This is gonna be a long post as I’m gonna vent my feelings, please if you could offer me support or encouraging words that would be so helpful because I feel so alone and sad right now? I’ve never officially been diagnosed with OCD, but I feel as though I’ve had it my whole life. When I was younger, about 10 or 11, I had so many fears. I feared no one truly liked me so I had to keep asking my friends whether they actually liked me about 20 times for reassurance, but even when they reassured me I still felt as though no one liked me. I kept getting scared that I was going to get hurt, for example I had a fear that my neck was bleeding and I would die so I had to keep rubbing the back of my neck and checking my hand for blood and I kept being terrified of stepping on or sitting on something sharp. In the more recent years, I’ve had my mind convinced me of so much. My mind convinced me I didn’t actually like my best friend. It’s made me believe I don’t care about death and anything violent so whenever I listen to a sad story on the news for example I feel so numb. It’s convinced me I’m not actually a nice person and I only pretend to be nice in order to get a good reputation which is completely not true at all. For a few weeks I had a fear i was going blind so I would have to keep checking my eyes in the mirror before I went to sleep to see if there was anything wrong with them. I also have to keep re-reading messages, cards, emails, social media comments etc because I keep fearing I’ve written something horrible. For example, if I comment something nice on a friend’s Instagram post, I get fears that I’ve written an insult to them so I have to keep reading over the comment over and over again before and after sending it. The obsession I currently have at the moment is about a band that I love. I’ve been a massive fan of theirs for years, they honestly mean the world to me and bring me so much happiness. If you were to ask my family and friends they would tell you I am their biggest fan. They bring me so much joy. But ever since I’ve been into them I’ve had thoughts doubting my love and enjoyment for them. It made me feel numb to them and it’s upset me so much. However, for those years I realise now that I had merely forced the thoughts away. I made myself not think about them which at the time seemed like a good idea because I didn’t really get the thoughts, but I still felt numb towards the group because the thoughts were always at the back of my mind and I believed them. The past month or so I’ve realised that I need to accept the thoughts and try not to react to them but it’s been so hard. I feel so upset because they mean the whole world to me, but these thoughts bring me so much doubt. I can’t stop thinking “what if you’re truly just losing interest in them and can’t accept it?” which i know is not true but I just feel so doubtful and it’s horrible. I can’t stop crying. I’ve felt so alone with these thoughts because theyre not as severe as what other people may have and I’ve been so scared of people saying to me “why are you so upset over that?”. But I can’t stop obsessing over them and it’s hurting me so much. I feel guilty for being this upset because ik people have it worse than me, but as I said this group mean the whole world to me, but now I feel as though I can’t even enjoy them because of these thoughts and I just feel so down. I’ve read that OCD can be caused by trauma which has made me wonder whether the trauma I suffered from when I was young has been a factor towards it. My mom has OCD and there’s been a lot of anxiety disorders in my family so perhaps it’s genetic as well? As I said though I’ve never officially been diagnosed with OCD, but the symptoms seem to point to it. Thank you to anyone who has read this long post, I could really do with support right now?I just feel so down and so alone, I feel hopeless?????