I am insecure. Verrrry insecure. And in terms of my PHYSICAL insecurities, it’s so bittersweet to me that I can get rid of them. Because whilst I’d be way more confident and happy, I’m also scared that I’d believe I’m the prettiest person ever. Which is obviously irrational and untrue. But... I don’t want to think that! I never want to be a narcissist. And ‘Narcissist OCD’ / fear of being one is currently my worst theme. So I just don’t know what to do. I look at girls who I believe are better than me, and they’re all so pretty, but often quite shallow / mean. And I know that sounds quite rude, but it’s something a lot of my friends think about them. For me, even though I am incredibly self conscious of how I come across to people and will probably forever be insecure of that, I do think I have a faaaairly decent personality! Sometimes atleast. So I guess what makes me anxious is the thought of losing weight (which is my biggest physical insecurity) and then becoming ‘prettier’. Because then I would be on the same page as the other girls I was just talking about. However, I worry I’ll think I’m BETTER than them, because I’ll also have the advantage of my semi-decent personality. I know this sounds so silly and stupid and maybe a little conceited (which worries me!). But I just feel stuck. I don’t like going out because I’m so insecure. But losing this insecurity could make me feel superior and I don’t want that at all. So what am I meant to do? Just to note, I know my confidence shouldn’t entirely be based around how I look... but it just is. That’s something I can’t change. I genuinely believe I need to lose weight in order to lose this insecurity.

Thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability!! Obviously this is OCD at its finest. The way it convinces us to just follow what it says is so hard to resist! There is a subset of OCD I recently discovered called “Transformation OCD”, which is the fear of transforming into something else. I think this kind of OCD likes to convince us that we’ll get what we want (or don’t want, it just depends), but at a cost (i.e. “you’ll turn into X”). Just know that you’re not alone with these thoughts! Even if you did have feelings of superiority, you also have a set of values that guide how you want to be!

Sure, maybe at some point you will genuinely have thoughts that you're a better person than them because of being attractive but not mean. Makes sense, feeling smug at times is part of the human condition, not some kind of mortal sin. So is you judging these girls without knowing them as whole people, simultaneously idealising and devaluing them, just like your friends are also doing. I think there is a difference between having a conceited or judgmental or mean or self-adulating thought or opinion, and having a serious personality disorder. Idk, you're mistakenly assuming that losing weight would magically alleviate all your feelings of anxiety and shame and turn you into a different person. You want to have an asset which these girls have, but are scared of it at the same time. Seems far more likely to me that losing weight would result in you just spending more time checking your mind for potentially "immoral" thoughts and judging yourself for them, rather than ending in you becoming Hitler-esque and losing any sense of morality and conscience. It's like you think losing weight is going to give you self esteem even though the moment you have a positive thought about yourself, you trample all over it, and aren't doing ERP treatment that changes the trampling behaviour. :( I've been both obese and anorexic and I can assure you that there was no difference in my self esteem to speak of, focusing on looks is a total red herring. It's normal to want to feel worthy, but changing how you look in an attempt to make yourself good enough isn't *actually* going to make you feel worthy and get more confident. Sounds like for you ultimately the idea of developing any self esteem is a threat, due to it being so shame-triggering. That's where you're really stuck. But it's not actually a choice here between either a life of shame&misery or one of concern-free confidence. Recovering from OCD doesn't switch off your conscience. The world isn't split into doormats and narcissists. Nobody is superior to anybody else. Nobody. Try to work on self compassion instead of self esteem. Self compassion is tolerance of and kindness towards yourself in all situations, it isn't dependent on being good enough, attractive, getting things right, being loved or noticed and not judged by others etc.