What if I just don’t wanna date a girl cause it’s not the norm?? Like I feel like me being uncomfortable and getting anxiety while touching a girls waist (for like a photo) is proof that I’m attracted to girls It just makes me so uncomfortable But I can hug a girl completely fine and feel nothing But once I touch a girls waist I freak out and not in a good way. Like I wanna cry and I’m scared I would want to date a girl But I can’t even see myself dating a girl!! And I’m scared that’s because of internalized homophobia and because it’s not the social norm and boys are naturally ingrained in my head as I can only see myself with them And I want a boyfriend but I’m scared I won’t like it cause I’m secretly a lesbian And like my head is trying to force me to become a lesbian and I’m refusing it cause I DONT WANT IT I don’t even know why I don’t want it so badly cause I wanna be with a guy and have that happily ever after (I know that can be with a girl) but I want a guy to make me feel like a princess. Since I was a little girl it was like that and now I feel this is changing what I always wanted. I feel like this is denial but I also don’t because I don’t wanna be with a girl and I’m just uncomfortable with the idea of touching a girl romantically like it gives me a wave of anxiety and I don’t think being gay should be looked down upon cause it’s not a big deal But it’s like everything I want is just trying to be changed and I’m scared I’ll never get what I want Cause I don’t wanna end up with a girl, just the thought is giving me anxiety I wanna end up with a guy, but I feel like that’s impossible cause I’m lesbian (I don’t think so tho) Ugh I wanna cry

Sexual Orientation OCD

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

I don’t know if this is reassurance because it sounds like you’re in distress but when I’m in distress I tend to first focus on the present moment and actively stop reacting to my thoughts in that moment and then once I’m grounded I actively think back to before this random questioning hit me and my anxiety goes down idk if this is a compulsion either because I do this a lot lmao but it’s been helping me a lot and I think back to when this first hit me when I was in a constant state of panic to now where I still have the thoughts and now I’m just having anxiety about them being there so it’s progress also if you constantly say I don’t want it, your thoughts will constantly make you think you do want it that’s just been my experience though. And about you “feeling this is denial” I’ve been there and I have my moments still where I have a thought like that and it freaks me out so you’re not alone. Hang in there I know we’ll get through this ?

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

Thank you! I’m doing slightly better however I did a compulsion. Dove into the web and looked at signs you were gay and one of them I was the complete opposite. Like if you think of your future with a man and feel sad, that’s how I feel with women. This is terrible I wanna cry. But I’ll get through it. I’ve beaten it three times before I can do it again!

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

@hate_ocd.123 Don’t be discouraged! I still do compulsions just this morning I did the same comparing denial vs hocd it’s really bad it only made my anxiety about it worse because even though I didn’t fit the denial category my thoughts were saying “how do you know that’s not you though” it doesn’t make any sense but that’s ocd. Ik easier said than done but when you feel panicky about this just don’t answer the thoughts even if you still have that feeling of denial or feeling you like girls ik it’s hard I still struggle with it

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

@gaby. Yeah times are harder than others Like now my mind switched from denial to internalized homophobia and I’m freaking out about that cause I don’t have anything against gay people I think it’s dumb to cause it doesn’t effect your life but I am now obsessing that I secretly do And that I just wanna be with a man and swept off my feet cause of societal norms, but then again lesbians want a woman to do that and not a man, while straight girls want a man and not a woman But then I’m scared I’m ine dneiak Ughhhh I’m over this Sorry for all the ranting haha

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

@hate_ocd.123 Lmao it’s fine I come on here to rant all the time it’s very therapeutic I find. You’ll probably see me venting my feelings either later today or tomorrow about how scared I am about my thoughts being real or still being there or some shit lmao But yeah I get that it’s hard but once you get in the habit of doing it, slowly it gets easier. The voices in your head don’t stop ofc and that’s annoying but I know with time slowly they will fade for both of us. Just remember the person you were before this happened.

val ʚĭɞ

Date posted: 5y

i feel you completely!! like i literally don’t see myself w a girl at all, i don’t see myself being romantic or doing sexual things w them. like my mind had sadly created scenarios but it makes me feel so bad because i literally don’t like them. it even appears in dreams!!! i wake up so tired and numb because of the dreams.. it’s like living hell. also this isn’t internalized homophobia!! someone w internalized homophobia would enjoy the thoughts n same sex fantasies, meanwhile we don’t!

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

That’s so true about the last part we don’t enjoy them because they aren’t us and idk about you but I’ve never questioned myself like this before because who I liked was always men and that’s that the end it just is what it is. I am sure it’s like that for both of you guys where before this happened it wasn’t even a question and now it is! It’s frustrating I get you

val ʚĭɞ

Date posted: 5y

@gaby. exactly!!! like ive always been attracted to guys both romantically n sexually, even though i experimented when i was 11-12 but that was just for curiosity!! i didnt like the idea of being with a girl at all, so it was just that one time thing but now my hocd has latched itself into it, telling me that it’s proof?? like my past doesn’t define me anymore but damn it’s annoying!!

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

@markleepleasemarryme Oh that really sucks damn but yeah ocd will literally latch onto ANYTHING for me my brain’s favorite thing to do is bring up the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’ve always been like whatever about having a boyfriend even though I’ve had crushes in the past on boys but it’s never been a priority for me so a thought I always get is “you’ve been gay this whole time that’s why you never pursued anyone” even though i literally have all the evidence pointing to me liking men for my entire life ocd doesn’t make sense

val ʚĭɞ

Date posted: 5y

@gaby. SAME!!! like ive dated but i’ve never gotten to the Boyfriend talk:( like it made me feel really bad tbh

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

@markleepleasemarryme Aw yeah it’s soo scary because it can feel real as if you like your thoughts but its anxiety and something I’ve noticed when you read into it, it gets even more scary when you just take a step back from your thoughts it feels less scary and you feel more yourself.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

@gaby. Yeah my biggest thing is that I secretly enjoy the thoughts and just don’t want them Like is not wanting the thoughts not enjoying them?? Like I just want them away And same I’ve never gotten to the bf phase but I was on and off with a guy for three years and I was so in love with him and now I finally moved on but I’m so scared I’ll never like a guy again And my mind tells me guys are gross and it makes me sad and I’m so jealous of girls that can catch feelings for guys and are attracted to them like I feel so sad that I can’t be and I don’t think lesbians would feel how we would :(

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 5y

@gaby. Also do you guys freak out when seeing a boyish looking lesbian? Like my heart is being really fast and I’m super scared that I’m attracted to her and would enjoy her holding me and I want to cry and I don’t want that :((

Gaby

Date posted: 5y

@hate_ocd.123 Idk if I’ve experienced that Bc I haven’t seen a boyish looking lesbian but for me it’s like I feel like I’m attracted to every girl no matter who it is or if a girl is pretty my anxiety escalates and I think I’m attracted to her even though before I wouldn’t think that way it’s so frustrating

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