My pocd got triggered bc someone on twitter talked about grooming and like I just feel guilty for when I was 17 and went out with someone online who was 13 but didn’t know their age and just augh that plays back in my mind so much I hate it and I feel I don’t need this I’m at a friends and I’m trying to relax bc today Is the anniversary of my grandmothers death so I’m just augh

I’m feeling a mix of fear and sadness and numbness. I’m trying to push myself to treat myself kindly today, and trying to get myself something nice. But seeing triggering things has made it hard. I was also given advice to maybe help my grief by taking it out with art, but every time I think ot drawing grandmother I get scared? Like it hurts to do it almost. It’s been 4 years so it’s embarrassing to me that I can’t even do that yet. I know I Shouldn’t be embarrassed. It just hurts a lot.

@Mars There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Healthy and unhealthy ways, sure, but not right or wrong. Let's take out the "shoulds". Judging your experience will add to the pain. Self compassion will soothe it

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes, that’s the one thing I know I need to do but ocd makes it so hard to be compassionate. I tend to want to punish myself for past aggressions.

@Mars It is hard, and you can do hard things

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yeah, I guess I just don’t know how to go about. Ocd is tearing me apart right now and my thinking is so black and white and I know it’s irrational (for example my brain is like what if I did something to my friends little sister but I don’t know or remember?) and it’s driving me bonkers. I know there’s this acceptance with uncertainty though I’m terrified of accepting it. It’s scary to think accepting it might make things true. Even if it isn’t.

@Mars One time I was part of a support group and someone shared a really great exercise their therapist taught them. Perhaps it would help you disconnect the thought action fusion. Essentially, as you're doing actions, you say out loud that you're doing something else. For example, while putting on your hat, you say "I'm putting on my shoes". Or while smiling, say "I'm frowning". Or while writing your name, say ",I'm erasing my name". Eventually it can get funny. It teaches your brain that words (and thoughts) are disconnected from actions. You could also extend it to saying that things will happen. So, you could look out the window and say "a zebra will appear any minute" or stand totally still in front of a mirror and say "any moment I'm going to start breakdancing". Or look at an intersection with cars and say "crash! Crash! Crash!"

@NOCD Advocate - Katie I guess that helps you realize that the thoughts do not come true or that they may not be true at all? That does seem like a very good exercise and I appreciate you for telling me that. I will definitely try that.

@Mars Yes, that's the goal