Hi guys, I'm supposed to take my first exam in a week and a bit. However, I'm not ready at all. I haven't revised properly and I know there is a great chance for me to fail it (as well as the other ones unfortunately). I really wanted to spend the following week revising and studying as much as possible (I know it shouldn't be like this but I have no other choice at the moment). But I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. The main reason for that is the intensity of the feelings of shame and guilt (and disgust towards myself) I'm currently dealing with. I keep having this thought in my head that I'm a terrible, terrible person for doing certain things. I also keep having the thought that I should be in prison or that I will go there in the close future. No matter how hard I try to acknowledge these feelings and accept them as they are, I still feel very miserable; I feel like the most disgusting, perverted person that ever existed in this world (I know I'm exaggerating but that's what it feels like). There is this immense (emotional) pain in my body that I don't know how to deal with. It makes me feel suicidal. Most of the days I keep thinking how I don't want to spend another day on this planet, and what a relief it would be to end this pain. I know I've been given such great advice so many times, which I'm really thankful for, and I should use that to try and start working with my problems by myself, but I still don't know how to do it, so that's why I'm asking for your help once again. I'm sorry for starting this post so lightly but ending in such a sad, upsetting note. Thank you for reading this.

POCD

vanitas

Date posted: 5y

i might not be good at advice, but what i will say is that you’re never alone. even when it feels like it. there is always somebody who relates to your story. though the thoughts are annoying, constant, and just diabolical, remember that we are never our thoughts. a lot of times we will not be able to handle the giant influx of horrible thoughts and think that giving up is the best option (honestly the amount of times i’ve felt that way is countless). though it may not be the same situation, i and many others struggling with ocd know the feelings of guilt and shame. i have narcissist themed ocd, and i’m contantly ruminating and feeling guilty for things i have done in the past, feeling like a horrible human being and undeserving of any love. but i am not my thoughts, and neither is anyone else. just suffering with ocd is legit enough to prove a person is strong because ocd is a living hell. it’s hard and it will take time, and there will many days where we feel as if we’re the worst person alive, but with patience the feeling will pass. like i said, ik this isn’t good advice lmao but i just wanted to say that you’re super strong and ik that you’ll pull through the thoughts!! and good luck with the exam!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words! And I'm sorry that you're struggling as well. I agree with the statement that we are not our thoughts, but in my case I'm mostly worried about certain things I've done and not necessarily my thoughts. And because of that I don't know if the feelings of great disgust for myself, and of shame, fear and guilt will ever pass because I truly believe I am an evil person but we'll see. Thank you again for your help. I really, really appreciate it!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Exams can be extremely stressful, and having intrusive thoughts can make studying hard. Question—does your school offer accommodations for mental illness? Because it’s possible you would find that helpful. I know getting extra time on assignments was very helpful for me. Also an alternative testing environment with extra time. I get a note taker too because I can get distracted in class by my thoughts or just in general cuz I also have autism and adhd. A note from my therapist was enough for my school, but it depends on the school. Lots of places accept mental illness as a disability. I’d suggest contacting the accessibility services and seeing what kind of help they can offer. You don’t have to tell them details or your ocd theme to get accommodations. Just something like “hi I’m struggling with mental illness at the moment and was wondering if accommodations might be available and how I might get them.” As for studying I’ve not found a whole lot of strategies that help me. I try to break things down into smaller tasks, study for half an hour then take a five minute break, then study another half an hour. It can also help to find interactive study methods, like making flash cards and quizzing yourself. Quizlet has games you can play when you make flashcards there. As for the guilt and shame, have you talked with your therapist about ways to manage that? The thing that helps me most with my negative emotions is doing something I like, like art.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so, so much! I really, really appreciate all your advice, it means a lot! ? Unfortunately, I think it's too late for me to ask for any help form my university as the exam is only a week away. I know they do offer help but I believe you are supposed to let them know much sooner than this. Yes, interactive study methods are very helpful for me. But no matter what method I use I still can't focus because of the intrusive thoughts. Yes, we have talked about my feelings of guilt and shame, and I was getting better at trusting that this is all OCD's game, but because new things happen every single day where I keep harming my brother by feeling certain sensations in my body and having certain thoughts in my mind and not knowing whether I like them or not but still being affectionate with him when he is with me, and sometimes having them on purpose (even though I don't want to!), making the whole situation much more disgusting than it could ever be. I'm feeling really bad at the moment and I'm getting tired of feeling like this. I'm sorry. Once again, thank you for your help and support!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Yeah I figured it was a little late for that, but I was thinking it might be helpful for future exams and assignments. Being affectionate with your brother is what ERP would recommend, even with the thoughts, it’s not a bad thing. Did your therapist suggest any strategies for coping with the guilt?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 No, she did not unfortunately. But I'll bring it up next time I see her, which is also the last time. I've decided to go for free therapy but for that I have to stop seeing my current therapist even though there is an 8 month waiting list.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue I’m gonna be honest I get a little worried at the idea of you going so long without seeing someone, just because you seem to be having such a hard time right now. I know my therapist is sometimes the only thing that keeps me afloat. Will you have access to any type of care during that waiting period?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Also will you be able to see an ocd specialist through the free therapy thing? Because it helps most to see someone who specializes in ocd.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 No, not really, the only help and support I would get would be from people on this app and an OCD forum.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Yes, I think I will be able to see an OCD specialist but I will find that out for sure in a couple of days.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Ok. I guess it does worry me the idea of you not having a support system. Please do lean on us. Does the place your working with know about your suicidal ideation? That can sometimes speed up the process some. What was the reason you decided to switch therapists, if you don’t mind me asking?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Thank you! Unfortunately, I don't think I feel comfortable enough to talk about my suicidal ideation with my work. Well, I thought I would be able to manage the financial aspect of going to therapy but I was wrong. I do have some savings and I could use that but because I live with parents they sometimes want to know how I'm managing my money. Because they are not aware of what mental health is and because they believe that therapy is a scam (they grew up in a country where people never spoke about mental health and therapy), I haven't told them that I'm seeing a therapist (and I probably never will as it's quite expensive), and if they found out that I went behind their backs and used all my savings, they would be really upset and dissapointed with me. And I only work part time so that's not an option either. That's why I've decided to give up private therapy.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Oh I meant does whoever is doing the free therapy place know about your suicidal ideation, like the one your on the waitlist for. And yeah that makes sense. It sucks that there’s so much stigma around mental health. :/

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 Oh, I'm sorry, my bad ? Yes, they do know.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Ok cool. Sorry I worded that weird haha.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@Nikki1809 That's fine, it was my fault ?

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