So yesterday I cried over a bowl of ice cream. A 29 year old woman, crying at a rocky road. Why? Because I was challenging myself. My contamination ocd peaked this week after eating a Caesar salad the same day romaine was announced to be carrying e. Coli. After several triggers in other categories peaked higher, I found myself ignoring the challenges of resisting my compulsions just to get through the other stuff. Mainly relationship OCD and responsibility OCD. But last night I wanted to wind down with some ice cream. I haven’t done this in so long and after a rough day I just really wanted to have a little enjoyment in something. I scooped out a spoonful and it fell on the counter. Not dirty at the moment but it was earlier that day. Typically my compulsion would be to throw the contaminated ice cream down the drain with the spoon, and wash the bowl and the spoon, and start over. But i just threw the ice cream in the bowl and didn’t wash anything. By the time I sat down to eat it, I was panicking with fear that some bacteria would be in there and it was just multiplying. I still wasn’t crying. I was trying to convince myself it would be okay. Then my stomach began to turn and I knew I was now too repulsed to eat anything. That’s when i broke. Now it was just me against ocd with no rewarding sensation to follow because the thought of this truly repulsed me. I battled this for a half hour crying in front of my girlfriend with embarrassment and a ton of frustration. I fought with the idea of “you didn’t throw it away right away, that’s a good start!”as a form of giving in. But I couldn’t do it. It was then that I gave up and took my ice cream back to the sink. Teary eyed, I refused to let ocd take me as prisoner after all the anguish. I scooped an almost melted marshmallow out of the bowl and quickly forced it into my mouth. It sat there until I could decide whether to just swallow it or chew it first. I decided to swallow it but on its way to the back of my throat I got a tiny chew in— Victory! After that, the feeling of the slimy marshmallow in my mouth lingered for the next 30 minutes with minor panicking about bacteria crawling around and the possible health afflictions that might come with it. But I also knew that with one tiny marshmallow bite, I was taking one giant leap for my mental health. I wish everyone the strength to push through their compulsions and challenge yourselves this holiday. Much love to you all ❤️