I need some help here. I have HOCD and my brain has been telling me since the start that I am attracted to a new friend of mine( I am a female and she is a female). I know I don’t like her that way, but I just noticed her because she is sexy and very girly and also she attract a lot of man. This weekend I am going to the beach with her and some friends and I am going to sleep in the same bed with her, as we can’t afford to pay a single room. The thing is she is very confident, and let’s say self centered and she keeps joking about the fact that I am lucky that I am sleeping with her and everyone would wish for that. The thing is it triggers me a lot and I don’t know how to react and how I’m going to go through with this... She keeps saying like I’m so hot and everyone would want me,and I feel a lot of distress when she says that, sometimes I think I get jealous because she thinks she is such good looking,other times my HOCD tells me that I fancy her. I am soo scared, but I wanna beat my HOCD. Any tips?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

Hey, you are not alone:) I am going to exactly same thing. My hocd started bc of my roommate(she is female and I am). She is the worse trigger now for me, I am avoiding her. I cant look at her, bc my mind tells me"yes she is pretty, you are in love with her" it makes me so anxious and scared. I know how you are feeling. But this is just our mind not us.

Klau

Date posted: 5y

Hey Iliana, thanks for the reply. The thing is I don’t want to avoid her coz I don’t want to get trapped to my HOCD. The thing is I have other reassons that make me question my sexuality. Does your HOCD have to do only with your roommate?

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

I am glad that you can be to not avoid her I am so so scared od her.. I have other reasons too, she was just a trigger and still is the worse. And you? How old are you?

Klau

Date posted: 5y

I am 28. I have had it since I was 13, but very mild. Just thoughts and then it went away because I had crushes on guys. At first it was because of a groinal response that I got by female bikini pictures. Then when it kicked back a year ago, I was thinking that my arousal to female erotic pictures must mean smth, and also my romantic life has been bad and I have had problems orgasming with man. And in this moment my friend happened to be a new part of my life, she was a co-worker at first. And my mind latched into that thought. How anout you?

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

I am 21. I have had pure ocd before too, when I was younger at the age of than about my health and last year again. End of march it began with hocd. I have had so many crushes on guys, was so boy crazy. But somehow always me ended up beeing Hurt. I cried months over one guy and then in March i started questioning myself "am I the problem whats wrong.." and while I was watching netflix a thought of beeing lesbian crossed my mind. And then my roommate told me that she kissed her bff and the thought of kissing her crossed my mind and it all began, I was so anxious, I couldnt look at her. With corona it went worse and I got panic attacks.

Klau

Date posted: 5y

I am sorry you are going through this. Me too, I have been so boy crazy, but everyone used to treat me badly and hurt me,and during sex I have had coments like: Why are you like this? or I am not going to touch you anymore(because I had pain during sex). I felt so bad, and after my recent break up I thought to myself smth should be bad about me, it must be me. And then it kicked in. The triggers are all there even for me, watching TV, seeing coming out stories of people. I sometimes feel bad because I think I’m too old to question my sexuality and have HOCD. It scares me a lot.

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

I am sorry too. I know how you are feeling. I would rather go through some bad break up than this. I never had crush on a girl or a desire to kiss her. Never queationed my sexuality for 20years..:( and I havent had sex yet. My mind tells me thats bc I am gay. But before hocd I never thought about it that way. I just couldnt sleep with the guys who were so bad to me. there was one with whom I realy wanted but at the end he ended up we other girls. When had you your first sex? Do you think that its normal with 20 to not have sex and that it doesnt mean I am gay?

Klau

Date posted: 5y

@iliana You don’t need my reassurance. But I can say that I know why you’re asking and how you’re feeling. I didn’t have HOCD( at least not constantly) before I had sex for the first time and I was a bitt older than you. I too felt really bad about myself at that time, and I thought I was wierd. But as you can see it got worst after sex and after the heart break, because I was really focused about what sex meant to me and how it should be done, how I should act, feel etc. You see HOCD latches into every thought to give it a meaning. I have read that even straight females get aroused by sexy female pictures, and they don’t want to have sex with them, but my OCD doesn’t let me believe that. Keep strong girl!

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

Yes, my girl friend said to me last year that she want to know how it is or feels with a woman. She wanted to kidd me in club, she was drunk. I didnt want, just felt not right. She stills straight, has a boyfriend now And is happy. I dont get it how can she think something like that and doesnt be afraid. I would think that I am 100 %gay. Think that bc she hadnt ocd. Yes.. Ocd attacks everything whats important. You too!

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

I think it would be reasonable to use some i-statements here. Your friend's comments are off-putting, even without your OCD. "I feel really uncomfortable when you comment x about sleeping in the same bed. It crossed my boundaries by sexualiing our relationship. Please stop"

Klau

Date posted: 5y

Thanks for the comment. She actually knows that I have HOCD, as I have told here about my therapy and stuff, but I think she really doesn’t get it what OCD is like. And for me is a big step to do this thing that trigers my HOCD, but her comments are really inapropriate actually. What I’m scared of is that people mistake HOCD with some sexual identity crisis or smth and they don’t really get the feeling.

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Klau Her comments are inappropriate! That's why I'd leave the OCD issue out of the discussion. It'll likely just confuse her and you're less likely to get her to change her behavior if she is confused

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

@NOCD Advocate - Katie You are talking about my comments??

ocdillustrated

Date posted: 5y

@Iliana No, I mean the friends statemts about being lucky to share a bed with her, etc

Klau

Date posted: 5y

@Iliana @Illiana no girl, she is talking about my friend’s comments ? I know the comment of Katie confused me at first, but then I realised she was talking about my post

Iliana

Date posted: 5y

I just wanted to say with my comments that gay thoughts are normal for all people and dont mean you are change your sexuality, but when you have OCD you are afraid of this thoughts , and you think they mean something... :)

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