So. This is a bit of a word vomit, but it very much feels like a revelation to me. Especially after reading many of your posts and looking through symptoms of OCD. I really don’t mind if no one reads this caffeine induced rant. It just feels good to get it out somewhere. I have already re-written this several times. I find it hard to finish most things because I edit them (even before I speak to people) over and over again. Often, I drop things all together because I lose energy that “they aren’t good enough.” Mind you, these things are important. For example people’s wedding /promo photos or design projects. I freeze up under pressure if people are watching me and it feels like I’m having an out of body experience. I have always been very fearful, yet shown impulsive behavior. I don’t send texts to my friends for days or weeks or months because I’m worried about what to say-that they won’t like me or I will say stupid things. People think I have it together on the outside until they really get to know me... which not many people do. I did a “great” job of hiding it for a while, I worked as a hairstylist for 7 years.. but I became mentally and physically exhausted. I left my job because I felt so paranoid and practically immobile. (I switched careers and I’m now a nanny for the time being while I’m working on my issues.) My partner is kind and supportive emotionally and financially, but she is constantly telling me nothing is wrong with me. Although she notices that I obsess with things. Like looking in the mirror and cutting my own hair, almost constantly. I ruin things because I obsessively prod and pull and try too hard with them, even after they “Look good,” to others. When I’m on an energy high, I can’t stop arranging or rearranging things. I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd. However I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety, ptsd and dissociative disorder. Bipolar runs in my family and I thought because of my mood swings and that I seem to have extreme highs and lows, that was a possibility too. Now, and after taking an online assessment, I’m wondering why it’s never been brought to my attention that OCD could be the source of my struggle? Especially when the main them being brought up in all of my therapy sessions is that I live in a state of panic to be perfect and it’s followed me like a cycle my whole life. I am not perfect in the least. I am extremely messy and disorganized. Often no matter how hard I try to stay focused, I get thrown off balance. I wouldn’t rule out that I have adult ADHD, except that I have obsessive thoughts that I have to very consciously work myself through. Namely, that other people will find out how bad I am or how terribly untalented. Anyway. I deal with most of my symptoms through stream of consciousness journaling, mindful meditation and getting out in the sun/nature. I also try to maintain routines and rituals. I expose myself to things a lot, as sort of tests. I make lists and lists and if I can’t finish I beat myself up, until I realize that I’m doing it and I start back at square one. Sometimes I think I am making progress and I know progress is not linear, just as emotions come in waves. Other times I wonder if some things are getting worse with age. I suppose I need to save a little money and invest in a therapist, to find out what my deal is... I’m realizing now that I have always hidden things from my therapists because I thought they would find out how bad I am. Thank you for being a safe space for getting this out. I’ve never told anyone all of this. Except for my partner but it seems too much for her so I journal as much as I can to get things out of my head. I hope you all are finding peace in your self care and by helping other people. I have to push send now because this post is becoming extremely too long. Lol. Sending Love and space of mind to all❤️