Can I talk to someone please? I'm anxious about my homosexual ocd :(

So I'm anxious cause I'm not anxious enough :(. Like ive stopped ruminating and obsessing. I've heard that not ruminating all the time means I'm gay and I'm scared. Like initially i would ruminate 24/7 but now I do it for maybe less than 10 mins or so. Im so so scared. I also don't get any happiness from my straight thoughts now. I want to be happy but I just can't be happy anymore and that makes me so much more confused and scared. I never got this specific feeling and I'm scared I'm turning ?

@sanzida? I‘m so sorry to hear that :( Actually I feel the same so you‘re not alone. Have you ever watched one of Chrissie Hodges‘ videos on YouTube? They are pretty helpful to me.

@Heleni They are helpful but I feel like I'm really questioning and that this isn't hocd, I feel like there's no point watching. I just wish I could be happy with guys. Like i feel normal cause I have no thoughts but I feel uneasy all the time :(. Nothing feels good at this point

@sanzida? I‘m sorry to hear you‘re going through that phase. It‘s so hard I know :( one of the things I learned is that the harder I try to chase a certain feeling, the more it slips away and ocd sucks me in even deeper. It’s so cruel. is there anything that you can do to distract yourself a little bit? Ocd is so f** hard but keep in mind that this will pass! There will be better times eventhough you probably won’t believe me right now! Keep fighting you‘re not alone.

@Heleni Aww thank you for the support :( ❤️❤️. I usually stitch and do art to calm myself but sometimes it doesn't work. It gets so bad when im sleeping or in bed at night, all of the feelings feel so true I get exhausted and I cry. I cry to the point where I feel dizzy. Also did you ever have this fear where you feel you like your thoughts in your dreams or when you're subconscious and sleeping? I have this fear and it has made me an insomniac

@sanzida? You’re welcome <3 Yes I know exactly what you mean:( Ocd is so exhausting, sometimes everything gets so overwhelming that I just go completely numb and feel detached from myself and everything. I find this even wore than having extreme anxiety because it makes me unable to feel anything and like I don‘t care which makes me think my thoughts are true. Yes ocd dreams suck! But that‘s actually just another nasty trick our brains like to play. Tbh I don‘t believe in that whole freudian bullsh*t about dreams and their meaning. If you‘d spend your whole day stressing about whether you‘re an elephant or not and than you dream about being one does that mean you‘re an elephant in real life? No. Not that I’m an expert or something that’s just my opinion and I thing this whole concept about seeing dreams as „signs“ or whatever is more than confusing for ocd sufferers like us :/ I know it‘s though but try to see those dreams as another way ocd trying to pull you back in the cycle. Chrissie Hodges made an IG post about that yesterday maybe that‘s helpful for you :)

@Heleni *worse ?

@Heleni Omg im so half that you relate cause I feel verry alone :(. Also I'll check Chrissie's asap so I can read the post haha. I don't believe in it either but when it comes to stuff that's sexual or romantic I start to believe them :(. Sometimes it feels good cause I get dreams of my crush and sometimes I feel worse cause of sexual Les dreams :(. I hate it so much. Now that I'm so detached and numb that it feels verry real, like it feels like I don't care anymore. I feel I'll not being ... ?.

@sanzida? Glad* (not half). And also thank you so so sooo much for all the support you're giving me (◍•∀•◍)

@sanzida? I also go through phases like that but it will pass. I felt really low last week and my therapist told me that it is really important to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and to stop trying to get rid of it. And after some time it actually got a little bit better. I‘m still struggling a lot but I‘m not as hopeless as I was last week. I think it‘s amazing that this app is giving us the opportunity to get into contact with people who experience the same things. Ocd feels so isolating sometimes :( eventhough my boyfriend and my family are really supportive, it helps a lot to talk to people who understand on a different levle. Take care!

@Heleni I'm so sorry for you. It will definitely all be good. I'm just really hopeless cause I desensitized soo much it feels real. Feels like I've recovered but I haven't in hindsight. And I do agree on how this app is providing a nice community for people like us. Im hopeless every week literally nothing I do works and it's scaring me. I'm very scared and anxious rn about getting in to a relationship with a boy cause I feel ill not like a guy romantically or sexually :((