I'm thinking that I was briefly attracted to a few men before the OCD even though I always referred to myself as homosexual and even though I know I never have to actually date them and absolutely do not want to the thought of calling myself bisexual makes me suicidal. I desperately do not want to be bisexual. I hate the implication that I like men even if I do not have to be with them. It feels so untrue to the core of me and who I am even though I enjoyed liking those guys. My soul doesn't yearn for the the way I yearn for women. I always thought that the only way I'll be happy is with a woman. I now do not call myself anything, just say I like women and don't care about anything else, but I still have to be technically homo or bi? In the long tun I still want to call myself a lesbian because it feels the most right but I also have no idea how to treat that I was momentarily attracted to a few guys,even though my attracted to them lasted only a few weeks and then I forgot about it, plus I only liked very specific looks of them and any other loom was ugly. I still love one of them but I do not think I love him in a romantic sense. Or maybe I do, since I sometimes can't stop thinking about him and talk to him in my mind. Ugh. It's tough. I just needed to get this out to release some anxiety by sitting with it and I'll go play some game now.

I get that. I think that those few guys I was attracted to may have been for the specific aspects I like about someone (long hair, glasses, nice voice) but I didnt really feel attracted to the entirety of them like I do with women. My OCD was convincing me I was straight, now that I'm bisexual. I fully relate to what are you saying. It just doesn't feel right and isn't me. I never could in my life see myself enjoying being with a man in the real world, besides the idea. Even if he was perfect I still wouldn't want all of him. I do not like male bodies and have things I have about them. Even though currently almost all of mg favourite singers are males, I don't exactly like male voices in general. The smell makes me nauseous. Personally I find typically attractive guys that a million girls lust over lowkey repulsive. I don't know why I thought about having sex with those guys and kissing them though while I haven't thought of any other guys in that way. My OCD says I'm in deep denial and that in my heart I'm bisexual, but if you would've asked me before, ever since I had feelings for attraction (but before I slipped into denial because of the homophobic environment) I would've told you women is all my soul has ever known and all it wants. And I do too feel lost. But we'll make it through.

@fenna I’m going through the same thing as a heterosexual.

@fenna Yes, we will. I wish you the best!