I’m freaking out. I have relationship ocd and for the most part felt like I was doing better but yesterday was my 21st birthday party and I was already scared of drinking cause I felt like I was going to do or say something bad while being drunk. I went kind of hard on the drinking yesterday and ended up blacking out. When I woke up my boyfriend told me what happened and he told me that I called my best friends boyfriend, my boyfriend and that absolutely triggered me. I tried to go around it and he’s like “no you said he was your boyfriend” but he told me he didn’t take it too personal. But now I’m having a mental breakdown cause why the hell would I even say that. So many questions are going through my head and I just want to cry my eyes out.

For context, I was previously diagnosed with GAD and OCD. Months ago, after a night of drinking with coworkers I experienced slight hangxiety, but I remembered most of the night. At work when I asked a coworker if I did anything weird he made a joke that really wasn’t funny. This joke caused me to doubt my memory. I think I had thought I was more sober than everyone else when in reality I was not. I remember checking on a coworker who was slumped over in the drivers seat of his car and in no state to drive and asking “you good?” The next thing I remember is that I was in the drivers seat of his car reversing out and I think I assumed that he and our other coworker were also in the car. Our other coworker stopped me and told me to pull back into the parking stall and come back inside. I remember the events both leading up to and after that all the way until I got home. However the small gap in my memory had been causing me a lot of distress, so I asked that coworker who I went to check on who was the only person that was present during the gap in my memory if I touched anyone or let anyone touch me, to which he said no definitely not. He also said that he wasn’t in the car when I was reversing out and that he vividly remembers that I was the only person in the car. When I explained to him that the joke that our other coworker said made me worry that I might’ve done something that constitutes cheating on my bf he said no that guy is just weird and says effed up stuff. I feel a lot better, because he has no reason to lie and he doesn’t seem like that type of person. However I still feel unsettled, so I plan to call my doctor’s office when they open in the next hour. I’m wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar/has any advice.

I have false memory ocd and harm ocd and I’ve really lost it this time, I read an article about a girl going missing in my city and I convinced myself I had something to do with it and don’t remember cause I had 1 drink a month ago in the pub with my gf. The girl herself commented saying she wasn’t missing and I became obsessed with checking her page to make sure she was ok, I then blocked her to stop myself getting in the spiral of checking but in a moment of panic I unblocked her and I saw that she liked a video about being blocked so now I think that was in response to me. My gf told keeps telling me I did nothing wrong that night and it’s just my ocd again and I’d remember if anyhting bad happened cause I only had one drink and that girl doesn’t know me so it’s just a coincidence that she liked a video about blocking but I worry about it all day everyday, I just can’t stop checking or trying to find a way to ‘prove’ nothing happened, the more I check the worse it gets, I’ll going to lose my gf if this keeps up, I know she’s getting tired of my ocd, pls help

I really, really need help right now. I don’t have a therapist and I can’t afford one at the moment. I think my OCD has latched onto the theme of consent, and I haven’t been able to stop spiraling for the last day. This feels like it’s either going to end badly or never end at all. A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I were really drunk. He told me he wanted to have sex. In that moment, I felt too drunk to be sure of how I felt. I told him that. He emphasized that he cared a lot about consent (he always has). One of his fears is being falsely accused. He was the one that told me that someone can be too drunk to consent a year-ish ago. My libido has been gone since starting birth control. Before that, I already had very little sex drive because of my OCD, but now it’s fully gone. I used to have a really high sex drive. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and I don’t know what happened. All I know is that we did have sex. My memory isn’t perfect, but I know I enjoyed it. I was giggling at the start, and I think that says more about that night than anything else. I woke up and made sure to tell him that I didn’t regret it. But my OCD has latched onto the idea that if there wasn’t a clear “yes,” and I can’t remember it, then it wasn’t consent. That I felt pressured to please him, which even then that would fully be on me. I know that might sound extreme, but I can’t step out of that thought loop. Last night, I managed to calm down at some point. I told myself, and even texted my boyfriend, that **it wasn’t that deep** and I didn’t know why I was freaking out so much. But today I’m back to spiraling, partly because I have no sex drive anymore. I often make myself have sex, not because anyone is forcing me or threatening me, but because I know my boyfriend feels rejected, and I’ve been in that exact place and felt rejected before. I at least try, and I usually end up enjoying it, so I think that’s okay. I know that in long-term relationships, it’s normal to have sex out of convenience, comfort, or pragmatic reasons. Still, my OCD has latched onto the idea that this isn’t full consent, even though I’ve said yes in the past, because it’s always *after* I express that I don’t really want to or that I’m unsure. Obviously, he’s not going to lose his sex drive; that’s valid. I’m trying to keep things not-tense, make him feel loved, and just act normal, but my birth control and OCD have made me feel so unlike myself. It almost feels like my OCD is saying that my sex wasn’t consensual is true, and I’m trying to fight through it. I told my boyfriend last night, and he started to freak out too, because his worst fear is that he accidentally did something without consent. He asked if I felt like I didn’t give full consent. I want to say no, that I felt fine, but my OCD has made it feel so uncertain and vivid that it feels like something bad happened. I feel scared, and I don’t want to see my boyfriend in the way my OCD is painting him. I love him. He’s so sweet, caring, and such a beautiful soul. I hate that this feels so real. There have been multiple times where I’ve had sex out of convenience or to please him, and I think that’s okay. But right now, my OCD has made it feel like I was assaulted. I even feel the urge to confess to the world that I’m a victim, and I don’t understand why that’s happening. The urge to pretend something bad did happen. It feels very real. I don’t know if this is a compulsion? If anyone can help me, I would really appreciate it. I feel so conflicted and scared, like I’m ruining my relationship, and I feel like I can’t function. Maybe what I want is validation that I have big feelings and that I’m directing my anger at myself for pushing myself, not at my boyfriend, because he’s genuinely a sweetheart and would never hurt me. My OCD insists that because he was drunk, maybe he crossed a line. I keep getting little glimpses of what I think are false memories from how hard I’m trying to remember and make sense of whatever mess is going on in my head rn. I don’t understand why I’m looping on this, and he’s trying to be super understanding even though it scares him too. I just don’t know what to do. I miss him, I’m upset at him, I love him, I keep mentally blaming him. I feel insane please help. I’m making this post, but I’m so scared someone is gonna say my OCD is right. I’m so scared someone is going to believe my bf to be a monster. I want this to be my OCD so bad and I want it to shut up