Hello everyone! (Existential Obsessions) I have struggled with anxiety since I was a young boy. I remember worrying when I was younger that I was inadvertently trying to harm my mother, even though I love my mother more than anyone in the world. It’s shifted more times than I can count, from worrying about poisoning or contamination to thinking that I had heart disease. It’s all the same animal just shape shifting into whatever I fear most at the given time. Currently, (trigger warning) I am constantly obsessed with the fear of developing some sort of delusion or schizophrenia. I am 25 years old (I know that it would’ve probably developed by now) and have no schizophrenia in my gene pool. But I am constantly checking my thoughts to see if they sound delusional or if I am hallucinating my reality. This of course if extremely frustrating for someone with OCD because there is never going to be any definitive proof that I am not going mad. It has caused me extreme discomfort over the past few months and has brought me to extreme states of panic. I was wondering if any of you deal with existential OCD or fears of losing touch with reality. Of course, some days this seems laughable and others I can almost taste the insanity. On paper, everything in my life is going amazingly but in truth I can’t seem to enjoy any of it because I have these nightmarish intrusions of everything falling apart around me. Is this a common symptom? P.S I already run a few miles a day, meditate, do yoga and am working on strengthening my CBT. Any other suggestions?

Don’t see many people with existential OCD posting on here. I have bad existential (am I real, are the people around me real, am I in some kind of Truman show/matrix world etc.). With existential I think reassurance from other people is basically impossible because we understand that you can never know if the world is real, and I think that’s why doing something even like posting on this forum for support can feel unhelpful and meaningless. But maybe that can be a good exposure for us, like by allowing this forum to mean something we will fight against our OCD? Idk just a thought. Also these thoughts are just so scary that talking to people about them can seem very scary. Like how do you tell somebody you think they might not be real? I avoided talking to anybody about this for years until recently because I thought I was going crazy (I have some schiz-ocd as well) after this thought came to me after an LSD trip. Wondering if anybody relates to this, and maybe we can get some more existential posts in this forum as I think it’s under-talked about, and it’s something that probably will get worse as a society with all the dystopian tech themes in movies and stuff. Also how have you been doing ERP exposures? I’m just starting

Hi all , please comment if you’re experiencing what I’m about to share . I am going through a very tough time with existential fears & very frightening thoughts to a point where the thought of myself sends me into a spiral. I ask myself “am I even existing right now as I’m typing this” “ how do I know that I’m not already dead or in a purgatory “how do I confirm that I even exist” what if I’ve already died and this is what death feels like “ nothing & no one around me feels real , I look at my kids & my husband & question their existence. I’ve also been suffering from severe depersonalisation/derealisation & I don’t know which one is triggering the other ! I also suffer from harm ocd where I’m forever worrying that I might lose control & harm my family whom I love to bits & I’m always battling the nightmare inside me that makes me believe that I’ve already hurt them but I just don’t know it … I’m on lexapro & have been for two years but I find that all it does is numb my emotions, I can’t cry & at times worry that if sharpens to someone I love , I may not be able to cry or show emotions . I am convinced that I’ve developed schizophrenia 🥲🥲 which has always been my worst fear! Or that I’ve gone psychotic without realising . I cannot see myself out of this hole & my brain had forgotten what being a normal person once felt like 🥲🥲. I was seeing a psychologist and he did ERP with me but sadly that did Not help so I stopped seeing him altogether & lost faith in therapy altogether ! Sorry this is a very long post but I just want to know that someone out there is experiencing the same symptoms and has gotten over it through ERP or other medication ? Because I feel like I’m the only one suffering from this debilitating illness and there’s no way out!

Before I was diagnosed with OCD I was certain I was loosing my mind. I convinced myself that I was schizoprenic or going slipping into pyschosis at any moment. It all started one day at work after having a few drinks the night before and chugging one of the most amazing tasting coffees of my life. I had my first panic attack. The best way I can describe it felt like my soul was leaving my body (I became really, really light headed). It was horrifying. This spiraled out of control with more and more panic attacks. I started having intrusive thoughts/what seemed like an intrusive urge to do ridiculous stuff. For example, I remember being in a spiritual development class one day and I had this intrusive urge/thought to smash all of the beautiful crystals. Something i'd never do obviously but the thought horrified me. Since, my OCD theme has jumped around a bit to so many ridiculous things. I had harm OCD for a while where I would see images in my head of stabbing someone or pouring boiling water on them. As ridiculous and silly as it sounds to an outsider, I can not even began to describe the grief and horror this created in my soul. I then had repetitive intrusive thoughts "schizophrenic" and "demon" over and over again gosh probably thousands of times a day. Again, certain I was crazy. I tried CBT which actually made it worse. I was terrified to speak to anyone about what was TRULY going on with me because I was certain i'd end up bakeracted and as a single parent I knew that couldn't happen. Plus I knew at heart I was not schizophrenic it just spiraled into this massive fear. It plagued my life every day for years until I FINALLY talked to another person that has OCD & send me an article about OCD where I began my research into leading to an eventual diagnosis. My compulsions were more mental acts like searching mental illness on Google for hours, avoiding triggers, and saying internal prayers or asking the universe to give me signs i'm not losing it in addition to nervous movements like fixing my hair or putting my hands near my face. I am still healing from OCD and the terror that its' caused in my past but i've learned to love myself and know that I am worth it (having mental health issues has always made me feel like it's my biggest flaw) and it's so beyond my control & despite my issues, i'm still pretty awesome! WE ARE ALL A LITTLE INSANE ANYHOW ARENT WE? Lol. Seriously, it's been an absolute game changer. I still have intrusive thoughts from time to time that create some anxiety but it's decreased so drastically. Most of the time I don't pay them any mind or it's tolerable. I am so beyond grateful for NOCD and understanding everything I can about OCD. My life will never be the same since that day but its still pretty damn good! I just want to add a couple other symptoms I experienced was dreaded fear I was going to start hallucinating at any moment. I'd question if I was really seeing/hearing things or if I was hallucinating, and constantly checking my mental state. Too happy? OMG I'm manic and that's going to cause pyshcosis. Too sad? Vice versa.. I hope this helps! Do the triggers, accept the uncertainly, accept your fear and get your life back.