I saw something on here about internalised homophobia yesterday and I had no idea what it was really so i looked it up and it really triggered me. Because now i just think what if it’s that instead of HOCD. But i just don’t want to be gay or do anything gay the thoughts and everything literally make me feel sick and like it constantly looking up everything all the time like I tick every box for HOCD and I never had questioned my sexuality before and I had been in love with a boy for 2 years but I’m always like. what if i wasn’t actually. i know where it all started it was when me and my boyfriend had an argument and I just thought lol like what if i was gay and then ever since then i’ve been freaking out like why would i think that and it just makes me so anxious and literally keeps me up at night trying to work out if i’m gay or not. I’ve lost all “attraction” for boys but sometimes it comes back which makes me happy but i also have no attraction or desire for girls but then my brain is just like what if you’re just lying to yourself and in denial. Like i’ve test myself all the time - like sometimes i don’t even feel anxious it just happens but it makes me so distressed and i just want it all to stop and go away. I’ve started therapy for anxiety disorder but we haven’t even got onto the hocd or brfb yet my life ha just been so fucked up ...

Sexual Orientation OCD

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

Maybe it's internalized homophobia, maybe not. My impression is that living in a broadly homophobic culture contributes to having OCD focus on sexuality. Don't get me wrong, the OCD would be there regardless, but if sexuality weren't a culturally charged subject, OCD would be less likely to attach to it. Can you spot the compulsions you described?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

my best friend is gay tho and i am very supportive of the lgbtq+ community. why do you mean spot them ?

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@louise4812 I was talking about cultural homophobia, not individual homophobic beliefs. I think it's like racism- everyone raised in a racist culture absorbs the messages the culture sends, even if they don't believe the messages to be accurate and actively work to end the stigma and discrimination. In your original post, you described some compulsions. Can you identify them?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

i’m just going to list them because it’s easier - constantly looking up about hocd or watching videos or how to know if you’re actually gay - mental compulsions like self checking to see if i’m attracted to someone or aroused - going through my memories to see if anything would prove or disprove anything - looking at photos of people and thinking would i like to kiss them - playing out scenarios in my head to see how i feel - always always always thinking about it and not being able to stop - thinking like what if i’m gay or what if i’m lying to myself or what if i’m gay and i don’t know or what if i’m in denial

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

Great! You spotted the ones that I did. That means you've got insight, at least when you're not in the middle of the distress. What impacts have you experienced from doing those behaviors so far?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

at first they make me feel anxious until i basically feel reassured or that i know it’s just the hocd and it makes me feel calmer

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

At first they calm you down. Then what happens later?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie i eventually feel anxious and i need to do them again or sometimes constantly do them the mental ones anyway

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@louise4812 Whats the impact of that pattern on your life?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

i feel like i’m not living my life as i should be

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

"should? Or as you want to be?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

want to be deffinetly

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

:) good. I'm glad you're basing your life goals on your values and desires, not someone else's opinion of the "right" way to live

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

i just want to be happy and be able to live my life again and enjoy the things i love without any distractions

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

Do you desire that enough to give up the compulsions that are preventing you from doing so, knowing that giving them up will cause discomfort for a while?

louise4812

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie yes i just want it all to stop i know the thoughts won’t but i don’t want them to affect me anymore

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