As my flight to see my son comes closer, ocd is trying harder and harder to get a hold of me. Ive been a having a hard time. I can't even look at pictures of my son or think of him without gettign triggered. I battle with worrying I may actually want to harm/kill him and I hate it. I feel like Ive failed as a mom, like I won't ever be able to give him the childhood he deserves. I wanna watch him grow and travel the world with him, but I often just wanna stay away to keep him safe. But then I wanna break the cycle, I promised Id give my son Id be involved and be the mom for him I didn't have. But it feels that the more I try, the more I fail. I feel like Im unworthy of him and the world. I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself that I am a beautiful woman, but none of that matters because Im trash on the inside because of these thoughts. I wanna have a normal life, with my son, and be happy with friends and family. I don't want this to be my life

Same here. Its so difficult to be around loved ones when you have these thoughts

I try to remind myself that ocd is just playing with me and I also know that ocd tricking you into thinking you may like the thoughts is stupid. Its hard to break the ocd cycle. Yes, my therapist is gonna prepare exposure excercises for when I see my son on the 6th. Im terrified, especially since Im moving back to my home state in Sept. Im excited to be with my son again without him having to go back and forth for months with his dad and I, but Im terrified of being alone with him.

@luchalysol The fact that youre truly happy to see your son says everything about how you truly feel about him :). Yeah exposures are terrifying but look at it as the first step to a better you

@Gabe1326 I know and I try to remember that. But Ive also made mistakes, similar to my mom's, and I often feel that this is my karma for those mistakes. I feel like life is trying to take my son away from me for taking him for granted sometimes. I feel so bad about it. I regret so many things. I didn't realize the underlying reasons for me to make those mistakes, but I now do, and I regret not catching myself before.

@luchalysol We all make mistakes and regret a lot of things and just because we have isnt a reason for us not to have a change for the better. Everyone in this timeline deserves happiness no matter how horrible the thoughts are or the mistakes we have made. If we are here writing about our struggles and how we can be better it just shows you want a better life

@Gabe1326 I know. And Ive tried really hard to stop judging myself and to forgive myself. Im working towards it still. But the trenches are difficult to navigate. Sometimes feels there is no end

@luchalysol As long as youre working towards it thats all that matters

@Gabe1326 Im hoping I can find happiness and peace one day. Raise my son and have a wonderful relationship with him.

@luchalysol You will :)

@Gabe1326 Thank you ?

Ive judged myself excessively since my son was born. I do realize I pressure myself a lot, and that Ive made some mistakes I find it difficult to forgive myself for. I do feel guilt and shame. I see myself among others and I feel out of place. I look at photos of my son or when I talk to him on video chat, I feel like I can't even look at him. How can I

@luchalysol I wonder if you could talk about some of your strengths as a parent

@NOCD Advocate - Katie Id say my best strength as a parent is that Im very in tune with my son's emotions. I know when he is happy and I know when something is up. I pay constant attention to him to make sure Im meeting his emotional needs. Unortunately ocd makes me think there's an ulterior motive behind that. Id say my highlight as a parent is my son telling me Im "the best mom ever." Althought with ocd its hard to believe it to be so.

@luchalysol And what is your favorite memory of spending time with your son?

@NOCD Advocate - Katie My favorite memories are playing with him and cuddling in bed or on the couch, watching his favorite show. Our trip to Italy 2yrs ago as well