so long story short, i developed symptoms of OCD (with themes of being transgender rather than gay) after i was mentally abused by a guy i was friends with for 3+ years. i considered this guy my best friend. he would make a lot of offhand comments about me looking like a man, some i now realize were probably motivated by jealousy (he’s a transgender guy, i’m a cisgender lesbian on the “butch” side). he would always praise my looks for being boyish. i remember he used to make a lot of comments about my body hair, and how it was “cute”. my clearest memory of him messing with me was when i was in a fitting room, trying on dresses for a party i was going to later that day. i sent him pictures of me wearing them, and asked which ones he liked better. he immediately started talking about how strange it was to see me in a dress, and even got his friend in on telling me that i looked too muscular or masculine to wear it. i didn’t think much of it at the time, but i think that event really kicked this into high gear. in late february i outright asked him, “do you think i’m transgender? i like being a girl. i like using she/her pronouns. i’m insecure about these parts of my body, does this insecurity mean something?” i put all my trust in him. he told me that he thought i was a trans man in denial from “the moment we met”, and that when i came out to him as a lesbian, he “never believed i was attracted to women”. this still shakes me up to this day, though my obsessive thoughts have been getting better. i had to start going to therapy again because of this. even after all of my coping and getting better, i can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong with me. i’ve never had OCD-like symptoms before, and i’ve been tomboyish all my life. when people say my name or call me she, i tense up a bit now. it’s a stark contrast to january, when i was the most confident i ever was in my womanhood, femininity, and status as a girl who liked other girls. i’m so scared that i’ll never have my name or my pronouns back. what are your thoughts on my situation?

hey! when i recognized i was gay there was absolutely no bad feelings or any shock. it didn’t feel like i was lying or anything like that. i realized i was gay when i saw a woman i found really attractive and thought, “hey, i would pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with her.” i felt happy and kind of like, “oh, so that explains a lot.” it’s way different than finding a woman just “pretty!” (you like her outfit, makeup, face shape, etc.). my therapist told me that she’s had “gay” thoughts from time to time, and she’s a straight woman. she’s thought about other women in a sexual context (similar to a crush) but she took a step back and was like, “but would i want to have a relationship with a woman in real life? would i actually want this? could i see a future like this?” and concluded that she wouldn’t want to. even if you think about a girl sexually or romantically, if you don’t want to pursue those feelings in your actual life, then i’d say you’re not a lesbian (or bisexual). before these intrusive thoughts came into my head i was really happy with my identity, and i knew i was gay. i personally think it’s something that you kind of “know” from a young age, but maybe don’t recognize. like i can look back on being younger and realize that i was probably attracted to a few of my female classmates. when you’re really gay, it just kind of “makes sense” in your head. it’s almost like a weight is lifted off of you. there’s definitely a release. even if you’re not ecstatic or crazy happy about it, there’s still a moment of recognition that you’re able to find peace with if that makes sense. your experience sounds similar to mine, and i’m here for you. i thought i’d never get to the point where i’m at now and hey, i’m here! it takes a while to regain your trust in yourself, and it’s hard, but i really think you’ll get there. the thoughts you’re having now sound a lot like mine, (with different obsessions/contexts of course). feeling guilty or upset about the past is a big one for me. like, “why am i not as happy as i was? why can’t i feel like this again?” and that’s scary, but it’s OCD. there’s a difference between what you want in life and your intrusive thoughts, and it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. something that personally really helped me was journaling and meditation. i was super scared and skeptical at first, and worried that if i “cleared my mind”, i would “realize i was a guy.” but it didn’t! it helps and both my therapist and i have noticed its benefits and positive effects with me.