im stuck. i have hocd. it mostly got bad when i was around this one girl who is about ten years older than me. i DONT have a crush on her. however, she is super friendly and smiley and makes everyone laugh. it's impossible not to like her, if that makes sense. id consider her a sister/best friend figure. it's not in a weird way though if it sounds like it, nearly everyone else I know that's my age who knows her feels the same way, i just really admire her and wanted her to like me. i have social anxiety so i was particular worried that she and a bunch of other people hated me. when i was around her i would start to get disgusting and disturbing sexually intrusive thoughts which i dont want to go into detail about. they horrified me. at the time I didn't know i had ocd, so i thought these thoughts were me having gay thoughts, even though the thoughts were disturbing and horrible and i want to bleach my eyes every time they come into my brain. however, my mind has started to convince me that i had a crush on her, which sort of sparked my hocd but it didn't fully get bad until quarantine. but like i didn't? yeah i love her (as in i have a lot of love for her, im not in love WITH her) shes acted like a freaking therapist for me in the past but it's not romantic? i just really look up to her???? has this happened to anyone else? obviously not exact same scenario, but like a false...crush i guess?? i hope im not alone. i most definitely do not want to EVER act on these thoughts, however now they're super widespread over ALL girls. every single one. ughhhh. im losing my mind.

yeah, im in therapy. i can only do it for a few weeks though because it's super expensive so i dont really know how to help myself. i have a book though that my therapist recommended. i want to go on meds because i also have depression and anxiety but my parents dont want me to.

@caz Maybe you can ask your therapists what you can do to cope by yourself? Or exposures you can watch? Mark Freeman, Chrissie Hodges, and Ali Greymond have great videos on YouTube for support. Chrissie Hodges has a lot of videos on HOCD too.

i just dont know how to fight it. i feel like giving up? sometimes i feel like i dont care if im gay, which i hate. and im desensitized to the horrible thoughts so when i go back to them they just make me feel empty. i dont KNOW how to fight them. :(

@caz You can’t fight the thoughts, that’s the thing. You need to treat ocd. Are you in treatment right now? If not, I suggest looking at workbooks or even googling ERP on your own. It’s not easy, I know. I just spiked again yesterday, but if we want a chance at some peace, the best way is to go through ERP

@wellwellwell im in therapy, and i have a treatment workbook too. i just feel like i dont have the motivation to do anything. like i feel like theres no point. im scared that i will do erp and ill turn out that i was gay all along. what's worse is it's starting to feel like im accepting that im gay and that I'm OKAY with it. i want it to go:(

@caz Oh my god I completely relate. I just got married and stopped doing ERP bc I was like if this confirms I’m gay I will die. But not doing ERP and keeping up with my regimen has made things 100% worse. I’ve fallen back on reassurance and undid all the progress I made. Try even the easiest erp task you can, maybe just write down I think this girl is pretty or something. You’ve got to start somewhere and I know you can do it. I’ve had experiences with erotica and stuff when I was younger that makes this all so much worse, but I know you can do this! If I can, you can!

@wellwellwell thank you so much, i really appreciate the words of support. im going to keep trying, i just don't know how to not feel like giving up completely! ill try though.

@caz Please don’t give up. I’ve had it the entire time I’ve been in a relationship with my now husband and now we are married. You can do this. I can’t lie and say it’s gone, but I haven’t let it take away so many good things in my life

@wellwellwell im going to keep trying. did you ever feel like your mind was telling you what you were okay with the thoughts? and that freaked you out?

@caz Oh for sure. Even sitting here today if I don’t freak out after a random thought I’m sure that means something. It doesn’t. I know that rationally, but it’s definitely hard to see.

@wellwellwell okay, im glad im not alone. i just feel like i want to curl up in a ball and cry all the time. it's horrible. thanks for helping me out though. if you dont mind me asking, are you on meds for your ocd?

@caz I am. I’m on 80mg of Prozac and to be honest, it helps but it is not enough to stop the thoughts on its own

@wellwellwell i get you! i want to try them but dont think im allowed unfortunately :( do you ever feel like your mind is saying you want the thoughts and it scares you?

im sorry you went through the same thing but im glad im not alone. i have it around one of my friends now aswell even though i have no romantic feelings towards her :(