Lord I can't take this :(. Today my thoughts feel so real, I literally remember a few days ago I was obsessing over guys and I was literally imagining stuff and it felt so good but now my anxiety is back with full force. I feel helpless and confused just like I was initially but this time I'm 100× more helpless and confused. It feels like ive lived my whole life as a lie that I only love guys. Somebody told me my childhood crushes don't matter and what matters is what I like now. Like literally I can't tell what I like now cause they got me more confused. I don't want girls romantically or sexually but my brain is making me think of phrases and things that make me feel like I do want it. I also developed magical thinking ocd from all of this :(

I'm trying but I'm obsessing that my childhood crushes don't mean anything. Spam (the new guy that joined the group) he literally told me "well idk but as toddlers we could have just admired them" and that sent my anxiety through the roof and I'm so scared those were never crushes and are just admiration and that I'm really just ... :( Also same to you, try to stay strong girl :)

@sanzida? I’m sorry that happened to you :(. But it will be okay

@tolandkm @tolandkm Thank you :). Do you believe that we just admired them? I remember telling my mum that I'd marry them, it couldn't have been just admiration. I don't believe it was just admiration but I'm so doubtful ?

@sanzida? I don’t believe so. I had really strong feelings for a few guys and would imagine marrying them and would get really excited. Now since I overthink everything nothing brings me joy anymore lol

@tolandkm Can relate girl :(. I was so excited when I first hugged my first crush in kindergarten. I'm now literally questioning my whole life. My straight thoughts don't bring me happiness anymore :(. I can't even remember some of my fav memories with guys, the hardest thing is I dont even remember my reactions :( and I feel like I was disgusted with them :((

@sanzida? Same! But idk I feel like it’s because I overthink everything. But I still feel nervous when a guy hits on me. I never used to feel that way until those two times. But overthinking sucks

@tolandkm Omg same. Now I'm anxious around guys, even the attractive ones like it feels like I'm scared to be straight :(. I can't even stand near guys now, idk if I'm nervous or if I'm really turning :(. This never used to happen before hocd, I would be the one hitting on them sometimes but now it has completely changed :(. My heart beats faster around them now and my breathing gets very shallow too

@sanzida? Yeah same :/. What’s worse is that I really feel like I’m in denial because of those two experiences. I didn’t enjoy them at all. But I used to always flirt with guys and feel so happy when I was around a cute guy and imagine making out with them. Now I look back and I am a little freaked out by it and idk why

@tolandkm Same :((((