Anyone else kinda fallen out with a best friend before? Idk I’m feeling a lot of guilt over how things went with my ex bestfriend. It’s been like a year now and we’re not enemies, but it’s still weird. I’m just worried I hurt her. And I’m worried she thinks I’m a bitch... because I know I’ve changed a lot since then. We used to have quite a gossipy friendship where we’d just talk about others a lot. She knew a side to me that’s (hopefully) died now. I just wish she could know that. I don’t wanna talk to her about it though; it’d be too random. We were really close, but maybe not BEST friends since we both have other best friends. But then I got closer to two other girls and it just got weirder. She started to irritate me and I just didn’t wanna be close to her anymore. I should’ve dealt with it better though. She’s got a solid group now and I’m happy for her! I just keep thinking about the whole thing and getting anxious.

Off*

I hope not :((

Do you think I was a narcissist then for that????

@garden It's just your usual theme, if I'm remembering correctly

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Hahah yes you are. I’m worried you’re right though about that meaning I was once a narcissist

@garden That's not a question I can answer for you. Not is it even one that needs an answer

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I just find it so hard to accept uncertainty with this fear in particular

@garden That's how OCD works. It gets us tied up in knots over a very specific thing. One time I was super worried I was going to turn into a vampire. It was horrible

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I bet! This theme has been with my for the most part of a year now. It feels like a part of me. And getting over it feels like betrayal

@garden Betrayal of who?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Myself? Idk. This theme made me a better person I think

@garden Really? How?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I feel like prior to it I was less self aware. Obviously I wasn’t evil; I still cried in movies or felt guilty if I fought with my mum. But I know i has some nasty traits. And I’ve beat myself up so much over them now that I feel better. Like I need to do this ya know? But it also makes me so unhappy.

@garden I'm struggling to find the words I want to say. Have you watched The Good Place?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes I have!

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Not all of it though. I think just 1 or 2 seasons

@garden Think about Chidi.... He tied himself in knots about how to be the best person. He thought more about how to be good than anyone else. He made himself feel terrible. And in the end, his OCD hurt people. Even though it was all about how to be good. I disagree with the premise that someone's life can be summed up the way the show says. I don't think there's such thing as a good or a bad person. I'm not saying you're good or you're bad. All I'm trying to say is, question the belief that beating yourself up about your faults improves them. Making somebody feel awful is rarely am effective strategy for making them act better. That applies to ourselves too.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie That’s honestly all very true. Thanks for the analogy too :) I’ve always know I should probably drive myself forwards with love instead of hate if I wanna be a better version of myself. I guess it’s just hard when I value guilt and shame to prove my fears wrong? But we can already see where that has gotten me lmao. I just feel like it pays for my ‘sins’ if I’m unkind to myself

@garden You mean you think it pays for your sins, and beating yourself up relieves some of your guilt. You can choose not to believe that thought and not to seek temporary relief at the cost of perpetuating your pain.

@NOCD Advocate - Katie So what about when I have unkind thoughts?

@garden "oh, look, a thought. Moving on"

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Moving on with my values?

@garden With whatever normal activity you were doing

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I just feel like my thoughts (not intrusive ones. The ones that are MINE) define me in some way. I hate them

@garden Do you apply that same logic to other people? Or to good thoughts?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Nope! Just bad ones. I guess research about people with personality disorders or sociopathy etc has made me very aware of any overlaps I could have. And if they think ‘xyz’ I gotta check if I do. And if I do... then I’ll spiral! Whereas good thoughts are the opposite. They bring me joy and comfort and reassurance. They redeem me in some way.

@garden Food for thought https://www.instagram.com/p/B-ZpLeQjtQz/?igshid=1axgaj1kb7bf2

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thank you for that. It was really insightful. I know that if I was in a similar situation, I’d be the same as the guy actually. If my intentions are pure, I’m okay. But it goes beyond that. Actions matter too and I gotta start to believe that more.