This is kind of pessimistic, so trigger warning for that. It’s just...endless. I am so tired of fighting the same monster for years upon years. I have good periods, but then a small trigger brings everything down. I try accepting my thoughts. I try not to think about them. I try to talk about them. I try not talking about them. It seems like nothing helps. I still can’t let go of all-consuming fear, shame and guilt over misconstrued memories and what ifs. It’s so hard. I hate it. I’m moving away from my therapist bc of university. Now I gotta deal with finding a new therapist, and I’ll probably have to fight for it. I don’t know if I have the energy to deal with than upon everything else. Anyways, fuck you to my POCD for making a living hell out of my miserable life.

POCD

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I can tell you this. You're not diminishing PTSD. This can be a traumatizing disorder. Like you said, it's like having an abuser in your head. It's okay to own that.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

Thank you

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@Jayges It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment. Is there anything I can do to help? I have POCD too ☺.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 I don’t think there is, but I appreciate the support. It’s nice to be reminded sometimes I’m not alone with these types of thoughts.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@Jayges Okay. Maybe some other time ☺.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

For me my OCD spurned a similar thought process which was partially responsible for my developing PTSD, it can shake your self image and your faith in reality. It can be genuinely traumatising. Jungians characterise traumatic and PTSD-causing situations as encounters with the incomprehensible/with evil, which we can't integrate into our worldview. The things OCD makes you feel about yourself can feel like you're seeing evil inside yourself, and that is, quite legitimately, traumatising, especially if you begin to internalise your feared possibilities because of how resisting the doubt makes it stronger. To be honest, I'm pinning a lot of hope on Elon Musk's neuralink to be able to interrupt the OCD cycle, hopefully by lowering the point at which we are able to *feel* confident in a belief to assist with stopping compulsions and making our brains better at learning from positive experience- from what I've read, these are the main deficits in the OCD-tending brain.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

Thanks for this perspective. It helps. Jungians are onto something there, and so are you. At this point I’d implant dozens of chips into my head if it would help me.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

I am so damn tired of trying so hard to be a good person only for my brain to find the slightest gray area and blow it out of proportion. I could save a thousand lives and it wouldn’t make me feel like a good person because I have impure thoughts and killed a fly once.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

It’s like having an abuser living in my head that’s constantly berating me. I don’t want to diminish PTSD, but I genuinely feel traumatized by this disorder. I’m so afraid and I feel so fragile in my moments without shame/guilt. Whenever I feel suicidal I can’t bring myself to reach out for helo because I’m terrified of people seeing me as a horrible human being and thinking that I deserve to die.

ihatemyocd

Date posted: 5y

@Jayges I understand. I have always been a very moral person with a strict set of rules to live by. I just wanted to live an ordinary, boring life. Now the idea of a future seems so impossible. It's so horrible that the brain is able to latch onto these horrible themes and then force your body to respond.

Jayges

Date posted: 5y

@ihatemyocd Yeah, me too. It’s so hard to live with OCD about morality when the additional pain of feeling like a bad person exists. I just want to be free to live my life peacefully and follow my dreams. Maybe even have a family someday. But with my OCD I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable enough to open up to anyone.

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