So I am slowly, slowly accepting this but I'm struggling. When i used to watch porn i came across lots of daddy-teen type roleplay themes in porn. I remember role play scenes of like "step dad" or "mums boyfriend" and things of that nature. I am aware it was acting between adults and everything is consensual, but there is still an unethical nature to roleplaying such fantasies in my opinion, things like sneaking into her room etc. I really do get that it's fake, but it doesn't seem right to me to allow fantasies like that to exist. I have a problem coping with memories of scenes like this that I saw in the past. I dont even watch porn anymore, I havent in like 2 years. I also remember some scenes with what seemed like men filming with prostitutes, and I cant help but wonder if the women had all the rights that a porn actress would have? What if they didn't? What if they didnt sign contracts etc before? I know I'm thinking far too deeply into it. This is why I find porn a disgusting industry, and I'm sad that as a young teenager I found porn and regularly went on it, because it's so unethical and I feel that I'll never be able to wipe the shame of it away. Memories of these kinds make me ruminate. There is no clear answer, I cannot be sure of anything so all I feel is shame and ruminate feeling like a bad person for ever viewing porn in the first place.

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

(TRIGGER WARNING) To go more in depth with my question, can porn misconstrue or contort your grown up response and arousal, causing you to feel things to stuff you do not find pleasing? The reason I’m asking this is because something happened just now that is bothering me. I was on TikTok and I saw a video where a girl was explaining how her father SA’ed her. It was really hard for me to even get through the video and I kept pausing throughout because of how shocking it was. However, I noticed that I kept feeling groinal responses along with unwanted imaginations of what she was saying. I know, people typically kind of imagine stories in their head when someone else is telling them said stories, but I felt movement and it was bothering me because it did not match how I’ve felt about what I was hearing. Of course, I had to ignore the intrusive thoughts, but it was really hard for me to watch the whole video and I still have not watched it through. I felt like I was fighting with myself, however, when I think about it right now, I feel nothing. I know I probably should stop doing that because checking is only going to make the rumination worse, but I just wanted to see if porn could be a factor in this as I have struggled with pornography addiction as I was exposed to it around six or seven years old all the way up to now being 24.

So I'm still struggling with pornography unfortunately and it took a bad turn. In the past when I was a lot younger I've seen a lot of photoshopped porn of celebrities and didn't think anything of it. Aside from celebrities the other portion of that was wrestling themed content. I do like wrestling and enjoy watching the stories and athleticism but I also do think it can be very sexual which I don't mind. There have been times where I insert fantasies of fictional characters wrestling in revealing attire and some real wrestlers that have shown themselves doing the same and also do sex work or have done it. Then I recently escalated back to the photoshopped and animated porn of wrestlers and it made me feel terrible deep down but I just couldn't stop looking for more and more content. I don't mind the fantasies but I feel like I overdid this and I feel a lot of shame about it. Deep down I didn't like what I was seeing whatsoever but I didn't click off and stop watching like I usually did when coming across that stuff when looking for softcore content.