I really try to refrain from posting a lot but this time I have to at this point my anxiety feeling is gone and all that remains is the thoughts still bugging me constantly and turning everything sexual and it bothers me so much, I honestly feel like it’s me in denial like 100% I’ve lost my identity and my heterosexuality, everything was simpler a year ago this day and this was never a thought in my mind at all, my mind is convincing myself it’s not ocd and I’m actually gay and I’m not getting the same anxiety reaction I usually get and my groinals responses are off the chain right now I can’t go anywhere without getting these impulses. I wish i could go back and time and stop myself from going to the party where this all started and I was high ash and this thought comes out of no where.

I feel the exact same way, it’s just always there especially the groinal response. I hope you begin your recovery soon

It's not even my thoughts that's convincing me, it's the feelings :/ I feel so unsolved and weird. Whenever I'm in a good mood, I still have this feeling holding me back. The thoughts are also bugging me, but the feelings are horrendous

Yo I really felt this in my soul dawg, ive been feelin alil iffy to wright on this app but I needed to respond to you my guy. It’s been alil over 6 months n I feel as if I’m dead inside and the old me MY real identity has vanished and I try so hard to remember how it felt to be who I was and when doin so its like my mind removes it in a Instant. It’s so much deeper then I can ever put into words. And for the past couple of weeks my mind has been tryin to work up the nerve to accept that I’m gay but I’m NOT!!! But then I quickly question or better repeatedly tell myself I’m in denial. But then I find it in me to fight these compulsions and tell myself that it’s all an illusion to remember the 2019 me. I feel as if my mind is in a hellish state that I can’t escape and ever thought is set for bate to lore me in disbelief of myself that I am straight and the life I lived before was fake. But mainly it’s how I feel that really has an affect on my mind bc some what of most of my anxiety is gone and bc of that I get scared that it’s just denial. In therapist words if there’s no anxiety and if your really not puting up a fight it’s gay but then I remember all the times I felt like I rather be torn to shreds by demon and by the devil himself then to feel another second of this pain that no one can possibly understand. Everyday with this mindset, mindyou I just found myself before all this started. I never loved myself a day in my life beside that one month before this all happend. And I wasn’t stupid or confused I always was obsessed with girls. It’s like this mind that I have now is tryin to get rid of the pain that makes my bones ache, In order to do so I just need to say fuck it, fuck all this, I’m done, i don’t care nomore, it’s over u win. And I feel at ease bc the thoughts cool down just alil but but I don’t fully expect it bc it goes against everything I stand for and who I am. But as soon as I feel this way I put on a fight and start orguing with myself begging to god to heal my mind. After acouple of seconds my head starts to throb and my minds begins to shake as well as my body. This just started not to long ago and the movement in my pants ain’t gettin better, everything I view I look at it in a sexual way then I pause and Focus and look at it in a different perspective and everything is cool then something else follow up with it. I never get a break, the only time I feel ok is when Im Meditating but even when doin so its not the same how it use to be. There’s so much more to my story but I reassure myself that I’m not just by watching my old videos and photo, doin this puts a smile on my face that’s actually genuine. lately I’ve been feeling more of a different person then I already did. But I won’t give In. We in this fight together hope u read this and get some type of relief bc I feel your pain bro

Sometimes it if like your waitin for it when in situations like it supposed to happened. I’m so ready to reprogram my mind better days coming soon! And thanks hope you get better too