I need some support and advice because I don’t have many friends left these days, and when I open up to my friend she can’t emotionally handle it and doesn’t want me to become codependent she says. I am in therapy now on BetterHelp because it’s all I can afford but I also need some further support as I’m going through a hard time. I’ve had ocd since I was 14 and had help for it. I obsess about the past a lot and try to decipher it and think of worst case scenarios. I do things like check porn sites for myself in fear of someone secretly recording me and ruining my reputation. Now I am obsessing about times I was blacked out drunk (not my best moments) Long story short I blacked out on a tour in London and woke up on the floor of a little girls room to some guy trying to do things with me. Then another guy tried to mess with me by saying “we all gang banged you last night” and other things. When I started really panicking and crying one other guy said “ok stop messing with her” but it could’ve been about other things and not about gang banging me. Even if he was joking, I cling to those words and 3 years later I am here obsessing over it. My therapist says I am delayed processing trauma and it’s not clear what happened and is trying to get me to move forward. I always try to seek reassurance. I know guys can be assholes but it’s just disturbing how people can mess with a girl like that who doesn’t remember the night before. I think I woke up with my clothes on but the one guy was no clothes and just trying to do things and I was still drunk the next morning, how creepy. Anyway now I’m terrified of going back to London I’ve developed some sort of agoraphobia. Since I was drunk into the next day the whole experience was blurry. When I try to move on from all these experiences (I have a few black out drunk crazy nights) I always panic and say no I have to be worried about this I’m too calm I’m doing myself an injustice. I feed off of other people’s reactions if I tell them I guess as reassurance. The guy could’ve been joking but it’s still highly disturbing to me thinking of the worst case scenario of a group of men taking advantage of me while blacked out. How do I just sit with uncertainty and move on? I actually had the one guys Instagram that I blocked and I unblocked him recently to send a message confronting him and saying if y’all are rapists god will punish u and if not ur sick bastards for messing with me like that. And I made some online London police report submission that didn’t come of anything because I don’t have any proof of anything. I guess it was my way to get closure. Blacking out is the worst thing for OCD and I have since cut down on drinking. But when I’m anxious and obsessing like this I get paralyzed and it affects my working, concentration, and quality of life.

I am in therapy now on the BetterHelp app with someone who is trained in ptsd but not necessarily OCD, although she is addressing that part of me well. I am not able to afford my expensive OCD specialist anymore and my job is uncertain due to the pandemic. I’m having a hard time with this ocd and ptsd mix. It’s hard to process this because I feel anger and I don’t have closure. When people react like this by saying I’m so sorry this happened to you, I get anxious because by moving on with my life I feel like I am doing myself an injustice and I need to panic and worry about this situation. There may not be anything to worry about but the uncertainty of everything is killing me. And I’m also disturbed by how some people are capable of scaring a person and messing with them like that. From my foggy memory I don’t think he was serious but since I completely completely blacked out the answer is never clear. I am currently working from home and sitting at home in my thoughts is really torture and I tend to get distracted and paralyzed from being productive. Any tips?

@Anxiousgirl I appreciate you being able to verbalize that hearing "I'm sorry that happened" doesn't help you, and being assertive enough to give us that feedback. What kind of support IS helpful to you? You're under a lot of additional stress at the moment, as are many other people. You're not alone in struggling with more rumination because of being at home all the time. Does the thoughts and rumination mostly happen while you're working, or when you're at home but not working?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I am always triggered, but I find that when I have to concentrate on something and do my responsibilities it’s worse. I feel useless, and it’s a shame because I am smart and a good worker, but I let my thoughts paralyze me. I can’t work to my full potential. My therapist says this time of year is also triggering because I was in London around this date (July 8) so subconsciously I remember. Also I looked on my blocked list on Instagram and the guy I woke up to was there. He liked me and added me on social media and I blocked him a day later because I ended up getting angry and didn’t want anything to do with those guys. So I unblocked him last week and sent a message but never got one back. The suspense and wait was killing me with anxiety so I blocked him and hope one day he gets my message. So I found his friend who follows him and sent him my message that I wanted the guy to see and that second guy blocked me. So seeking reassurance did not help me it made it worse. I don’t even know anymore what kind of support is helpful for me because my ocd just seeks reassurance. I was on medication 3 years ago when this happened and was very busy so I’m not processing it until now, although the next day I did have a breakdown and talk with my therapist at the time. She seemed to blame my ocd. It’s hard for me to sit with uncertainty. I feel angry and I keep getting the urge to reach out to the guy for answers, or asking other people what they think of this situation. I know I have to stop and let it go but it’s hard. If I am not thinking about London I am thinking about my other obsessions. I have pure o and that real event ocd now, which started as HOCD when I was 14. I am in so much pain and don’t know how I’m gonna hold a job with this OCD and trauma.

@Anxiousgirl Feeling angry is ok. Feeling uncertain is ok. Responding to those emotions by seeking reassurance is hurting you though, as you've figured out. Perhaps you can identify a time you felt angry or uncertain and didn't seek reassurance. If you can, think back and remember what you did instead. Maybe you can try that again. You're going to need to develop adaptive coping skills for handling emotions. Trying to eliminate an unhealthy coping skills (reassurance) without replacing it with a healthy one is an uphill battle that you're unlikely to win

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I guess I wanted to not seem weak and wanted to confront the guy. I feel weak now because I didn’t wait for a response I got scared and blocked him again. Waiting for a response was too anxiety provoking. There’s my usual paralyzing anxiety but this made me shake and not function at all. I feel vengeful and angry and I don’t like people messing with me like that. I felt like by messaging them I was confronting my fears and trauma. I didn’t want to feel afraid to go to London again if I were to go on vacation. Because now the memory these men have of me is a scared emotional drunk girl. Also my porn checking compulsion gets triggered with this. All types of stories run through my head and I wonder “what if they did gang bang me and tape it and I’m on a porn site?” I can’t think of another situation where I didn’t get reassurance or closure because I can’t compare it to this. It’s just a different type of situation. Do you have any suggestions for replacing my unhealthy coping skills?

@Anxiousgirl One strategy my therapist taught me to use is a "no send letter". Essentially you write out everything you wish you could say, and then set the letter aside, throw it out, or rip it up

@NOCD Advocate - Katie What about when I have the urge to seek reassurance by talking to people or checking porn sites? My OCD specialist used to just have me say scripts in my head all day everyday but it’s so mentally exhausting.

@Anxiousgirl Can you engage in an activity that is incompatible with those comoulsions? Probably something that gets you away from the computer

@NOCD Advocate - Katie It’s really difficult in this pandemic. I have obsessions all day long and there’s nothing to do except watch Netflix. I escape with food, wine and shows. Also I work in media so my entire job working from home is on the computer. My manager acts like my older sister and whenever she calls me on zoom for work and to just catch up for the week about anything, I always get the urge to bring up London to her for her opinion. It’s crazy because I wasn’t triggered by this that much for a while and now I’m panicking thinking I let it go so easily and need to seek revenge or figure out if something happened to me.

@Anxiousgirl What room is the computer in? Maybe you can think of activities in other rooms

@NOCD Advocate - Katie It’s a laptop so I can bring it in any room. But me and my family are currently in a cramped townhouse and my dad and grandma take over the common area. I, like my coworkers, do a lot of mundane or tedious work and like to have some show on in the background. I am forced to make a bed desk for myself. I work out everyday but that only takes up an hour of my day and I am also obsessing while I’m working out. It’s just a constant thing.

@Anxiousgirl Hmm, that's a lot of barriers

It’s good for the price. I have text and video chats with my therapist. But I’m never fully satisfied and try and get different opinions or doubt the effectiveness of a therapist. With this pandemic idk if I’ll get laid off from work and then I can’t afford therapy. All the social isolation is making me go nuts. I have different things that I obsess about and I think this London thing randomly came up recently because 3 years ago I was in London around this exact date in July. The “what if” questions never stop in my head. Whenever I realize I am in a good mood I get paralyzed and think to myself no I need to be panicking about this and do something about this. I will never get closure about some things yet I keep trying to seek it and get reassurance.

@Anxiousgirl That is an incredibly difficult situation and I empathize with you. Truly. Where do you tend to get your “different opinions” from?

@smj89 I’ve had a bad habit of confessing to my mom since this ocd started at 14 (I’m 27 now) and just telling different friends. I’ve been trying not to seek reassurance but I grew up with a codependent mother who sheltered me so I didn’t develop my own individuality. I think on top of the ocd I just don’t know how to think of things for myself or how to think. As a sheltered girl I went wild in college and got myself into trouble from that but I guess you can say I sowed my wild oats. The porn checking was a recent obsession that came about because a few years ago I was drowning in debt and working 2 jobs despite being a penn state graduate, and someone told me girls are doing sugar daddy sites. I was opposed and then the way they advertised it and the way the men spoke about it they said it wasn’t prostitution. And I was 23 at the time and wouldn’t pick men over 40. Anyway, I was just used and taken to motels and a bar basement and they never took me on dates as promised. And I never got allowance to pay my debt. So years later even though there’s no proof and I have never been blackmailed, I get afraid of ending up on a porn site so I used to check for hours. If I’m not doing that I am obsessing about things like London or my past coming to haunt me. I moved to Dubai for a year to escape New York where I’m from because the sugar daddy stuff happened here and in Dubai I got into an abusive relationship. The guy turned out to be married with kids and was 43 years old not in his 30s. He would use my past against me and would say who would marry me. So now my obsessions I guess are an after effect of that relationship as well. Being back in New York I am also triggered by some sort of agoraphobia because of memories but I’m here and fighting. I also think I’m unlovable because of my past. I barely tried the sugar baby site but I still feel like a bad person.

@Anxiousgirl Well I absolutely suggest continuing therapy and discussing all of these things during those sessions. The only thing I will say is that people are unbelievably capable and resilient, and your being here is proof that you are no exception.

@smj89 Yeah I’ve been talking about this in therapy. And thank you for not giving me any reassurance. I think I always try to get it on this forum, and that’s why I’ve gone off of it a few times.

@Anxiousgirl Understandable. We are so desperate for any kind of relief. We really need to kick into another gear to be able to get this thing under control properly.