Okay, so I have a problem. I think my cousin is a sociopath, and it worries me cause she says that she wouldn't care if anyone died, and I understand that because it's not her fault she cant care. But shes admitted to manipulating people to get what she wants-- like using their emotion, usually pity. And she told me to remember shes not a good person, and that's for my own safety. So now I'm worried. I asked if I should set boundaries for myself, and she said if i want, but i dont know what those boundaries should be? She usually just vents to me about her problems and i don't want her to stop doing that but i also dont want to get manipulated. My paranoia is just going nuts, especially since she'll sometimes talk about death and murder so nonchalantly-- but I dont think that's something she'd do. But what do I do? I cant tell anyone else about it because I told her I'd keep it a secret. At least shes trying to fund a therapist, but in the meantime, I dont want to be a replacement for one.

She's trans, and suicidal and depressed so I care about her and I'm the only person she can really talk to about all that. I dont want her to feel alone. She definitely has trauma, because her family life is tough. I want to tell her that stuff, and I mentioned if she manipulates me I'm calling her out on it but she said the point of the manipulation is that I don't know I'm being manipulated, and that's what she likes about it. She even admitted to manipulating me to tell her sister to stop harassing her, which I'm not sure was manipulation or not. It's confusing. I'm afraid that if I tell her to stop full force though that she'll harm me, but that's probably just my paranoia. Shes looking for a therapist right now but has said she doesnt wanna talk about those problems, which I pointed out is because she gains from the manipulation, and she agreed. But I'm hoping she will talk about it, because I'm tired of acting as a therapist.

@worryqueen If she wants people to be able to rely on in life then she needs to treat them decently. In any case, sounds like she talks about being a manipulative person a lot, and considering that something she describes as manipulative isn't something that you think is particularly manipulative, suggests that that's just the way she sees herself, more than an accurate reflection of what she's actually like. Everybody can be "manipulative" at times, I would agree that complaining about being harassed, with the hope that the person you're complaining to will tell the person to stop it, doesn't sound toxic at all, it sounds really normal. Even if she exaggerated a bit how bad the sister was behaving to try to increase the chances of you telling her to stop, that's also understandable. Sounds like she is going off a pretty harsh judgment of herself. Your original post says she manipulates people to get pity, but again that's something we all have done at times when we need support and nobody is offering it. Just because she isn't straight up asking people to care about her, doesn't mean that finding ways to encourage them to care about her is necessarily more manipulative than the rest of us. It's more of an indicator that she's having a bad time. She complains to you about her problems, you have bad boundaries, and clearly the combination of those things encourages her to see herself as taking advantage of you. Complaining in order to recieve comfort and feel cared about is not manipulative. She clearly does need therapy for her self image. Also her being reluctant to talk about these problems is likely not just because she gets something out of being manipulative you said. It's because she's scared that a therapist will confirm that she's manipulative and evil and that's too much vulnerability for her to be able to cope with. Have you ever tried challenging her self-image when she talks about what an awful person she is, and pointing out nice things she has done or saying that everybody deserves to feel cared about?

@Scoggy **as you said

@Scoggy This all coming from a really poor self-image would also, believe it or not, explain why she says things like she wouldn't care if people died, or talks about killing people. I've said similar (well, not THAT, but insisting that I don't care about things) at times when I felt really vulnerable, because I was unable to go against the negative way I saw myself, but I also couldn't stand feeling so vulnerable. Basically, it helps you to feel a little more in control and a little less vulnerable if you project yourself to others as being powerful and uncaring (uncaring = invulnerable, nothing can hurt you if you don't care). It both encourages you to see her as a bad person, which means that she can at least feel "seen", as she clearly feels like a fraud and manipulative whenever people see her as the vulnerable, hurt person she is, and allows her to feel less vulnerable for a moment because she's in a LOT of pain. I've only done this at my very worst moments, when I got sick of being so hurt that I wanted to just die, and needed some kind of way to be able to talk about the awful stuff I was going through, without feeling today vulnerable, so I tried, very consciously, to get a particular friend to see me as a "bad guy" who doesn't feel bad or vulnerable and is all like #righteous anger. I would actually guess that it's a pretty common thing. Men do it all the time, they feel vulnerable and they can't cope with it so they act like they don't give a crap.

@Scoggy Yes, I see where you're coming from. But I dont think it all ties into her having a bad self image. I think she genuinely cant feel these things for other people. She does want sympathy, I think, but she's admitted to telling people shes manipulative, them leaving, then her manipulating them back into her life. Shes a very hard person to read, even though I've known her my whole life. She's obviously in distress,and I feel bad, but how do I establish boundaries with her without sounding rude? I dont think she's a bad person, or that's she evil, I just think that's the way her mind works and that's not her fault-- but her actions are. She outright told me she might hurt me, and I guess that's why I freaked out. But she said to take it as a warning and not as a threat. How am I supposed to even respond to that?

@worryqueen You must just have to deal with sounding rude, it's a known side effect of setting effective boundaries. You just have to decide which is more important, your right to have boundaries or her right to do whatever she likes. People who tend to step on your boundaries are necessarily going to be annoyed and think that you're rude for asserting them, it's an occupational hazard. Part of good boundaries is requiring accountability, you're totally right that her actions are her responsibility, no matter what her brain does or doesn't do. If you stopped being around her because you set boundaries and she kept breaking them, she might try to get you to come back with the pity stuff, but so long as you say "I won't allow you to overstep boundaries" and require experiencing her good behaviour for yourself as a prerequisite for being around her, that's all you need to do. Instead of getting sucked back in as a shoulder to cry on when she says she needs you, after she has crossed your boundaries and you have put distance between herself and you, your job is to just continue to expect the standards of respect for boundaries that you needed in the first place. Self aware people can't be manipulated via guilt or dependency- they just wait for the guilt to go away again instead of giving in to it. And possibly set further boundaries about "you contacting me to say that you need me is inappropriate, and makes me less likely to trust you and therefore want to be around you." Sure, it's good to give people a chance, potentially even several, but it should be done in a limited way- you let them prove their basic trustworthiness (that they're not going to be hurtful), so then you trust them a bit more in return. It's gradual, not total. Deciding to give someone a chance doesn't mean you hand over rights to all of your time and energy to the person. They have to deal with the amount that you feel comfortable giving them, and if it's not enough for them then tough luck them. You could maybe decide on a 3 strike rule regarding it, if you're worried about being constantly sucked back in.

@worryqueen https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/romantically-attached/201608/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries