WARNING: LONG READ. Would appreciate if someone would read it though. ~ ? Y’all I am struggling today. On the outside, today has been nearly perfect. I have a wonderful daddy who just spent 1100 dollars on a new laptop & accessories for me today before I go off to school. But now I am obsessing over “needing” a new iPhone 11 now instead of just appreciating he & mama’s sacrifices for me!! Consciously, I know I am grateful, but my emotions are being CRUEL today. Also, I just got my hair done & I am obsessing over our city water turning my blonde yellow. I wanted to get a filter for our shower, but dad says a plumber will need to look at it first. AHHHHH why can’t I just be happy & grateful that life is going great? (Materialistically. Emotionally not so great because I just lost my grandfather.) Maybe it’s partially because I have not been taking my Fluoxetine & I need a refill on it. AHHHHH this word vomit isn’t even all of what I am obsessing about. UGHHHHH.

I don't usually do reassurance but I'm concerned that you've never actually heard anybody say this, so for the sake of clarity I'm going to. I hear you judging yourself for having desires and frustrations, and not feeling the emotions you think would be more appropriate. You have a desire for the iPhone and instead of accepting that that's just how you feel, you're finding a way to judge it by relating it to recieving something else. You can be grateful and have desires at the same time. The voice in your head shaming you as ungrateful/selfish etc sounds like it's been internalised from somewhere, like it's someone else's voice, maybe someone from your life or even your interpretation of the voice of society. It's called toxic shame and it goes hand in hand with a lot of forms of OCD. With your hair, you had a worry, came up with a solution and then someone else frustrated your effort. It would be normal to feel annoyed, upset and fearful of future time spent worrying/looking for another solution. Again you go right to judging yourself for feeling frustrated. You're off your antidepressants and just had a bereavement, plus dealing with leaving for school soon, but you're mad at yourself that you're not perfectly happy anyway because you have... stuff. These things (and, I suspect, the other things you haven't mentioned) all seem to come back to a self image that you're selfish/spoiled or even undeserving. Having nice things is a trigger for those beliefs and the uncomfortable feelings they generate, but isn't in of itself an indication that they're true. Personally the fact that recieving material goods hasn't cured all your concerns is an indication that you're deeper than you see yourself as. In fact, an obsession with "needing" a material good can be brains' defence mechanism against those painful emotions, if there is something potentially attainable which might make us happy, then that represents hope. It's something you can identify and go some way towards controlling, it's why people get shopping addictions, become hoarders etc. To avoid confronting pain and emptiness. You're human, we are all a little bit selfish and we all have the full range of human emotions, including desire, anger, fear and sadness. We all get happy when we get nice things. We all feel frustrated when we want something or something isn't going our way. They're all appropriate emotions, but you seem to feel that they're not. Feeling frustrated about your dad and the shower doesn't mean you're a bad person, a bad daughter, ungrateful, undeserving etc. None of your feelings make you a bad person, but you have a little voice shaming you for them. Whilst Freud might characterise that as your superego, the truth is that it's not your conscience, it's your internal belief system- it came from somewhere and it can be changed through processing. My recommended exposure would be: maybe I really am spoiled/selfish/not happy enough/undeserving etc. Consider those possibilities, and then identify the emotions it causes. Lists of emotions online can help. Once you've identified them, focus on feeling them in your body without doing compulsions. The compulsions to avoid here would be: rumination, confession, analysis, judging and exploring meanings and consequences. Stay out the head and in the body, facing and feeling the emotions until they ebb away. It can take hours if you have a backlog, but it will go away eventually. Focus on describing the sensations to yourself: where they are, are they squeezy, heavy, stabby? Keep out of the obsessing and in the body. After doing that, or even alongside it, it's probably a good idea to do some work on self compassion and being open to allowing yourself to feel sadness and "bad" emotions. Make space for feeling frustrated, annoyed etc. Your brain wants to immediately join those feelings up with shame and self-judgment, but you don't have to go along with it. You can feel those in your body too instead. Read online about self compassion, watch some YouTube videos. Work on noticing and changing the way you speak to yourself- you don't have to begin with self love, only with self tolerance.

So sorry for the late response, but thank you immensely!! This means so much. ❤️ @Scoggy