Dude! I’m so pissed and upset. I went back to see when I first emailed a psychologist to help me and when I saw the date I realized what prompted me to get help. It was because I got an unsuspecting phone call at work from a girl I used to love and even though she didn’t know it was me until I sent the email and it had my name on it because she worked at a bank and I worked in insurance I knew almost instantly who was on the other line because all I felt was just a warm very happy to hear her voice again feeling but I knew I wasn’t right then and knew I needed help. But no one a year ago had room to fit me in and never got back to me which prompted me to get the self help and I just ended fucking up myself worst and it just makes me mad because if I was good I would’ve chased her I would’ve gone after her and now I’ve lost my chance and just feel depressed about it. I’m not sure if she was the one but I sure as hell would’ve liked to find out. I just had to get this out because it was in my head and I thought someone on here would understand how I’m feeling. Having HOCD, depression, anxiety, and trauma sucks and has prevented me from loving someone and has prevented me having friends. I know I’ll get better in a month or 2 but still I just needed to vent a bit.

What makes you say that you lost your chance? Maybe you can message or call her somehow and see if it’s possible to try again?

Who knows, maybe they might break up.

Well because I checked her Instagram and saw she has a new boyfriend smh. I’m also pretty sure I was the reason why she broke up with her last boyfriend because of our unexpected contact at work. I’m pretty sure she asked someone from my inner circle about me and pretty sure they told her I still cared about her because she had already knew I check her Instagram and a week after the unexpected call she posted a new photo of her and her ex and brother and had a subtle message on their that read “you can find me?” and I know it was for me but I knew I wasn’t right which is why I didn’t text her or call her. But that’s why I know I’ve lost my chance because she has someone new and I’m not sure if I she knew everything I was dealing with she would even want to deal with it I mean I think she would but why deal with that when she could be happy with a guy who isn’t me but doesn’t have issues like me and to be honest I just want her to be happy.

I hope but like I said I’m not sure she is the one but I would not mind finding out is she is since she’s by far the only chick who I’ve only been able to see myself having a kid with I mean Ive liked other girls but there was just something different about this chick to where I could and would think that about her and idk falling in love isn’t something you make happen it just does and with her it just did. I mean honestly book wise or thinking clearly she definitely wasn’t but I couldn’t shake how much I wanted to be around her and be with her and kiss her and all those things because when we dated I was a fit, healthy guy, who didn’t go out much and didn’t drink a lot and never smoked and she was the exact opposite. She liked to go out a lot and drink and smoke some weed and I was just so confused on how I can be so in love with a chick who does that because honestly that stuff made me not like her but I didn’t fall in love with her for that I fell in love with her personality and the way she was with kids and just idk I just couldn’t help myself with her because she was always so nice to me and idk I couldn’t help it. I guess I may have ROCD with her but yeah that’s sort of my story with this chick.