It used to be so much better, I was only depressed back then but I could handle it. Now I doubt every single action I do, everything I say, every single thing I look at somehow manages to trigger me and makes me doubt myself on the most basic level. I'm not even officially diagnosed so on a really bad day it'll feel like hell because I can't even comfort myself by saying it's the hocd. I will admit things are somewhat okay now. At least better than when it started but here I am 6 months later and I still can't go to sleep, I still can't watch a movie without overthinking at some point. I can't notice a cute girl without feeling like I'm lying to myself. I can't read or listen to music without being scared it'll suddenly turn me gay(it's ridiculous I know but I can't seem to get that for some reason). It still hurts and it makes me feel so much weaker and pathetic than I ever used to feel and the worst part is I can never tell if I even have hocd or not so it's ten times harder to accept uncertainty about who I am if I can't even be certain if I have the disorder or not. I find myself in tears and apologizing for no reason(I don't even know what I'm apologizing for) now and begging God to make things the way they used to be, when it was just depression. Not ocd, anxiety, severe sadness and pain and extreme self-loathing because I can't stop thinking all the time. It feels like a freight train running through the middle of my head 24 hours a day. Thoughts and feeling that never seem to stop....ever. I feel like I'm in a prison in my own head and I can't get out. It's crazy but I feel like it's almost malicious, like this disorder is an evil entity that's constantly seeking to hurt me. To anyone reading I apologize for my rambling but i have nowhere else to go and the loneliness is killing me. If I triggered anyone I sincerely apologize but I just needed to vent. I don't know if this counts as asking for reassurance but it gets better right? Please tell me it gets better.

Sexual Orientation OCD

ｆｅｎｎａ

Date posted: 5y

If you work for it. I feel you dude. Been there. I've gotten a lot better but the thoughts still come up.

Johnny 99

Date posted: 5y

I'm trying man, but dammit I can be almost hurtful sometimes, like it's another person constantly kicking my ass but I'm not giving up or anything, I just needed to vent. I am gonna work on getting better, thank you and everyone else who commented, I actually do feel a bit better now.

lms2000

Date posted: 5y

it does get better. sometimes simply with time, the seasons where it’s really acutely bad will fade into seasons where it’s not as terrible. but ultimately getting a diagnosis and seeking treatment is what causes it to get better. you are not alone and you won’t feel like this forever ?

Johnny 99

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for the words of encouragement, sadly though an official diagnosis is not very possible where I'm from because I live in an incredibly homophobic country, so if I tell the wrong psychiatrist I'm pretty much gonna go to jail at best. I'm still gonna try to get better and do what I can until I can get professional help. Thank you

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