So today I have been really, really tired for some reason and I was just filled with this thought about giving up the fight and just accepting that I'm gay. I was then filled with anxiety because of this thought which is why I know it's just the OCD talking. But I've just been so tired today and been on my phone almost the entire day because I've had no energy to do anything and I just feel like giving up the fight. Is there something I can do to help me win this thought? I slept okay last night and I have exercised and ate okay. I just want to know the reason behind the lack of energy because I feel tired every day no matter how well I sleep. I know this battle against OCD is tireing but I haven't even felt so anxious lately. I've been handling my OCD quite well actually. Today I've just felt like everything is pointless.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’ve lost so much weight due to this mental illness. I sleep 18 hours a day to escape these thoughts. I grieve my old self so much. I miss crushing on men, I miss loving men, I miss dressing up nice and get compliments from men, I miss listening to music and daydream about my dream man. I miss wanting to get married and have my own kids with my dream husband. All of those things… I’ve desired them so much and I’ve daydreamed about them so much. My OCD is telling me that it’s all fake. I miss my old desire and love for men. I’m so tired of being alive. I’m so tired of seeing multiple posts where people who apparently suffered from SOOCD became their fears. I’m so tired. Cause y’all probably didn’t even have ocd in the first place idc. I will say it again, has it been someone with pocd or harm ocd and their obsessions/fears became true NONE of y’all would’ve had the same reaction. Stop normalizing soocd obsessions becoming true. It is someone’s worst nightmare. People are out here attempting because of it.

Is it possible that I’m so tired of ocd or that I’m so exhausted of it that I just feel like I don’t care about anything anymore? Or that the most important thing that I was fighting for (my relationship) since ocd started I just don’t care about it anymore and feel nothing about it. Like I completely lost myself in it, I lost my identity. But the bad thoughts are still there and because I feel so numb the thoughts feel even more real like that is my reality and this is more like a feeling than a thought. And the worst part is that I have rocd and every time I think about my bf my brain connects him to all the suffer I went through even if it’s obviously not his fault but is it possible that I really don’t love him anymore because my brain automatically connects him to something bad? I’ve started to feel this way a week ago, everything went pretty well for us before it, I didn’t have feelings or thoughts like this but from now my brain tells me that I don’t want to be with him anymore which is crazy because he was everything to me, everything I was fighting for but it feels so real. I feel so burnt out. I feel like there’s no way out of it this time and im going to feel this way forever. Please help! Is it normal to feel this way? Or I just changed so much that it became my reality?