I feel like I’m being consumed by childhood guilt/ real event ocd and I want to move on and heal. But I’m lacking so many skills as an adult. I need to be able to take care of myself before I can start recovery. Self care has been so hard for me the last 3 months. All I do is take baths and sleep. I suffer from nightmares, stress eat, and ruminate. This is my every day. I’m struggling to keep my home clean, keep up with chores and exercise. I need support. If anyone is out there.

Thank you so much for understanding. Knowing others are out there who understand makes me feel like my chest isn’t going to explode. The guilt is paralyzing most days. Coexisting with intrusive thoughts will be the challenge but thank you for the reminder that I can still do a little bit at a time even though the thoughts are there. Today I’ll try to eat something nutritious and do a load of laundry. I have to start somewhere even if it’s just starting with little things. Praying again might also bring me peace. I’ve lost touch of my spirituality too. I’ve lost everything but my job. Lol Life just feels impossible sometimes.

They are meaningless clouds. Sometimes you have to wonder if someone without OCD would even pay attention, or this much attention to thoughts like this. I have a hard time believing even actual criminals pay this much attention to their actual misdeeds. The thing with people with OCD is they're always want a crystal clear heart and conscience, that's what we are all striving for and the truth is no one is that good or clear conscienced, the people that often consider themselves "good people" dont actually pay attention to any of the bad things they may have done in their lives. Everyones done good and bad things, ocd people just have a hard time accepting they may have done something wrong in their lives. And ofcourse, often catastrophise to a level it's not even at. It's more than likely if you tell another person your real event they'll Be like, really? That's what you feel bad about? Or they might be like, oh yeah that's abit weird but its it's time to let it go now and move on? Why are you still even thinking about it?

Trying to do anything but sleep feels like running through water. It’s so heavy and blurry. I find it hard to be around people when my thoughts are bad. It’s impossible to hide the stress so I retreat to being by myself. I feel like I’m moving backwards and not getting any better. I’ll try to push my to be around my family a bit more. I love the plants I do have. Maybe getting another one might cheer me up. I’m going to try and spend more time with family and less time focusing on the content of my thoughts. I need to take a few days to be numb to the chaos to allow myself room to breathe.

@MJocd This comment gave me chills. I swear I forgot there were people out there who GET IT. And you 2 get it. The guilt is ridiculous and I’m always wondering why now am I falling apart over what I can’t change. I want to have a crystal clear conscience, I would die for one but my ocd will find anything to prove to me that I’m a bad person. My stress level is always at level 8-10 for no reason. I’m so jealous of all the normal people out there who don’t stay up all night crying and ruminating, then sleep all day. Ocd twists my word view and makes me forget all the good I’ve done in my life and all of the happiness I’ve experienced. I have to manually dig for those memories.