Hi guys, I've got a dilemma at the moment (well, I've got lots of them but this one is currently the most triggering and upsetting), and I would like to ask for your help. I would like to apologise beforehand for any distressing details and for the post being so long. Thank you in advance for any help! Okay, here goes: my brother likes to sleep in my room (he falls asleep and then I take him in his room because I'm too scared to sleep with him in the same bed). Just a few minutes ago he asked me with he can sleep there tonight. Initially I said 'no', but after a lot of begging from him I changed my mind and said 'yes'. Well, here goes my fear. I said 'no' because I'm really, really scared that I'll want to touch him in an inappropriate way while he's asleep. (I'm really sorry! I feel disgusting foe sharing this.) While I was having the thought, I felt like I was having a moment of revelation, and by that I mean that it felt that I actually wanted to do it (to hurt my brother). I can't really describe the feeling, but it was sort of: 'This is it! This is the true me! I wouldn't mind doing it.' (Ew!) My stomach dropped and my body went in a sort of paralysis for a few seconds. It was so weird! But it truly felt like I wanted to harm him. And the worst part, it still feels like I want to. I'm really scared to let my brother sleep in my room. I really don't want him to. I really don't! But I've promised this to him for so long, and been postponing it for days. He got really upset when I said 'no', and it makes me feel really bad because I think he feels ignored. That's why I said 'yes'. I'm in the UK and it's half 9 here. My brother will want to go to bed soon. And I'm so terrified that I can't even express it in words. Something's going in my body and I can't really understand what. It's fear mixed with terror and uncertainty. But the worst thing of all is the doubt - the doubt over whether I want to act on my thoughts and harm my brother or all this being just another game of my OCD. I know I should try and use the SOS tool but I'm to anxious for that. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do from here. I really don't.

POCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

It’s clear to me that you care about your brother deeply and value his safety. Try not to ruminate too much about these feelings. Your ocd is only going to find ways to convince you it’s true, and arguing with ocd is impossible. Let the thoughts be.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you! I needed to hear that!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@corablue Your welcome! :)

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

What if you call your doubt's bluff and let him sleep in your room. Then let us know tomorrow if your fear came true. Even if it feels like a gamble to you, I know where I'm placing my bet.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your reply! I'm so disgusting and there's too much shame and fear to deal with.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@corablue The next time you post ater tonight, I'll try to remember to check-in with you about this.

Lori

Date posted: 5y

Hey!This happened with me too.When my little niece came here,she used to sleep with me in the bed,and sometimes it was just too hard,cause i was afraid i might do smth to her.But i always considered that as an ocd thought,and a game my mindd was trynna play with me.Stay calm,do smth that will help u to distract urself.?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

You can do this! We believe in you.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I'm sorry if I've shared too much. And I'm sorry if I've upset anyone with that. I really didn't mean it!

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, guys, for all your support! I really appreciate it. I'm really ashamed to say this but the more I think about what could happen, the more it feels that I would be fine with it or even would want/like it. I just feel like a creep and terrible, terrible monster right now.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I know I'm not going to hurt my brother but feeling like I want to makes me want to disappear from this world.

Lori

Date posted: 5y

I understand,but u r not alone,we r here going through the same thing.

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