So I did my second therapy appointment and I'm just so hopeless. These "intrusive" feelings if that is what they are I just can't handle it. I can't handle the possibility of being bi. I can't. I'm trying but I cant. The fact that it could change at any time too and that I'll never known for certain is the worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. She had me write a narrative to read every time the thoughts come up and that I'll have some form of clarity after I recover. I dont want to know if I'm bi because I know that is what is going to happen. There is no way I can come out of here straight. No way. That thought alone is enough to keep me stuck. She also said if I'm really distressed and want to compulse to go brush my teeth or to sing the Happy Birthday song to cheer myself up. Don't even know if that will work.

That can't be true for me though it can't. It feels too true. Like I mean it feels true. I can't accept I am. Maybe it isn't even ocd anymore. I hate this so much.

How did you get over this theme if you don’t mind me asking?

@That1girl To be completely honest with you, I still have days where I struggle with it. But they’re much less frequent now, and usually they’re more that annoying little voice in my head rather than the only one I can hear. But to answer that it was mostly widening my horizons and meeting new people. When I started college I was afraid I’d get a female roommate and be attracted to her, and it truly consumed my thoughts. There were a few girls in my freshman year that just stuck in my head like glue, and every time we would hang out I would panic because I couldn’t tell if I was attracted to them or not. It ruined a lot of good friendships, and at the time I didn’t even know that the thoughts were ocd. I just truly believed I was losing my mind. Then one night, the thoughts came back. And they came back HARD. I sat in the dorm shower and just screamed in silence and cried—because I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I felt disgusting. I felt wrong. It just seemed so terrible at that time—so I did what I now understand was a compulsion: I started googling things. “What does it mean if you think you’re gay.” That’s when I found out, through the internet, that I had ocd. I sobbed for 2 hours straight that night. I finally had a name to it. Obviously that didn’t solve everything. Ocd is a mastermind at making you doubt yourself. But I think understanding how ocd works, along with meeting so many different people in college, made me understand that there was nothing to be afraid of. I became friends with some of the gayest people I have ever met in my life—we had the same sense of humor and the same interests so like, OF COURSE I wanted to hang out with them! But it made me think, over and over, does this make me bi or gay too? Eventually, I realized that I had really cool friends, and that they weren’t bad people for being gay. There was nothing wrong with them. They were following their hearts and finding love however they found it. And I never judged them for it, because I knew that would be 1. not nice and 2. plain wrong. How could I judge someone for something they can’t control? And then it hit me. I was judging myself for something I couldn’t even control. My own sexuality. And it made me realize that if I had kindness and compassion and love for my LGBTQ friends, how could I judge myself by that same standard? From then on I learned to be kinder and more forgiving to myself and I think it did help a lot. Obviously being on Zoloft helped me too, and I don’t know if this will help, but being kind to myself has helped. You wouldn’t judge others the same way you judge yourself. So don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay to be yourself, whoever that may be :)

@Jordyn ? Thanks for your words. When you say you’re still bothered by the thoughts, are they just annoying voices in your head now and you can easily call it ocd or do you sometimes still feel like the thoughts/feelings could be real?

@evkrey I can usually peg them as ocd right away now. There are always times where I know it’s ocd, but the feeling stays, but even in those moments, deep down I know that ocd is trying to control me and that I cannot let it make me hate myself any longer. It just takes time. I also have other themes that consume me right now too, so it’s always a constant struggle but it’s never completely hopeless :)

@Jordyn ? Okay cool. Thanks. One more question. So I’m doing ERP now for HOCD, and I’m confused on what to do when an exposure (attractive person of same sex) shows up on TV or social media. In other words, if I see a picture and get triggered, should I continue to stare at the picture until the spike dies down or should I just say “ok cool” to the thought and move on?

@evkrey That’s a tricky one. I mean I guess the best thing to do is probably just chill with the thoughts for a few seconds and try not to avoid it when it comes up. Like tell yourself “hey, that’s an attractive person and you know what, if I’m attracted to them, that’s nothing I can control and it shouldn’t dictate the rest of my day.” So I guess that’s more of an “okay cool” approach where you’re sitting with the thought and accepting uncertainty without obsessing about it.

@Jordyn ? lol I see. I’ll try that, thanks! My ocd definitely likes to play with the idea of what does it mean if I can’t be 100% sure I’m NOT attracted to this person or else I may be hiding a secret and in denial.

@Jordyn ? I’m going into college soon and the fear of being attracted to one of my roommates is extreme , now I can’t tell anything from my past

@That1girl I was the exact same way. I wouldn’t tell a soul the things I was thinking. But I promise you, it’ll be alright. The first few weeks in college were terrifying to be sure, but really the only way I could get over my fear was to meet new people and to realize that whatever “attraction” (real or false) I was feeling was not going to hurt me, and I wasn’t a bad person for being human and having ocd. That’s really all I could do.

I really dont believe I can and I dont know how long I can do this. I'm at my wits end and there is no hope for me. I wish you all the best though.