tw: abuse, coercion, suicide mention .. .. i’m sorry this is going to be incredibly long because maybe writing this out will kind of help. very confused...i’m 22 and i’ve never had a crush on another girl. growing up it felt pretty natural that they were just my friends. i didn’t think anything of it actually. the earliest crush on a boy i had was in kindergarten. i always noticed boys and men, but never seemed to take any notice of women or other girls. if boys thought another girl in my class was pretty, or they got along better with them, i’d feel jealous of the girls. my first real crush in grade 6 was pretty embarrassing.. the whole school found out and then he personally called me ugly to my friends. i guess it was then i began to adopt a mindset that boys were just disgusted by me. my mom first told me about the lgbt community when i was 13 and distinctly remember thinking “oh i wonder what it’s like for those people.” some time soon after a classmate and i were kind of bickering back and forth. he called me a lesbian as an insult (like equivalent to ‘idiot’ or ‘stupid’ - which of course was wrong). i guess that comment kind of triggered this whole thing. i started experiencing anxiety (i didn’t know it was anxiety at the time) being exposed to rainbows, hearing lgbt stories, if my eyes lingered anywhere too long, being around lgbt people, eye contact, etc. i think grade 9 was when i discovered porn. (i feel uncomfortable writing this ??‍♀️??‍♀️) straight porn did arouse me but lesbian porn seemed to a lot more. i was convinced that it meant something about my sexuality. my obsessional thinking grew into me asking my mom for reassurance. that’s when the checking happened constantly. i compared my own reactions to different scenarios, purposefully looked at women to analyze what i felt, avoided watching certain tv shows. i was paranoid of people thinking i was bi or a lesbian. i thought i was insane. i was hyper-aware of everything: other people’s reactions, my groin, my thoughts and emotions. my mom had to talk me through a few crying meltdowns because everything felt wrong. i felt crazy and homophobic and not myself. during this time i was in my 2nd relationship and it was abusive. he threatened to kill himself if i didn’t have sex with him, shamed me every day and used anger to scare me often. i think it affected how i viewed sex greatly. my next relationship after him was healthier. he had a higher sex drive than me, but he truly cared about me. my ocd (again, i had no idea it was ocd at the time) seemed to attack it. the hocd got triggered badly again after seeing a woman in a particularly sexualized way during a movie. i began constantly researching and googling at a ridiculous rate. we were in bed together when i read a forum comment that porn preference indicates sexuality. i started crying and he couldn’t seem to understand my pain - but i didn’t either. i began thinking that every relationship or any feeling i’ve had towards men were fake. i was truly convinced that i was just faking it and living in complete denial of my sexuality. i even came out to my mom that i was bi after a spiral. she accepted it wholeheartedly. the coming out didn’t bother me at all. i wasn’t scared in the slightest - but i didn’t feel relief after telling her. i was still anxious and still asking “what if.” after that, i was in another relationship with a man, and after that i had three intense relationships with men over the course of 4 years, but my super low confidence interfered with them progressing (despite how much i wanted to date them). now i’m in the healthiest relationship i’ve ever been in. he’s my love. i met him when his band was playing and i noticed him as soon as i walked in the building. we got talking and it lasted the whole night. after his set, we both couldn’t stop smiling. when i got home, i rushed to my best friend to tell her all about him. she said she had never seen me smile that big.. ? but this of course is when i feel ocd the most. i asked my mom constantly for reassurance (bless her soul, she’s had to deal with so many repeated conversations) the 3rd week of covid lockdown gave me a really really bad spike. i masturbated and orgasmed to lesbian porn. this is significant because i haven’t orgasmed in any of my relationships. it’s been the driving force of my ocd. so needless to say, that was it for me. i didn’t eat for 3 days and i just wanted to die honestly.. i probably would have if my boyfriend didn’t come over and made me go back home to my parents.... but then i stumbled across an awaken into love video on sexual orientation ocd about a month and a half ago - which led me to learning about different ocd themes, making me realize that i’ve gone through the harm, incest, pedophilia and relationship subtypes as well. it was like my life suddenly made sense ? all of my strange behaviours and unhappy feelings suddenly had an explanation. of course my ocd has made me think that i don’t even have ocd, i’ve been lying to myself, i have to break up with my boyfriend, etc. i feel exhausted. i’m sure to anyone reading this, it could very well seem that i’m bi - there’s quite a bit of evidence. i’ll just accept the fact at this point. i don’t want to date girls, but it seems that it’s what life wants me to do . will keep on therapy and on meds there. got it all out ❤️