judgemental :(

@sanzida? I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve had that experience too. My biggest problem with therapy is I’ve often gotten reassurance from my therapists

@sanzida? That sounds like ocd to me. To be honest, I envy that you’ve never been aroused by a female body because that’s what’s ruining my recovery

@Yikes1000X MY thing got worse after I met a therapist. Like I look back at my sexual history and I never like girls. Even during puberty (it happened 4 years ago when I was 9). Like even just a year back I remember i had such strong feelings for guys. And now they are suddenly gone. Im so scared of the future. Like I'm numb rn but I feel so scared :(

@Yikes1000X No I have been aroused by Les porn. Which scares the shit out of me :(. I never wanted to do them. I remember thinking of a girl liking me and I got so uncomfortable. DW you'll be okay, I envy you that you have a bf, for some reason that seems so comforting to me :(. I wish I had one

@sanzida? Same here. I was boycrazy, wanted to text boys, meet up with boys, everything. But erotica and porn has made me think I must be gay now and society made me think I liked boys

@sanzida? You will❤️ we will get through this, okay? It won’t be like this forever

@Yikes1000X Same. Like I regret watching Les porn. I really do. I wouldn't have changed if I ne we watched it. My poor life decisions is what led me here and now I have to repay. I just want to be with guys. Is that too much to ask for to god? :(

@sanzida? I really don’t think you need to regret it. Plenty of straight women get turned on by that. Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale? I wouldn’t worry, this is ocd upsetting you. In my heart and I’m sure in yours you know the truth. We are okay and will get better

@Yikes1000X Hopefully it won't be like this forever. Also congratulations on getting married soon. Im so happy for you!!! ?. I really hope you and your bf/fiance have a great life together. I want to be like this one day. I feel like I'm weird for thinking that

@Yikes1000X I have taken the Kinsey test before and it has determined me as straight but then I was like "what if that's fake/inaccurate?" "What if I aswered falsely and not truthfully?". Like a bunch of questions spiralled out from my brain :(

@sanzida? You’re not weird. I had it really bad when I was 16 and our relationship survived. I went all through college having crushes on boys and worrying I was going to end up cheating with another guy (another form of ocd) so the fact that I can be afraid of being too attracted to men or not enough is proof enough for me that this isn’t real. You’ll get through this. Being young and going through this sucks

@sanzida? I like boobs. That probably means I’m not 100% straight, but who is? You’re drawn to men, let that comfort you.

@Yikes1000X Yes it does suck. :( I have always had commitment issues, it scares me I'll cheat on my future bf or that he will cheat on me. I just wish I didn't get hocd so early. Like this has made me contemplate my while existence to the core :(.

@Yikes1000X I don't like any girls body parts apart from when I'm watching porn. They are only attractive in porn. I like men and I imagine them so much but then I remember the things I have read and then I get worried like "what if I'm in comphet/internalised homophobia?". Like it never stops :(

@sanzida? Agreed, I don’t check out women on the street, it has to be in an overtly sexual environment. I didn’t cheat and neither will you

@Yikes1000X Thank you for giving me hope like this. :) I feel a bit better though I feel like I'm lying to myself when I say I like men And only want them. I feel like I'm lying when I say I don't want girls. Like it's literally so confusing because im emotionally and mentally numb at this point to everything ?

@sanzida? I feel the same. But, I don’t think we would be in such pain if this was what we wanted

@Yikes1000X Yeah I do agree. Like I literally cried the night I got hocd severely. Like I don't think I would have cried so much

@sanzida? I have cried constantly too. It’s not you who’s doing this

@Yikes1000X Yeah, it my brain that makes me feel like complete bs and i can't avoid it nor do I have the power to control it

@sanzida? You’re going to be okay!!

@Yikes1000X Hopefully I'm so scared today, I woke up and I had a thought and I didn't react properly. I flinched when I realized I was having the thoughts after like 5 secs. I feel like I dreamt of a girl in my sleep ?. I'm scared that my thoughts are ego syntonic. I don't want girls ?

@sanzida? Try sitting with it without reacting or fighting the thought!