I have all the HOCD symptoms: gronial response, mental images, intrusive thoughts, you name it. Despite this, I still feel a sense of uneasiness and uncertainty that makes me uncomfortable. Let me give you some contextual information: I have been attracted to men for longer than I can even remember (my mum once told me a story about a boy I liked I pre-school. I’d always hug him, apparently. I don’t recall this but, according to her, he was my first real crush). I also developed crushes on the same men (tall, thin, blonde and sporty) and daydreamed about the future. As forward as this sounds, I’d indulge in fantasies deemed as inappropriate (sexual, let’s say) and it always made me feel exhilarated. My whole life I always knew who I was and who I wanted to be and I wasn’t afraid of being myself even if I was bullied for it. Now, this is going to get a bit uncomfortable for some. When I was seven-years-old I was sexually assaulted by my older step sister (she’s not my step sister anymore). She’d influence me into doing inappropriate things. She also told me a lot of sexual things I shouldn’t have known at my age. At the time, I used to see a social worker and she used to ask me about all the things that happened to me. Over the years, I’ve struggled with my mental health repeatedly and I’ve been to many mental health institutions. However, every single time I’ve been to a mental health institution they’d ask me about my sexual assault and it’s long term effect. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable but I know that they believe that my issues are deep rooted and connected to that. Bearing this in mind, my HOCD started over a completely unrelated event. I was watching riverdale and I was led down on the sofa. I distinctly remember that I couldn’t focus on the plot because I was worrying about my weight and counting my calories (I’m not on a diet, I just get very upset with my weight so I like to calorie count). I was also suffering from body dysmorphia at the time and I had developed an obsession over my nose. Anyway, I had just stopped worrying about these two things so I glanced back at the screen and I accidentally caught sight of an actresses boobs. THEN MY HOCD STARTED. Let me just say: it was an accident. It honestly was. I hadn’t been admiring her nor was I pay attention to her. In fact, I was trying to estimate my daily calorie intake so I could figure out how many calories I was allowing myself for the rest of the day. I COULDN’T LET IT GO! I replayed the same scene over and over and over. I then started getting intrusive thoughts over EVERY SINGLE FEMALE (no matter what they looked like or acted like. Thin, fat, blonde hair, brown hair, black, white, Hispanic. Literally anybody). I started getting headaches that kept me up the majority of the night, I became easily agitated, I would frequently break down and cry, I would obsess over the little things e.g and I wouldn’t allow myself to find someone pretty, I would get false attraction and false memories that I would analyze for hours at a time (this false attraction and false memories would focus on SO many different people that looked and acted entirely different. For example, my obsessions would branch from Kiera Knightly to Billie Eilish to a goth girl in my media class with green hair). Specifically, I get false memories surrounding people I met for a short amount of time/haven’t seen more than once. Half the time I worry about people I haven’t even looked at properly. With regards to the girl with green hair, I recently received an intrusive thought that made me question whether I fancied her because I was happy/excited when around her. I thought “did I mistake that for butterflies?” Then I realized that I felt the exact same way around her male friend and I was probably just excited because I didn’t have many friends and I felt overjoyed when they sat next to me (because I knew that I was going to have more people to bother with). With regards to the female body, I don’t find it attractive. Shirtless muscular guys with tans, on the other hand...they make me feel good. I don’t even want to THINK about the female body or the possibility of sexual or romantic involvement ?. I still can’t let it go because I get intrusive thoughts over every female I meet. I also question past events frequently and try and figure out their meaning.