When I talk about HOCD on here and people try and reassure me by saying “Well, everyone’s on the spectrum,” and “Sexuality is fluid. It could change tomorrow,” I want to ball my eyes out. I don’t think people understand: I do not want a relationship of any kind with a woman. Not sexually or romantically. The idea gives me headaches (that sometimes last hours), makes me cry and makes me feel sick. It’s like saying “Oh, she feels sick around spiders but she must be in denial and secretly like them.” UGH! Guess what: I dOn’T wAnT tO tOuCh A sPiDeR. I mUsT sEcReTly LoVe ThEm AnD bE iN dEnIaL.” Jesus Christ alive! It’s the same as saying “It might be clean one day and not the next,” to someone worrying about cleanliness. Now, they’re going to start cleaning that thing more. DRIVES ME NUTS!

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I relate to this too. I don’t want anything, but my mind is made up that it’s repression. I hate hearing that I can like women and it’s okay. I don’t want to. But “evidence” begs to differ. What a sick feeling.

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

It doesn’t seem right though, does it? It’s because all sexualities are accepted whereas other OCD problems are not e.g. nobody would post a comment saying that it doesn’t matter whether a POCD sufferer is a pedophile because obviously it does matter. They also wouldn’t comment “the thing you cleaned might be dirty tomorrow,” under a post about someone with cleaning OCD. It just makes things 10x worse because it’s like someone’s confirming your thoughts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@StraightButScared I feel the same way. It’s led to a lot of tears and feelings like life has lost meaning. I don’t know if you can relate to this or not, but my mind hangs so heavily on evidence that I’m gay that sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to explain what’s happening to others without making it sound like I’m questioning. I don’t think I am, I’m just terrified

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

@wellwellwell Yes, I get you. Luckily (or not so luckily I guess), my mum has had OCD for 19 years. She’s had it in many different forms (including health OCD and cleaning OCD). It slowly developed when my sister died and it transformed into many different types over the years. In fact, she still struggles with it to this day. At first, she thought that I was admitting something to her when I wasn’t. Then she realized that I had developed OCD, just like her. I’m thankful that she understands. Do you have anyone close to you that had OCD? After all, it’s often caused from environmental factors and learned behaviors.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@StraightButScared My mom suffered from scrupulously ocd and anorexia as a child. She doesn’t talk about it much, but I know we have a history. I have 3 sisters and 3/4 of us have OCD, so I do feel understood, but I fall into that same pattern of thinking this time it’s different, no one can understand and only I know the truth, the usual pitfalls

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

@wellwellwell Ah, I see. Are they/were they HOCD sufferers or did they suffer from another branch?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@StraightButScared So my older sister has primarily cheating ocd and my younger sister deals with ROCD and scrupulosity. Do you have siblings?

val ʚĭɞ

Date posted: 5y

this... is literally what i’m going through.

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

It’s irritating. :(

luiscoro0218

Date posted: 5y

I understand you completely

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

It’s horrible, isn’t it?

luiscoro0218

Date posted: 5y

@StraightButScared Yea it is

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

No, all of my siblings died (my mum had two miscarriages and one still birth).

Lazarus85

Date posted: 5y

I know how you feel. Although it's hard to hear and those reassurance phrases about sexuality spectrum make us feel anxious, it's unfortunately part of the thruth about being human. But are you gonna spend your entire life checking for the 0.001% chance that you might ,in a possible future, become gay, I hope not. All ocd are about being really uncomfortable with uncertainty. We are always searching to be 100% sure that bad thing won't happen but it's impossible to get 100 % certainty in life. The way I approache uncertainty about sexual orientation is the one that i learned in therapy. It's about trusting your senses because they represent reality. So when my hocd is acting up i just listen to my senses and tell myself " i think i'm straight right now but there's still a very remote remote possibility that i could become gay in a far future. I don't think that it will happen but it's a possibility". So by accepting the uncertainty, I'm doing a little erp and I'm breaking the ocd cycle at the same time. All those phrases about spectrum, denial and fluidity are just unlikely possibility. It's the same as when i take my car to go places, there're remotes possibilities that i could die in a car accident, but like everyone else i accept the uncertainty and go about my day. But i know it's easier said than done. It just takes practice.

MentallyDrained

Date posted: 5y

I guess you’re right. Thank you.

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