Ok. Here it goes. I’ve had OCD (one theme or another) my whole life. It would come and go. I have a wonderful and devoted husband and two beautiful little kids. Around my 35th birthday (6 weeks ago) I snapped. My panic and intrusive thoughts broke through the medication I had been on since I was 19. I got hot and tingly, couldn’t stop crying, felt like wretching all over the place. I called a crisis hotline and they gave me Ativan (.5mg) as well as 40mg of Prozac. The first few weeks I felt like I was winning the battle. Some days I would just be able to scoot by with 3 Ativan, other days 5 or 6. I was figuring I only needed the Ativan until the Prozac took effect. Fast forward to a week ago, my anxiety and thoughts (which would only spike at mid afternoon or evening) began as soon as I woke up. I called my psychiatrist after it became so bad I couldn’t take it. The nurse then dropped my Prozac down to 20mg and prescribed me busiprone at 10mg 2x a day. I spent a few nights at my parents’ house thinking the triggers would be less and I could clear my head. The thoughts kept coming. “You don’t love your husband, you should leave. You’re trapped. You don’t love your children. Your life is a lie.” Over and over. I’m trying to wean myself off the Ativan as I know it can be addictive. So far I haven’t taken any today. I haven’t eaten more than a piece of toast (that I have to choke down). I’m shaking and feel sick. My OCD has now morphed into harm/self harm ocd now. I had such a great conversation with my husband last night where I was honest and open about my thoughts. I cried the whole time while he held my hand and said, “I’m not going anywhere.” I felt better for about an hour or two afterwards but then it all came roaring back at 10:30 before I tried to go to bed. It’s gotten so bad I’m afraid to be around my 4.5 year old and 12 month old. My NOCD diagnostic appt isn’t until Thursday. I feel like screaming and tearing my skin off. I don’t know what to do. I love my family and would rather die than not have them. I have been googling to satisfy compulsions and texting my mom incessantly for reassurance. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Relationship OCD

sks2011

Date posted: 5y

I know this feeling. Rocd is hard to get through, especially when mixing with another theme such as harm. I think the first thing you need to stop doing while waiting for therapy is no more googling. Trust me it only makes things worse

Ultimatelyumi

Date posted: 5y

Hi!! I think that it’s great that you’re still here. One thing I’d like to point out is being careful about being open with your thoughts with your husband. Although it can be great to be transparent, it takes time to understand that the thoughts are from a mental illness. I believe that releasing all of those thoughts to him really backtracked your progress because you ended up getting reassurance and the relief (quote: “I’m not going anywhere”). Talk to your husband and tell him that statements like those could be rather replaced with “I understand. Maybe that is the case, maybe it’s not. Let’s go to bed and move on”. It’s all about accepting the thoughts, not fixing them. Also, stop texting your mom and getting reassurance. You are strong and I know that you fully know that it won’t help you in the end. ❤️ It’s okay to feel lost. at the end of the day, think of the thoughts like a big wave. the closer it gets, the scarier it feels. and when you’re actually in the water, you feel like you’re going to die and drown. but eventually the wave goes again, and you realize that it wasn’t so bad right. Much love from virginia ? Just keep swimming (:

ctmont

Date posted: 5y

I gave in and took an Ativan. Night and day difference. The thoughts are still there but much less panic inducing. I know Ativan is just a quick fix and I am still committed to my sessions here.

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