30' of ERP today, the scenario was not able to make me feel anxious, just a little sad. It was me recording a script about how being with my partner will make me feel guilty and ashamed, how being together will be a bad experience and how we'll eventually break up because of this. It's like the repetition of these thoughts makes me numb. During exposure, I also see that my mind is coming up with realistic responses instead, such as "If you do indeed cry, it's not a big deal like you've made it in the past, so it's fine." or "If he's looking fat to you, then alright you don't like him physically as much as you could possibly like someone who is fit, but so what?" I'm unsure if this is just my brain healing, since it feels calm and logical, or a sneaky way of reassurance?

When they arise spontaneously, sometimes I get anxious. It's like autopilot after all these years, since ROCD for me started when honeymoon period of the relationship ended, I just didn't know what my problem was so to speak. It is my first serious relationship ever, and honestly ROCD is also kind of a blessing in disguise, since it is forcing me to learn what a real relationship is like, and not just like in the movies or books. Anyway back to what you asked, sometimes when I'm with my partner and I get a thought about his appearance, or a behavior he does, I can get guilty feelings right away, I haven't seen him in a bit but last time I did I did get some thoughts like that and I tried to exaggerate them in my head, in a way mocking them. In example, "is he looking unattractive to you right now? Sure, I find him unattractive right now" and then I move on. I think that for me a big part of ROCD is linked to unrealistic expectations from myself regarding the relationship.

@little rabbit The fact that you can move on shows a lot of growth. Can you say more about the unrealistic expectations?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes, my ROCD started when, for the first time after 2 or so years, I started noticing flaws in my partner's appearance. Something about his hair one day, his t shirt the next one, then his face shape, the moment I saw something that I judged in a negative way I felt extreme discomfort and didn't know how to deal with that. At the time I cried a lot and felt heavy guilt, as if merely doing so was a cardinal sin against my partner. I felt that I was mean to observe these things, that it meant something horrible ("I found him perfect until now! Why am I seeing flaws now?!") and even though he and my mother both told me it's natural to observe these things, it didn't really help me feel better.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Then I felt bad for even caring to have friends online of the opposite gender, feeling that by just talking to them and giving them my time I was cheating ("My partner doesn't even have any female friends, so I must be the flirt for liking to joke and chat with male people" types of thoughts, and Jesus this still attacks me to remember it), or for wanting different things than my partner for my life, such as how much socialization etc.

@little rabbit It sounds like your OCD believes that relationships should be perfect. Ironically, it's definition of perfect would be a pretty unhealthy relationship

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Indeed, I have long held these beliefs that tortured me, as I tried hard to be different than how I was, thinking I should behave in some other way in order to be "a good partner". Right now I am focusing on getting my expectations realistic and putting my mental health and general self love first, and facing the fears of ending up alone with my ERP and general ROCD approach. By the way thank you so much for responding to my posts, I look forward to reading what you have to say when I see the notification! Very helpful.