i don’t even know what i’m obsessing over at this point. like if someone asks me what thought it exactly bugging me i can’t even give u a concise answer. idk if it’s a false memory or what. but i’m just scared. im scared that i thought about letting my cat do stuff to me. that feels so disgusting to even type out. i cant even tell you whether or not i even thought about that. but my ocd is making it feel so real. i would never in a million years do that stuff with my cat and never ever have. never had the intentions to do it either. im so scared right now

"Maybe, but I don't need to know" is a good mantra. Even "maybe, but I don't need to know today" can go a long way.

it’s just freaking me out bc i NEVER gave this shit a second thought until now and now i’m just obsessing over it. i know that ur actions define u and not ur thoughts but it’s the fact that i don’t even know if i actually had that thought/desire or not. i feel like it’s such a big deal that i would know/remember for sure if i did. i never even thought twice about beastiality before because i knew that was something unimportant to me since it’s something i’m completely against and would never do. but now it’s like, essentially the only thing on my mind. im so so scared. i don’t want these thoughts and what ifs and the false memory

@zoya ACAB it’s not so much about if i am or am not into beastiality bc i know for a fact i’m not. im more concerned about my false memory

@zoya ACAB @zoya ACAB It's unsettling to not be sure about a memory, but there's not much we can do about it :( so it sounds like you have a high level of confidence that right now you don't like it, and you're questioning if you did in the past. You know that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you DID, in fact if you apply your feared situation to someone you know like a friend or a sibling, your judgement-reaction would be minimal, something like "ew gross lol". Because it would be their past, and there's no harmful behaviour they could be asked to make up for, and you know that they don't need to have always been perfect. So although this memory stuff is bothering you, you're actually quite intellectually on top of the facts of the situation. It's the disconnect between knowing about a compassionate and sensible view of this possible past, and the level of discomfort you're feeling, which is the main difficulty. I'd argue that this isn't really about whether you did or didn't do some particular thing or thought on some particular occasion. In fact, I think that, as well as having some core feelings about yourself which are very strict and harsh, your anxiety stemming from your distress at not being sure about your memory is actually making the possibility of it being what you fear feel more threatening, even though you know that's not so sensible. From my experience with zoo OCD as well as the other forms I've experienced, I can guarantee that employing some strategies to simply get your mind off of the topic and no longer trying to reconstruct the memory when you feel drawn to, can do a world of good. It sounds simplistic and also feels neglectful to do. But your main compulsions right now are mental (rumination, memory checking and taking it seriously by arguing that you know you're not into it), and while I'm not advocating for totally distracting yourself from your anxiety, I do know that quitting compulsions and letting the anxiety and urges to check your memory arrive and then pass away again, can make you feel a lot less panicked and dread-y about not being able to find the reassuring final answer you want. Once that anxiety is taken away, it no longer feeds into the OCD loop by magnifying your feelings of dread, shame and fear about the possibility of it being true. If you can practice good compulsion prevention, your feelings about the possibility that it's true should be able to line up much better with the things you do know about it (that it wouldn't define you, that it doesn't matter and that you don't need to know in order to live any part of your life). No longer arguing with it that you don't like or particularly care about beastiality sounds scary, but doing response prevention isn't going to take that away from you. You just can't use it in moments of anxiety. You'll still know it. You're suffering a lot right now but it isn't because of a problem out there in reality, it's because of this painful loop. It's in your power to short-circuit it! We can't take away your lack of clarity about your memory, but we can make it a much, much less important and scary thing.

@Scoggy yes ur absolutely right. everytime i try to reconstruct my memory and see if i can remember thinking these thoughts, i never come to a clear answer no matter how hard i try. i’ve dealt with false memory in the past and i’ve managed to get rid of some by just refusing to solve the thought or try to remember but rn my brain is making this my number one priority and i hate it.

@zoya ACAB and actually i was just thinking about it, in one of my previous false memory themes involving animals, i had this same thought but i brushed it off so easily bc i was like “that’s ridiculous i didn’t think that” but now it feels so real??!! UGHHHHHHH i hate ocd so much

@zoya ACAB You can't stop your brain from asking the question or sending you anxiety about it, but your priorities are in your control! False memory and real event themes are dealt with by refusing to solve :) Your internal alarm can't keep going off forever if you treat it like it's a child that hasn't learned yet to not interrupt. Tell it that you'll think about it later. It'll get bored. The worry won't be solved, no, but it will also feel less as if it needs to be solved.

@Scoggy thank you so much!! ur so awesome