I dont think I deserve love. I hate myself. Want to hurt myself-- just a slap to my skin or pulling my hair. Just to ground myself, or maybe as a punishment for all the shit I've done. So much goes through my mind. Too many thoughts that I cant disprove. I truly am a monster. Fuck. Yall might try to say I'm not, but have you seen my other posts? I'm a disgusting, hurtful person. I hate myself so fucking much I hate my brain.

I feel like a monster, how can I debate thoughts that say I'd hurt my pets or loved ones? I don't deserve them at all.

(18+) I really hate myself, like I’ve always hated myself but I’ve gotten to a level where it’s really bad. Do any of you guys have those moments where you’re at work, school, or just out where there are people and think “If only these people knew the monster I am and all the stupid things I’ve done”. It’s this thinking that brings me down a lot. Like I’m always thinking of when I was sending nudes on dating apps last year and all the what ifs that come with it. I always feel horrible, there hasn’t been one minute in the past year since august of 2021 that I haven’t been obsessing and hating myself. It’s been over a year, I feel terrible. I’m about turn 20 in two weeks, this started when I was 18, these are suppose the best years of my life, but they have been the exact opposite. I know we all make mistakes and it’s about moving and learning from them, but idk. I’m just venting, there are good days and moments, but it’s all mostly bad. I really need a therapist, but sadly I don’t have the money or the insurance to afford it, but yeah, just so many regrets.

i have been getting really gross intrusive thoughts. They have caused me to feel such intense guilt. It’s gone to the point I harmed myself and believe I deserve this harm. My parents had to hide all sharp objects from me so I don’t harm myself. I also have wanted to end my life due to the intensity and discomfort and disgust and repulsion these thoughts give me. I feel since I have these intrusive thoughts I do not deserve to live. I have been to a mental health emergency room and I felt better afterwards but it was temporary relief. I have been given medication for this (sleep since the intrusive thoughts and the fact that I have these intrusive thoughts keeps me awake unable to sleep, and pills for my OCD to potentially stop the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. But I was only given them last night so they will not work for a week or so). I don’t even feel comfortable saying the theme of them because I’m terrified of people thinking I am that and am so repulsed by the fact that still exists, I would never think anything like this out of my own will. If I heard anybody say the thoughts I have out loud , I would stay away from them, and be disgusted by them for saying it. I wouldn’t even vocalize these intrusive thoughts to a therapist because they would hate me which would be completely valid and understandable. I hate me too for thinking this. I don’t deserve to live. I live in constant guilt. I never got thought like this until these theme decided to ruin my fucking whole ass life. How do I remove these thoughts and guilt. I’m only a kid and I know I have a whole life ahead of me but I don’t deserve it for having these intrusive thoughts. I’ll get intrusive thoughts like wanting to harm somebody in a graphic way (WHICH I DO NOT WANT. I wouldn’t even get in a fight with somebody. I hate harming others.) these thoughts are 100% UNWANTED. They also developed at random. I was just scrolling on tiktok as one does then I got a super random intrusive thought. I fixated on it and obsessed over it and it caused worse and worse intrusive thoughts to come because of me fixating on it. I remember I had it once before (earleir I says I’ve never had thoughts like this untill the theme, the intrusive thought i had then was still bad and something I don’t think at all, but it was an extreme one) but I was able to acknowledge it was an intrusive thought and had nothing to do with me after freaking out for about a few hours. I don’t want to live with these thoughts. I don’t deserve the gift of life. I can’t stand up from guilt. I can’t eat on my own. I’ve tried everything. They’re constantly in my head. I DONT WANT THEM THERE. I DONT THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I am seeing a therapist on Thursday. They get so specific and disgusting. My compulsion is hitting myself in the head and screaming “no that’s gross ew”. As you can tell it harms me . But I think I deserve it. I can’t take any thing anyone says to me seriously because if they heard these intrusive thoughts all the pity would disappear.