how am i supposed to live my life as the person i wanna be today when i’ve done such shameful things in the past

TW// INCEST im sorry u had to do that. it’s a long story but basically when i was a child i followed my mom into the vaginal exam room and watched her get the exam. i was like 5/6. and then later on when i would think about that i would get aroused. and then when i was 15 or so, i waited outside my mom’s exam room this time but i pictured her getting a vaginal exam done and i was aeoused by it. and this is a very vague memory but when i was little, after my mom gave me a bikini wax, (i think i was like 11 or 12, i hit puberty early lol) for some reason i imagined her touching me in a sexual way. i cant remember if i was even aroused but i just remember thinking that thought. and then a couple years ago when i was 16, my parents were doing sexual things in the same bed as me and my brother bc we were staying at our uncle house, and i felt my self get aroused by it so i masturbated. i have so much regret, shame, and disgust about these things. i haven’t thought about doing ANYTHING like that in a long long time, in fact if i ever hear my parents talk in a sexual way over the phone or something i just turn my music up cause it makes me uncomfortable. i think the things i did were a product of poor judgment. i was a horny teen that had never had sex and acted on impulses that i shouldn’t have. my morals have completely changed and i would never ever do anything like that ever again nor do i want to. i guess ocd comes in bc it tells me this means i’m into incest or that i’m attracted to my mom. rationally i know that my body just reacted to a sexual stimulus and unfortunately i acted upon it, but i regret it so damn much like i wish time machines were real so i could undo these things. i feel so disgusting and sick about it

thank you so much :(( this really does make me feel better. that’s exactly what i thought as well. it’s wasn’t that it was my mother, i was just sexually curious cause sex was so foreign to me. but thank u so much for this response. and thank u for not judging me or making me feel weird about it. thank you!

thank you i’ll try that

that’s what i was thinking too. i think it’s more arousal than attraction if that makes sense?? it’s not like i sought out my mother, but whenever i was faced with a sexual situation and i was aroused by it, i guess my instinct was to act on it and masturbate because that’s what i thought u did when u get aroused.

we were all sharing a bed bc we were staying at my uncles house. they thought we were asleep but they ended up going to the bathroom and i masturbated while they were in there. the only other time something like this happened was when i was little and i was sleeping in their room and i woke up and they were having sex on the floor, again, thinking i was asleep. but i was totally freaked out then. also a couple years ago when we were staying at a hotel together i was sleeping on the bed with my mom and my dad was sitting next to her and i thought i heard them doing something sexual (again, this kind of aroused me and got me excited but i didn’t do anything about it). other than that, nothing else happened. i regret what i did and my attitude towards it and i know that i would never do it again. in fact if i ever over hear them being sexual on the phone or anything i turn my music all the way up so i won’t have to hear it cause it makes me feel uncomfortable